It is a place like this-the one in the scene photographed a few years back from the deck of a hut boat (a backseat version of houseboat) where I can feel peace.
I know the solitude of this spot! There is only one way there-by boat. The nearest store is miles away through Puzzle Lake, so named because it is a puzzle to find the channel to escape. Such does say to me…”perfect”!
My need for this place is because of Puzzle Lake…the solitude…the privacy…and the damned difficult challenges it would mean to untie the ropes and float out into public!
I’ve been ‘lost’ on this lake before!
I fight the battles of everyday things that I reckon is easy for a bunch of others…entering walmarts type stores, which I had to do recently, is not anything to take for granted. I have discovered buying things on-line…PayPal makes that the easiest solution, but even so-the need for the store is still there. I still loathe the moment the doors of a huge building close behind me, the giant box stores are no different.
I avoid them, but know-it is impossable.
I do not see shopping as a social thing. To me it is pressure-and stress to enter and select and split! It never misses-I miss an item-everytime! I go with out it to the next chore time.
Socially I am ‘closed’! It is beginning to trouble me.
Somehow-seeing and being in a place like this I am able to escape the reasons and troubles I have. I transform myself back in time where one could be in this type wilderness and never see another human being! Like a bird where at the first movement I could just fly away.
The past year-2012-passed swiftly to me; it most certainly witnessed me being largely lazy! I went away and returned after three months in some sort of trance…my travels were on the ocean and this was a hypnotic state of mind, the peace and solitude and majesty of the sea spoke volumes to me inside my heart, and by home return the result had pushed me into a chair with my head being in a daze!
A peaceful daze!
It is like being a child squinting at the christmas tree with all of the glitter and lights and gee gaw stuff-as you squint the lights all blur into this newer realm of beauty,and to me this is the same with places like the one in the photo…I can squint my eyes and see heaven, and hope for one day being there-in the peace forever.
But, until then-I have got to this,just like every one else…make it from one end to the other.
I am trying new things! I began a drawing class…very small class in the city, a place where I’ve lived in its surroundings for 40 plus years-and am still lost! And-being in this small group, still I am nervous and not because of them, but because I don’t know how to be.
It is so new to me!
It also reminds me how socially introverted I am.
It also is directly a symptom of my past and post trauma. I cannot relax.
But I want to, I just can’t figure out how- much to do with ‘how do you be…around people’?
The pressure got to me the other night!
Finding myself with my face in the dirt. Cold. Around 2 a/m in the morning.
Thank God the dirt was on my property, and I did not drive.
Pray God I could be on this river, off of Puzzle Lake, in the center of the middle of no where!
Free of the stress!
Truly, there is a Puzzle Lake-in Florida!