April 6, 2014

I believe I began writing this blog and chronicles of a male who endured sexual trauma during military service-I began writing in 2006-and became a result of military sexual trauma in the eve of 1969-70 until I was released two months into 1970…..I know I began writing one day after my niece and I deposited a manuscript that I had written shortly after my military discharge to a VSO officer at our local veterans affairs office.
This manuscript was supposed-and promised to be sealed until my return the following day to witness the copy being made-and to edit portions of written words-black them out-as, they were of no concern of what else was written.
The following morning-none of that happened; instead-I was handed my original, and soon noted each of the three persons in the office prior to my entry-also held copy; jokes began almost right away…definite jokes about homosexuals.

I am a MALE, and-I was repeatedly raped while locked in a military detention barracks.
Rape is not a sexual contact activity; I know-I know-I did not enjoy any moment of being beaten up, and subsequently hurt days and days on after.
Oh yes, it hurts today too! It hurt that morning in the VSO office-being in the presence of people I was instructed to see by my PTSD therapist at the Gainesville FL veterans hospital.
Being in that office that morning and hearing the sneering innuendo these three spilled I began to feel choked and sick and fled. I went to my local library-to use a computer-to locate a computer sales that would sell me a unit on credit.
Thank you DELL.

The words in the manuscript were to be given as evidence-my niece was present to be a lay-witness that she indeed read the words I had written, and had some knowledge of the rapes.

After that encounter (and after DELL issued the credit and sent the unit-and after many years of dial-up internet service later to be enriched by satellite dish and high-speed internet)….I began writing about military sexual trauma; only thing was that as I began writing I quickly learned-I was not the only one who had this happen; and-not the only male!
I was 50 something years old when that news came my way.

I enlisted in the US Navy at age 17 in April 1969; I was not permitted into active duty because of my age, but they accept me pending my reaching age 18 that coming July. In Silver Springs Maryland on Georgia Avenue I did three very important things-I bought a bible-which I still have-and was honorably discharged from the USNR and signed my enlistment papers into the United States Navy-active duty….I had previously tried to enlist in the USMC but was turned away; it was my intent to serve my country and defend our flag and freedom; I had enlisted to go to Viet Nam.

ALL of this is documented on official US Military documents; my attorney and I both have copy.

It is truth-my truth and the truth of it is in fact-in my border city of Washington DC in that era…up until 1967-LSD was legal. I can promise you-I did not go out to find it-but one day in the city, it found me. I ran away from home. One week after I was retrieved-my 5-year-old brother was struck by a Chrysler New Yorker in front of our home-and witnessed by our other brother and myself.
So, things weren’t too good for me there at that time; I was not guilty of seeking drugs as forever accused.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_MKUltra

I was a kid! And, this was an era that bordered on a simple fantasy type life and entered a time of more than imagined. Kennedy being shot being played over and over and more than enough for any man to take-not to mention a boy barely twelve years old. And Oswald-his face when Jack Ruby shot him; or – the men and woman and children of Selma and Birmingham (Alabama)- and the scenes from Viet Nam.
Every day our television news showed the photographs of the young men murdered in combat in Viet Nam. Photos from these ‘daily dead’ exactly as they were in these poor lads high school year book. Except they were dead.
It was something about it all that made one want to go fight the enemy and save the flag.
Despite the confusion of seeing the poor people of Selma being beaten by American policeman-and seeing the black and white faces of the same Americans who that day were killed in action in Viet Nam, the urge to serve my country was bigger than life.

I did not do anything wrong.

Every person involved in my legal life as connected to the occurrence in detention barracks D agree that there is absolutely no evidence in proof that I did anything wrong-the Veterans Administration judge signed his written report with the statement “exonerated of any wrongdoing”!!!
I enlisted in a time where others my age ran to Canada to avoid fighting a war.
I did not do anything wrong.

There is nothing more I can say than has already been said in several hundred pages of the things I have written for everyone to see, it is all here. I’ve never lied.

It angered me to learn there are 1000’s of silent wounded veterans who may find the path towards a ‘veterans service officer’ or VSO in the attempt to pursue disability (in a system where there seems no justice) and may encounter the same as I had when the snickers and jokes of sexual nature seemed more important than trying to learn the truth, and felt through internet I could reach someone who could help others avoid this abuse.
Instead of meeting someone who could help…I met another victim, and then more.

It came to a place it was harder to hear the broken than I imagined, and I never imagined the whole of it.

I found help, an attorney from Jacksonville. She attended the VA hearing with the VA judge, and she successfully saw my case agreed on by the judge.
But then, the VA decided that because the attorney of my choice was not approved by the VA it made my case null and void.
We enlist to defend other people’s rights and freedoms…and-I cannot select my own defense?

It was my second attorney….one who had all the correct credentials-and one who carry’s the staff for fighting the system for the rights and support of MST veterans, this man, Matt Hill , believed.
I can’t say the word “won”, but the fact that I’ve been exonerated and-believed is reward where none other was ever offered.

So, I’ve said thank you and good bye before. I have to say that many times I have wept over the course of this blog; the responses.
I confess that time it is for sure.
I think my need for the internet is over as well, as-it was for writing this blog that I first got such….and-having the ‘eye in the sky’ removed from my yard will allow me to really say for sure “this is my story, and thank you for allowing me to share…and thank God my words helped, I am very thankful
Peace
Micah 6:8 (a verse out of that bible I bought)

and please:
seek help!
and…
TRUST ME….there is help!!!

a outside view

April 6, 2014

a outside view

I am always uncertain of the computer and its ability to understand me!
I have something to say; it really is-goodbye.

In four days the ‘eye in the sky’ which beams my on-line signal from somewhere up yonder in the distance of outer space will be turned off!

I am relieved-in many ways-but above them all is to open up time.

Time, I think….has come!
So, I earlier-just moments ago-posted a few pictures of recent paintings from my head….recent?? well- as they do not just arise in one night, these posted paintings have been a work of over a long period.

So-enjoy those….or, perhaps….and I will write text to explain – and be gone!
Peace

another attempt to be rid of the nightmares

April 6, 2014

IMG_3292

a painting of the city

April 6, 2014

a painting of the city

….by jay herron; the things that are still stuck in my head.

March 21, 2014

I wish that I could post a copy of the photograph, and – I am glad that I can not; it is that offensive!

General Jeffry Sinclair shown with his attorney leaving the courthouse having a huge laugh as if it was just another day on the job….”let’s go get a beer, Jeff “!!

” nah….I’d rather go home and hug my wife and kids ” !!

It is almost comical from how sick it is! Everyone should be ashamed as I am sure that across the world many are disgusted!

Word is….the General was in tears during his sentencing.

Too much to try to believe, too much to know that it is true!
He is a rapist!

peace

March 7, 2014

Today-actually-at this very moment while I am writing these words-a veteran aged old enough to be a Viet Nam era veteran…is also a MST veteran, and is being interogated at a Compensation and Pension hearing to defend…again…his truth and matter of fact that he experienced sexual trauma-and suffers post traumatic stress disorder- while on active duty in service to our country!

Today the newspapers reported that Senator Gilllabrand’s Bill did not pass Congress; still-the military is in charge of the injustice of protecting rapists, and shoveling off the victims.  Still a veteran this moment sitting in a chair in a small brightly lit room with a non-believer that the fact MILITARY SEXUAL TRAUMA even exsists.

I have never known any where else where a victim of a crime as violent as rape must prove every other year that indeed they were a victim – and still suffer from the memory with the nightmares and social fears; I have never known any where else where the criminal is protected for the sake of a uniform, and the victim must endure a lifetime of shame and loss, and-if able to claim a disability from the VA must continue to endure more abuse by having to repeatedly defend that claim!

Very-WRONG!

Pray for our brother; pray for all of the Silent Wounded!

Peace

44 years ago-and today too

December 31, 2013

http://www.military.com/daily-news/2013/12/20/men-sexually-assaulted-in-the-military-speak-out.html?ESRC=dod.nl

I am under clouds of depression awake this morning at 0230 as if some horrid ghost returned to wake me at this hour….close to the very precise time that I found my way into the ‘head’ in detention barracks D and attacked-beaten-and raped; it seems as if it was only a few hours ago.

I am sorry. This is still happening to others-every day.

I know that I keep trying to close the blog; problem is-the problem is. More and more the news is beginning to speak more of MST. To insult it all….still there are so many who make less of the crime “after all-it is just sex” I have heard “so what?” has been said as well.

Jeez….it is a sad state of things when people have become so insensitive about this crime.

PEACE

PEACE

2013 in review

December 31, 2013

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 34,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 13 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

today…

December 25, 2013

December 25, 2013

I have come this day to say that many strides have come the way of Military Sexual Trauma awareness, more than we’ve seen-ever!

The news-President Obama-Senator Gillibrand-all have spoken the words out loud. This is more than ever.

 

We still have-countless many who over the years have suffered in silence not believing anyone would ever understand, or care. One week ago a 70 year old veteran telephoned me and told me he too was assaulted during active duty.

Often-still-despite that I stopped writing many moons ago….still a veteran contacts me-wanting to know how to find sincere help, away from the VA….you see-when one is attacked in the disgusting manner that MST victims are, in our ranks-among our peers, and no justice is offered. Trust of everything-goes away.

So often I hear the distrust of the VA clinics – it does not matter what part of the USA they respond from, the fact that many of us are afraid of the VA!

 

1969.

That is when I became a victim.

I have kept away from this blog for a long time now-since last April; my words were met with attack from a person related to this history of mine. A person who discredits me-yet knows what I am saying is truth.

I still cannot read those words-spew of some kind of hate.

 

Every veteran of MST that contacts me-those seeking advice as how to achieve some sort of justice from all of this MST mess….the very first piece of advice I give is “never embellish the truth” and that “nothing but the truth is solid”. I know no one would lie about the circumstances of being raped, but was advised one time by a veterans advocate from an on-line ‘group’ called VETWOW to attend my case hearing with the VA judge as disheveled and unkempt as I could appear; to sleep in my clothes to seem disoriented.

I was so offended by the very idea that I would lie….about this?

THIS….has been ALL of my life since. I am not a ‘survivor’ but a result!

My story has never changed, it has been as accurate as it is in fact-true.

I was an innocent kid of 18 who volunteered during the Viet Nam War to serve my country and defend our Constitution….most do not know-I enlisted at age 17 into the USNR program, and received an ‘honorable discharge’ from that period from April 1969 until I took an oath enlisting in active duty in Baltimore in August 1969, days after my 18th birthday.

I went through boot camp happier than my life had been the past months at home; the death of my baby brother being part-my own teenage inability to manage control-another part.

I had gladly signed up to be with my older brother-who I thought I looked up to, and discovered my mistake a few months later.

 

Christmas….to me-now….crixmix, was a special fairy tale time in our home. My mother made crafts on every season, crixmix was no exception. There was no doubt as little boy-I was thrilled each time this day rolled around.

In my youth we would travel to Washington DC to visit my grandparents; we’d tour the city to see the lights; we’d go to Woodward and Lothrop to see the fantastic windows….and if it snowed-we made angels in the drifts.

On ship was my first time being an adult and away from home.

 

I do not desire to tell it – this anymore. Then I attempted to do something a little risky, which turned out to be riskier than imagined.

I did not-as accused-go AWOL. Technically yes-legally no. I had a liberty pass in my wallet for the weekend-new years weekend-and yet was accused of AWOL.

The VA Judge exonerated me-because-in fact-I was able to prove that.

I was accused of drugs….which after duress from the actions of my own brother upon return to ship-I admitted.

The paperwork from that date written by the USN Master at Arms on ship clearly shows a coffesion from someone who had no idea of what he was talking about…me-and the drugs I admitted to were sniffing glue or drinking nutmeg; it is on my paperwork-the silliest wording written. But true-I did tell them that I used drugs to escape the present situation I was in.

I never expected in a million years I would end up in the brig.

I was just a kid.

 

I entered the brig at somewhere around 8 p/m December 30 1969.

I’ve never been the same since.

 

I have been told I have no relationship with God.

I am glad I never utter those words to a person….the one who uttered those words to me apparently believes they have some private ‘in’ with the Lord to be my judge…enough to say I have no relationship with God. I would never presume to think I am able to make that statement without guilt, as-for ALL have sinned and come short of the Glory of God.

 

I am never returning to this blog after today. I have meant to stay away months ago; now I need to say this to every man and woman out there who willingly served their country only to become a victim of this violent crime-rape.

Today is the time to report it! Today is the time to release yourself of the secret and from the damage that MST has done to you over time.

Your voice is being heard-louder now. There is more attention to the facts….MST is real.

I am still active in keeping the awareness going in my home area, still speaking out against the VA and teaching others about MST. I sit on a board of several others appointed by our County Commission – the Alachua County (FLORIDA) Rape and Sexual Assault Advisory Board.

It has been tough to talk out loud about the plight of MST veterans, until recently-now the news is focused and our President has spoken-now there are those who hear me. I AM still active. I am just-done here-in this blog.

I had written before-I have said everything about me-here…and welcome written items from other MST vets, to be published here. Your words have meaning!

Your voice is needed to build the facts!

Please-seek help and advice how to speak out-determine your needs-and be free from the silence!

Peace

football, freedoms, felony,falicy

September 7, 2013

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-military-must-better-serve-victims-of-sexual-assault/2013/09/06/9f5d1bfa-16b5-11e3-a2ec-b47e45e6f8ef_story.html?hpid=z3


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