A male rape survivors story

My name is Jay Herron. I am a fifty- five year old male who is a rape survivor. Now how can that be? only woman get raped !! That is a wrong assumption.

My story is unique,but not unusual-only society may make it seem unusual. Rape among males is a fact. Rape is a sexless and ageless crime.

What happened to me occurred in the new few days of 1970 ,to be more precise-new years eve. After the rape I was repeatedly sexually assaulted for a period nearly two months long.

My story is quite complex,my life has been as if I was a boxer that was’nt a fighter and yet he was proud enough every time he got knocked down that he’d get right back up. My life has been sort of like that- as I have seen tragedy as early as the age of eight,and things in between then and now have always been more unlike other peoples lives , sometimes I have difficulty believing it myself. But,what I will be writing about is true. It happened and there is no reason to season the details at all,because there is no reason to.

In April 1969 I enlisted in the United States Navy,I was 17 years old-and had to wait for my 18th birthday before I could enter active duty. That came in August and I was sent to Great Lakes ,Illinois for my basic training,boot camp.

I loved it. You would have to understand the whole story of my life to understand why I’d loved boots-most people hated it,but I loved every minute of it. I loved the Navy. My Dad had been in during WW II and my oldest brother was serving at the same time I had enlisted. My grandfather on my dads side was a river boat pilot-back in the days when river boats was the transportation of the time. M great grandfather was a sea captain-in charge of those great tall sailing ships. So the navy had fit a family background-but unfortunantly,I was’nt just joining the navy because of our heritage…it was because the US Marine recruiter had jammed his finger in my chest and knocked the wind out of me. And While I stood there trying to get my breathing back-gasping like crazy…the marine recruiter had started a list as to why I did’nt want to be a marine.

I weighed all of about 110 then,skinney-could’nt lift a feather…just about. But somehow his lecture sunk in and by the time my breathing returned tonormal I was pleased he suggested the Navy.

Viet Nam was going as strong as it could get at that time in 1969. We kids in those days had a lot of mixed direction to look at back then. Every week on TV was the Vic Morrow television show…’Combat’,and all of us kids wanted to go off and fight the Nazi’s. But V-Nam was different , and unlike the WW II era-we had the hippie movement,teens and young adults and priests and violence in our home land…all about the Viet Nam war…not the pulling together we saw during the world wars.

So-because I am just learning about this blog idea and that I am not too experienced at the computer…I am going to leave my story at this point and see how it goes into outer space and ends up on this blog site.

I will tell my story in its entire length-in details…as we go along. But this is my first try on this site so I do not want to say alot-and loose it.

Stay tuned,you’ll see an amazing life come together in front of your eyes. Thanks.

73 Responses to “A male rape survivors story”

  1. foxymommylady Says:

    It is very brave of you to make public an experience that is rarely ever talked about…and on the occasion that it is, it is with cruel humor, not sincerity.

  2. shellia Says:

    Your bravery will serve you well Jay…..brave to share something so devastating, brave to live, brave to make changes…..keep up the good writing. Shellia

  3. mary Says:

    Just happened upon this blog from “Homeless Man Speaks”. My father was raped as a child but we never learned about it until he was dying from cancer. Since that time I have spoken to many men about being sexually molested as children. It is great that you are willing to share your experience on a subject not commonly known about except through prison movies.

  4. KellyMac Says:

    Hi Jay. I just stumbled across your blog from a google saved search I have on rape. I am a men’s rights activist, so I’m always looking for stories to write about. Thus the search.

    I have finally remembered, through therapy, that I was repeatedly raped as a very small child. I don’t know who did it – I have figured out it wasn’t my dad, thank God. Doesn’t really matter, anyway. I’m finally starting to heal from this irrational fear of men and disgust at sex I’ve had all my life – I’m 41 years old, so it’s been a long time.

    Anyway, I’m going to read your whole blog. Thank you for sharing your story. People don’t realize men can get raped, too.

  5. jayherron Says:

    …thank you,KellyMac….you just shared your story too-and that is very important…the more voices-the more we are heard!

  6. mountcope Says:

    Thank you Jay for your comment and support @Mount Cope. We all need to heal and draw strength from others.I have just started to read your story and I have linked your blog in Mount Cope’s Abuse Resources so it may help others also. Take care… the survivor of Mount Cope

  7. BrittnyK Says:

    Hey Jay,

    My name is Brittny I am a student at the University of Florida…I am working on a school project for my radio class..and it is about how society and the media does not pay much attention to male victims of rape and sexual assualt. There are a lot of classes out there for women to take, such as self defense classes, but not much offered for men. I would really like to talk with you, as a male victim of rape, and about your opinion on the matter..its simply a school project…and I would just need to do a phone interview with you asking you questions like “how do u feel that the media doesnt give a lot of attention to male victims of rape?” and things like that. Anything you don’t feel comfortable asking is ok…and you can keep your name annoynmous if you would like..if you are willing to talk with me, you can email me at britt711@ufl.edu and we can set up a time to do the interview. thanks again jay.

  8. Keith Smith Says:

    Jay, thank you for joining the rising chorus of men speaking up to address sexual violence and to offer hope and inspiration to others who suffer in silence.

    In 1974, at the age of 14, I was abducted, beaten and sexually assaulted by a 29 year old serial pedophile. He was identified, arrested and indicted but never convicted. He wasn’t convicted because someone brutally beat him to death in the streets of Providence, Rhode Island before his court date. 34 years later, no one has ever been charged with the crime.

    In just a few weeks my novel, Men in My Town, based on actual events, will be available on Amazon.com telling the story that’s been a secret for over three decades. Please take a moment to read ” A conversation with Keith Smith, Author of Men in My Town,” to learn more about the book and male sexual assault. The “Conversation” is on the Men in My Town Blog at http://meninmytown.wordpress.com.

  9. Nate Says:

    I am a 53 year old male victim of rape in 1974. The memory has just surfaced and I am in the beginning stages of recovery. I am realizing the effects it had on my entire adult life. It is difficult finding support groups. Particularly faith based support groups or other information.

  10. jay Says:

    I am sorry to have to agree with you Nate-there is not enough support and even belief that males are victims too.
    Faith based? You ARE the base of faith-and use your faith to assure you that God is above it all and above any of us-and is your best friend!
    You keep that in mind-you will find inner healing.
    Society needs to understand-to learn how much damage happens during a sexual attack,and-how long it may have been the damage never heals.
    I support you-write through this venue any time you want,and even this:begin your own! The more you speak about it-the more you gain control.

  11. jacques Says:

    i have never told anyone this. i am a 35 year old ex international athlete and rugby player. i read your blog and as i am despeately searching for something but i am not yet sure what.
    i was sexually abused by my grandfather from an age that i cant remember until i was 8. i then went to boarding school at the age of 12( in south africa that is still primary school age but i had skipped a year so i was in high school already) there i became the target of the senior boys and for 3 years i was the forced to have sex with either one or a whole group of them, it all just happened randomly so i would often sleep in my closet or under the bed…..which is where i sometimes still wake up. it was also there that my sports teacher either drugged or made me drunk, and proceeded to tie me to his bed and raped me repeatedly….i cant remember much….just his breath and the feeling that i just want to die…i woke up in the hospital where they had to sew me up again.
    i still dont feel anything…..and i dont know what to feel about what has happened to me either.

    • jayherron Says:

      Our lives are all fucked up-Jacques,and then we catch a glimpse of someone elses. I can not imagine what it would be like to be sexually attacked by a grandparent-or a parent. And yet-I was attacked by strangers and those who should have held me simply turned me away,my parents.
      I want for a way to help you.
      I only know that by writing about my life in this journal has helped and given me a power over this-being a survivor.
      Why not try yourself? Because you found me and my story-and it inspired you to write and say something. You would inspire others who might read your words and hear about the pain you suffered-but yet you became someone,and a star at that.
      I know what waking up in that closet is like-my closet is my past.

  12. LittleDolphinLover Says:

    You are a true soldier. I’m not quite sure how I stumbled upon your blog, but I’m glad I did. You’re an inspiration if I ever did see one. Things like this are very common and it’s a sad, sad thing. But having the courage to speak up and tell people your story…? You sir, have just earned my utmost respect.

    I can’t say that I’ve ever had the chance to speak from my heart and tell someone about my past. It’s a hard thing to do. Just thinking about it makes me quake in fear- have nightmares for days on end. You’re a fine, courageous man. I keep saying it, I know, but something like that really does bare repetition.

    Thank you for having the courage to say something. Thank you for showing me what a true soldier is made of.

    Good day sir, and Godspeed. 🙂

  13. Mike Says:

    Hi…OMG, i cant tell you how relieved i am to find people with the same problems as me. as much as i wish it hadnt happend to any of us, i am still comforted by knowing im not the only one. im 2o years old now…but when i was 6 years old, my 9 year old cousin sexually molested me…a couple years later, he met some more deviant friends and the abuse grew more violent…i was severely beaten, raped, and tortured every day for 8 years. there were days i was kept inside a big filing cabinet, and prostituted by my cousin to strange men who wanted to fuck little boys. my cousin wuld get paid by these men, and i would pay for it. I’ve been through so much and i’ve developed PTSD (post-traumatic-stress-disorder). I’ve been to the hospital more times than i can count. And still have to go regularly for a checkup on my rear ( because they destroyed my body). Despite everything though, i’m trying to be successful in the world. Currently in my second year of college but it still hurts EVERYDAY!!!!I need someone to talk to… ttul

    • jayherron Says:

      I understand. I lived with the idea I was the only person this had ever happened to. Sometimes it makes me sick for people to call me a survivor-sometimes I realize that I am! That side of it helps.
      Sometimes it seems people forget how much of our life we remember as children. But,we remember.
      Writing about my life and telling others about it in this forum has helped me very much. It has given me some kind of power over what has happened.
      I hope you find some Peace-as hard as it is,I hope for you in that way.

  14. Abdullah Aziz Says:

    That’s fucked up.

  15. Vanya Says:

    My best friend was raped two years ago by one of his college roommates. His roommate started spreading rumors of him being queer even though he had had multiple girlfriends and I can tell you he was( and still is) anything but gay. It’s been a little over two years since the rape and he can’t even date girls now. Talk of sex upsets him and he has tried to commit suicide once. He was going to join the Navy after school, but now is terrified of just about everything. Whoever said rape was tragic for only women and children is wrong. All I know is I’ll never have my old friend back because some idiot who couldn’t control issues with his own sexuality or his “primal urges”. All I know is that my friend is only 24 and may never have his life like it should have been.

    • jayherron Says:

      Interesting-as if you had the ability to read minds! I just got off the telephone from speaking to a victims advocate connected with the Gainesville (FL) police department. I was explaining to her that although my rapes were 40 years ago-the events have never left me-my life has been askew and awkward,yes-including the part about dates or sex…all distorted. I don’t know how to offer advice-other than offer friendship and support (love too-but with me I desire the comment of love be silent) I have no idea what to say to help you help him. God Bless YOU for how you care enough to be responding on his behalf in this forum. Your words mirrored what I was saying to the mentioned victims advocate-so I immediately forwarded a copy of your text-your words were that important. Thank you for being interested enough in your friend that it appears you seeking ways to be supportive.

  16. dave Says:

    I understand all your feelings.
    I was raped while showering in the military in 1970. After the rape by the self defense instructor of the base, I got drunk. I was hospitalized the next day as I could not get out of bed eventhough I could hear them telling me to get up.
    I was discharged-given a medical discharge (I applied for disability more than 6 times over 40 years and have been turned down)-I did not report it. I was 17 in the marine corps, the times and the military-no man reports being raped.

    I drank a lot after that, I began using drugs. My life was all about fear. I went to an outside doc. to get help as I couldn’t let it go. He gained my trust and molested me.
    I feared getting help at the local VA, so, I went to a Wi. State mental hospital-they drugged me so much I couldn’t walk.
    I finally went to the VA for help. Instead of getting help, I was locked in a VA hospital because the VA doctor called the secret service and labeled me a threat to the president.
    For years I kept it to myself. One day, I filled out a questionaire given me at the VA. It asked if I had ever been assaulted in the military. I said yes and gave it to the doc. 6 months later I asked him about the rape questionnaire. What should I do, I asked?
    He told me I had to learn and live with it.
    I thought it went from my mind.
    My wife started a CNA program at my insistance. She told me she had to escort a 80 year old in the shower. I started ranting, “You can’t its not safe!!!! You can’t!!!! I freaked-I didn’t know why.

    I finally remembered-it was because I was raped in the shower. I got counseling. And, I filed a new disability application.
    After years of staying in the house and only going to and from work or school with no socializing, I can finally go out.

    After 40 years, I had a disability hearing at the VA. I was turned down, I was told my condition existed before the military-it happened on active duty and I could not tell them who it was-I told them the time, the day, his MOS-self defense instructor-there was only 6-they just didn’t try to investigate. Then I was told that it is not doubted, but, I didn’t report it at the time.

    What percentage of men in the marine corps reported being raped at 17 years old in 1970 at 17 years old?
    I was told to refile on mental instability. It would be easier to accept.
    It seems that the military doesn’t want to find rapists. It looks bad for their image.
    If it weren’t for an understanding wife helping me through this now that I can talk about it-I would have died years ago.
    Stay in counseling. I hope the public, government and military would get out of denialand do their jobs to protect all rape victims.

    • jayherron Says:

      Dave,your comment joins the list of many others that leave me speechless and sad! You (and I) have many brothers-and sisters-out here in civilian life that have been wronged by the very country we chose to serve,and by others who we chose to serve with. I fully understand the part in your comment mentioning how your CNA wife made your fears rise about her details of assisting patients in the shower! I fear restrooms…FEAR because my initial assault was in the ‘head’ (you know,toilet) and almost every large building I enter-FEAR! I also fear any-ANY risk to my personal freedom,meaning-I fear prison/jail and the possibilty that one can easily find themself in such. I have nightmares-my assaults took place in a detention barracks-BTW,I was an innocent kid,I had commited no crime! I hope your time frame for appaling the decision of the VA has not lapsed! You might contact: Matt@hillandponton.com the conversation is free…the military owes you,so call !! Please let me know how things are going! peace

  17. JayGrayce Says:

    Hello my name is JayGrayce and I co host a radio show called the Rape Declaration Forum it is a live call in show where Survivors can safely share their story. It is on Wbai 99.5 FM http://www.wbai.org it is located in Nyc.
    You can go to our site and check our acrhived shows so you gert a better understanding of what we do.
    As a Survivor myself I commend you for all that you do.
    It has been very challenging getting Male Survivors to share their story. We know how it is so difficult for Male Survivors to share their story this is why I am turning to you.
    We would like for you or someone that you think is willing to share their story with us.
    The identity of our guests is not revealed unless they wish to do so.
    We know that the statistics are not really reflecting the sad reality when it comes to Male Rape.
    We would like to help clear what ever mis-conceptions society has when it comes to this topic.
    We need your help.
    Our next show is Thursday June 17 at 10 PM EST .
    We can do it over the phone or if you are in NYc you can go to the studio.
    Please give me a call.
    Thanks Again With peace, love n positvity
    347 860 4617

  18. dave hunt Says:

    I will be glad to comment or tell my story On June 17-call me at 541-580-8919 If I don’t get back to you first.

    • jayherron Says:

      Dave-I am certain your involvement will be appreciated by the talk show host and the many who will be listening. I know that your willingness to share is very important-we need to educate our country about sexual trauma…and especially change the stigma of gender isolation,we need to teach that males are victims too!
      Please call the program host-and,of course-the program….10pm June 17 @ 99.5 WBAI in NYC (I understand you can listen on the internet)

  19. Margaret G Says:

    I just want to thank all of you for sharing your stories on here. My mother has been a victim of sexual assault/incest, and she suffers from PTSD because of all the trauma she has endured. As a child, it has robbed me of a mother. Reading all your posts has really helped me to understand the struggles and torments that rape victims suffer. Although, this is a forum for males, I understand that the psychological scars are the exact same for both females and males. I wish I could erase all of your pains. GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

    • jayherron Says:

      This forum is for everyone-mostly to teach that all who are traumatized in this way suffer!
      It is important for everyone to learn.
      My sons watched as I abused myself through my life-they stuck by me,I wonder at times how-but love is my only conclusion.
      I can tell you love your mother. I am glad for that!

  20. Daniel james Says:

    I feel like all the recounts are a mirror of my life, and i am startn to realise why my life has been so difficult and why ive made many wrong and bad choices. I am now 31 and was first abused by my brother when i was about 5, he was 10. It occured on a semi regular basis usually when my mum was at work or at bath time as we had to share the bath. I remember being locked in his bedroom closet naked 4 hrs one day until my mum got home. I didnt tell her why, she thought it was just some childish game at the time. As i got older i was abused by a neighbour 2 yeas older than me, he anally raped me frm the age of 6 to 13, at the time i thought it was normal, we moved away when i reached 14 so ive never seen or confronted him. When i was 15 a family friend who was stayn over masturbated me while i was sleeping he was in his 20s. Frm then on i became more aware that the things that had happened to me were not normal, but unfortunately it was engrained in my behaviour and since i hav made many mistakes and even sought out sexuali deviant behaviour. I was drug raped by 3 men when i was 19 after falling asleep at a bar. I woke up in an abandoned house with no idea where i was. I really understand your stories especially the sense of helplessness when being so young and not knwn right from wrong. It is a fact that child sexual abuse ruins a life. We can only support each other now and look out 4 our kids. Thanks 4 sharing it helps alot.

  21. 2010 in review « a males life after rape Says:

    […] The busiest day of the year was May 26th with 499 views. The most popular post that day was A male rape survivors story. […]

  22. Denver Says:

    You poor man. 😦 I’m a girl and i have also had a small experience with rape, although it was attempted rape…. it happend when i was about 9, im 13 now.
    it’s not that bad i don’t really wanna talk about it.
    But I understand the pain and humility that rape brings, and you will be in my prayers. I hope you get over it, or at least have the chance to live a life as good as you can.
    You are very brave coming out and publicy announcing rape like that its very hard, good one you ❤
    God bless xxoo

    • jayherron Says:

      �A very nice comment-thank you,and God bless you too! I do hope you can see how your own experience would be helpful for others! However,I am� thankful for your mature thoughts from a young lady as yourself! peace
      BTW…don’t you think you should be talking to someone about this?

    • jayherron Says:

      Denver,perhaps you might do yourself a good turn by finding some help for what happened:


      This would be a good place!

  23. dave hunt Says:

    Since my posting, I had life threatening surgery. I was in fear. I feared that I would be assaulted in the hospital like I was 30 earlier when a similar surgery was done.
    It started with a doctor that became to familiar after being distant for 5 years before the proposed surgery-Her fake concern really bothered me.
    I finally called a congressman and was allowed to have someone in my room 24-7. I would stay awake when they would rest or leave the room and she would stay awake while I was awake.. The congressman spoke with the nursing supervisor. specific protocol was put in place for my protection.
    Because of PTSD-male sexual truama in the military, assaulted sexually by a treating doctor afterward, assault in intensive care while a similar surgery was done-protocols were in place. I would not be touched until I was awakened. I would be awakened by my name being called at the doorway..
    I was a wreck by the time I left the hospital. One instance-a pin prick was to occur for diabetes. I was asleep. He proceeded any way. I wook in a fury. He just wanted to see what would happen. He said he has seen many vets react and wanted to see what mine would be.
    I cam to the NP for a check up. I was shocked when she grabbed my zipper and pulled it up. She knew my full history. I reported this to my treat psychologist. The first thing I was asked was if anyone else was present when this occurred. I told her my wife. I asked if my wife was not present would tha make my accusation any less valid-yes as the ptsd is on record and it affects me.
    I had to be put on tranquillizer. Intimacy was gone for 3 months.I finally called her and told her how i felt and what her actions affected me. She would not return my call. I feared an upcoming visit/ I went with my wife . She did no examination of the surgical site-she must have been spoke to.
    I spoke to congress man. I told him that I didn’t want anything said to my surgical team prior to my surgery as I feared retaliation or an excuse to cancellation of the surgery some other sort of retaliation with an angry surgeon holding a knife over your.

    • jayherron Says:

      My brother D,I hear you and relate your comment to a time sometime this past year (the length of a year) when I was at a routine check up at the VA! The nurse made a comment,it was meant to be a joke,where she said “life…you are dying from a sexually transmitted disease…life!” and when I heard it I went into a muddle,I could not adjust that info correctly. She repeated it several times,it still did not register as the intended joke but more as I am dying a a sexually transmitted disease,life! Life!! Ahhh,that was the joke…ho ho ho,how funny. No,it was not funny. The nurse shrugged off my non-laughter as being still asleep and with no sense of humor. No,it was more that I was alarmed. Your experience is no different. The medical community and law enforcement community should take long looks at learning about PTSD and understanding that we sufferers react in unusual ways to even the slightest of comments or actions. I am sorry for you to have this horrid experience. I am literally AFRAID of the VA hospital. My fear is they will do something to kill me! Yes,I sincerely believe that! peace

  24. raj Says:

    i am writing something that happened with me


    I must say this in the beginning itself that I am about 50 year old male and certainly people reading the title may think what does he know about rape, and yes I too may not know the exact refrence of the word rape as it is used. I will therefore not go into what is rape etc but try to narrate an incident through which I did pass many years ago.

    This is in the seventies when I was studying in an all male boarding school in India. I had spent about six years in the school when this incident happened, from the time I had joined the school as a nine tear old I had come to know a few things about homosexuality, or it would be better to say what ever a child can understand about sexuality but yes what I understood was that there is lot of anal sex taking place and some of it forced, also the boys who were better looking , one may call them beautiful or handsome were targeted the most . I realized that I was one in this category only after a few days of joing the school, for on one night a senior came to my bed and after opening my pyjamas pulled on my penis to see whether it was for real, what I came to know latter was that there was a bet between two seniors wherein one was insisting that I was a girl dressed as boy so to settle the bet this task was undertaken.In this atmosphere the school life had continued and as far as I was concerned I did try my best not to look beautiful and towards this I had even stopped combing my hair.

    So now one day when I was in class x that is just one year junior to the senior most class, after dinner I was in my dormitory when one of my class fellow from other house ( the school was divided into five houses and each house had its own dormitory) came to me and told me that Krishan Pal is calling you, I asked him what for ,he just replied I do not know , however from his eyes one could make out that he is saying as if you do not know why does kishan pal calls anyone , ofcourse to indulge in anal sex with you. now this was happening in front of all other students in the dormitory I say tell him I am not coming , well he is surprised he replies you do not know what will happen to you, I advise you come with me , I again say I will not come, so he leaves. Everyone just goes about doing there own work , I too am trying to sleep , I must tell here that this kishan pal is the schools dada ( the strongest student and a bully ).

    After about 30 minutes this kishan pal enters our dormitory and comes straight to me and says ” you have the guts to tell no when I am calling you” he then holds me from my coller and takes me to the box room (this is a room in the dormitory where all our lokers and boxes are kept and we change clothes in this room ) and there my beating starts he has a hockey stick in his hand and I am told to get on hands down position (in this position your palm and feet are touching the floor, and the hips are jutting out) and he is continuously bringing the hockey stick down on my hips and shouting how dare you say no to me , and I am just crying and he says again and again will you ever say no to me and I say no I will never say no. this thing goes on for almost an hour and no one comes to my rescue , yes they can all hear my screams but no one interferes , after that he just leaves with words next time when I call just come.

    After that I went to my bed and tried to sleep with so many things going through my mind I was scared very scared as I did not know what will happen to me. I was then only a child not even 15 I am thinking if he rapes me how much will I be physically damaged as he is six feet tall and build like a wrestler and I am just about five feet. also I know that though he is only one class senior to me but age wise he is about 20 as there are lots of boys in school whose age the parents have reduced and then enetered them into school four or five years reduction is normal, yes I am angry at my parents for not adjusting my age. so I am medically scared for I know that I will not be able to go to the doctor, I am also thinking of the humilation that I will have to go through for this is a place where the perpator of the rape is seen as some big hero and the victim is seen as the culprit.

    I now wonder when I was being beaten why did no one from my class or his class fellows of my house came to my rescue for there are and were this big words that are taught to us team spirit and together we shall do it etc, but no not even one came . my analysis after so many years is that most of them just did not want to get involved and on the sly were experiencing a sadistic pleasue for it was something sexual which was going to be done on someone else, a few would have wanted to save me, from not the rape but atleast the beating but then they must have thought why get involved with the schools bully.

    Why did I not report the matter to the school teachers or my parents? as student I always thought that the teachers do not know about these things and thus this cannot be reported to them now I think this was the most stupid thought for they were adults and should have been aware of these things, but now I am angry at the school teaching staff for if they did not know that all this was going on the school then too it is there fault and secondly they should have counseled all students that if any of this thing happens to anyone then the matter is to be reported to us. Also there should have been a procedure to report such matters, nothing was there in our school. as far as parents are concerned that was not this mobile phone time and we used to write lettrers once a week , then too I do not think I would have written or should I say actually I never told them anything till date, here too I will say parents should also tell their children about these things so that the child knows that my parents are aware of these things and if required I can tell them.

    I have also thought may be I was very small as compared to him but still I could have resisted his beating but yes I do not have any answers for howmuch weak one may be one can always bite or lash out , but this I can think as a grown up now then I was a child and the whole atmosphere was that the senior and stronger had the right as it is physical abuse was very common in school.

    My mind also goes to another thing though I was supposed to be beautiful and an attraction to the bullies otherwise there was nothing girlish about me I was a very good sportsman playing football, hockey , cricket for the school also I was a part of the athletics team. one more thing was that everyday I was practising football for the school team which also had this person as a member.

    Going back now he has beaten me black and blue and gone and also told me to be present when ever he calls me again I have to just be present. so next day I am attending all the routines of the school yes I am scared very scared I cannot go to anyone or I should say that I did not go to anyone, everyone in my class knows as that I was beaten up the previous day also everyone in his class also knows that I told him “no” and thus beaten up. I can also see the sly snigger in everyones eyes which say so you will be raped soon it is something which will give them pleasure I do not why but I know it shall. Yes I have understood the feeling that a girl goes through when she is raped and how the society looks down towards her. So here I am waiting to be raped, yes I knew I will not be able to say “no” when the next call comes and also thought then that there was no way out. After so many years I still cannot think of the worse situation when one is waiting to be raped and one cannot do anything about it.

    I waited for a few days and everyday was making me more and more scared and then one day one classmate came and told me be there at such and such time. yes I went.

    • medo Says:

      I wish you can read this now, but seriously i coudn’t complete reading it .I know how painful it is for you adn for the others.I haven’t beenraped but have been bullied on all my lifeI have no selfsteem and that make it worse. many people tell me that they love me but i don’t believe them.I wanted to take my life and still do soetimes. I want to be strong and be myself. But how/? I really don;t know.
      My heart is with you all and please conceder me as a friend if you want to talk farther. I am here for you. If you like just email me on
      Wish all the best

    • paddy Srinivas Says:

      I also hail from India, from Tamil Nadu to be more precise. I was raped in my mouth by my own uncle when I was 8 years old. This continued until I was 11 or so when I started resisting. I have strugged with this through out my adult life. Why could I not have had a normal childhood? I used to wonder. But, now I am about 49 years old. I do think more about how lucky I have been in life. My parents could afford to send me to college. I did not have to worry even for one day as to where my next meal was going to come from when I was going to college. About 800 million people in India can not say that they were able to go to college without any worries about money.
      I am still thinking that I should confront my uncle who is 10 years older than me. I will do so soon when I visit India next time. But, forcing myself to think about all the fortunate events in my life has made it easier for me to ignore the childhood sexual abuse in my life.
      I want to increase the awareness of childhood sexual abuse in India. Many of my cousins have young sons and I want to make sure that none of them is abused sexually. Should I openly discuss my abuse with my cousins?

      My abuser uncle and couple of his sisters (my aunts) might themselves have been abused when they were young. All books on child sexual abuse unanimously say that 75% of the abusers themselves have been abused.

      Luckily from age 13 onwards I grew up in a different house with my parents and I did not abuse any one. The abuse cycle stopped with my uncle.

      • jayherron Says:

        Paddy-l do not have any experience of childhood sexual abuse, however-it is not something that l overlook. It is a touchy subject when confrontation is the plan! I think if it were me I would speak in general terms at the beginning if I was going to speak to my cousins! In other words-speak in the sense of that sexual abuse happened to you as a child by someone close to you…allow your cousins to think this over and respond-do this before you say it was your uncle, in a sense…see if one or the other speaks up first!
        Indeed-a confrontation with your uncle will be difficult…but yet-it will put him on the line! It will notify him that you are aware-and he is guilty!
        God be with the children and answer me-if you love the children as your holy book says…then why? Why is this abuse going on?

  25. Alex Says:

    Hey guys, thanks a lot for writing here. You do not know how grateful I feel.
    I am not a military; English is not my language. I do not belong to your culture but I am 40. The thing is that the case of being raped joins my mind to you guys. I am from Central America, a very chauvinist culture. And my situation pushed me not to tell my experiences to anyone. I am using an impersonal e-mail and feel blue (deeply) writing about this. Things happened when I was 2 up to my adolescence. I got never an explanation of why. Nobody came to me and said “I understand you”. I used (and still do it) ask myself why this happened to me constantly. Time passed and I received my best gift: my wife and with her my little son. I suffer obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), I have nightmares every month, I do not permit anybody touches or to be with my wife or son alone, never ever. I sometimes fight with myself and cry out loud when being alone at home. This nightmare is with me anywhere. Nobody knows about this, only you guys… That is why, maybe, it is so difficult for me to handle it. If have any recommendation, I promise to follow it. Thanks. caniaskyouthis@gmail.com

    • jayherron Says:

      Your writing has made me sad,I am going away and unable to write much,and will be unable to write. I will say this,the blog has given me a voice by being able to write my life out as you have found it here. You can do this anominously…as long as you do not comment on other blogs,your email address comes to us. By writing yourself out to others helps make you feel a power unkown before because you can say what you want to whomever and be free of anyone physically being there. As you express…in any language…you become a teacher and a learner. You are fortunant,a wife and small son. You are a trauma survivor,that is it…may God bless you.

  26. Luis Mediana Says:

    Hi. I feel kind of relieve knowing that I am not the only man having been rape. I mean, I have always feel kind of different since that happen. It was 33 years ago. I was studying english in Florida, Iam from Venezuela. Eduardo was with me and we were only 14. we met two girls from Venezuela who were also studying english, and soon we became engaged. Zulay was mine and Dilia was Eduardos. We did not have sex, because we believe in virginity and we were too young,but we were curious and would touch our parts and even get naked to masturbate. But one day we went to a parking lot in the Tampa area, and since it was deserted we started to kiss each other. Suddenly we were assaulted by a bunch of guys. First they took our money,and then they made us get undressed, so that we could not follow them. But then they tied us, and one of them started kissing me while he took my underwear off and touching my back. Another guy was doing the same thing to Eduardo. and our girlfriends were watching this. They could do nothing. We begged them not to rape us, we cried and asked to let us go. We felt impotent. We were raped by alll of them,and then our girls were raped too.
    Everybody knew about it in the institute, we felt very embarrassed and we went under treatment with a psquiatrist. We still have nightmares about it, and I dont like to talk about it, but now I felt the need to tell my story. I would like to hear from other people who have gone through this experience. and share and help each other. Thank you.

  27. Shane Says:

    I came across your blog today, searching the net for male rape… Today is supposed to be somewhat happy as I got my final blood tests back, tested negative for HIV, needless to say I don’t feel like celebrating or for that matter telling anyone… I can’t, guess thats why I’m on the net searching as this thing has been eating at me for such a long time.

    My life fell apart last year November on a business trip to Cape Town. I’m a young 35 year old straight guy and I had everything going for me, a successful business, lots of friends, an active social life build around adventure sports etc. Rape is the last thing someone like me thinks about… yes it happens to women, and only really becomes a concern for men if you land up in jail for the night, in South Africa that is… but it never crossed my mind that it could actually happen to me.

    I went out for dinner with friends and clients, ending up at an upmarket club where all the who’s who’s in Cape Town hang out. Met more people in the advertising industry and the party moved on to a beachfront apartment somewhere in Clifton, an opulent suburb of Cape Town.

    At the party cocktails and drugs where flowing freely… because of my sport I don’t really drink alcohol except for the odd glass of red wine at a dinner party every now and then… as for drugs, I don’t do drugs.

    I was handed a cocktail by someone… and as I was partying with friends didn’t think much of it… that was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life.

    I got “drunk” from that one glass, it happened so quickly, I wasn’t feeling too well and was lead away by “someone”, but the rest of it is all very much a haze.

    I woke up sometime the next day in a bedroom without any clothes on… I was out of it, and I realized something was wrong, I was hurting and there was blood, I was bleeding and it felt like someone shoved hot coals up my backside… its the most horrid thing imaginable when the puzzle peaces start falling into place you realize whats happened even though your mind starts blocking it immediately, I just didn’t want to think. I found my clothes on the floor, went into the bathroom and tried to wash most of the blood off. The apartment was empty, it was one of those luxury rentals for tourists. I could hardly walk, got to my hotel, took a shower and tried to wash myself clean. Got into bed and slept, I guess I thought I could just sleep it all away.

    When I woke up the next morning I had bled again during the night… I was in just as much pain and then it all sank in, I just sat there and pretty much lost all control of my emotions, I started crying and it felt like I couldn’t stop. I also knew I had to get to a doctor and get medical help, this thing wasn’t going to go away.

    I drove to the emergency ward of a private hospital and probably sat in the car in the parking lot for half an hour before I got up enough courage to walk to the entrance. That opened up another terrible chapter for me… a nurse who took my vitals wanted to know what my emergency was, I told her I wanted to see a doctor and that it was private, she wouldn’t accept that and pushed me until I forced myself to say that I was Sexually assaulted… it was the hardest thing to say and just broke me there and then. It just felt like everyone that looked at me knew, and even though they where very sympathetic it was and is the most humiliating thing I ever had to face.

    The doctor that came to see me had to ask as part of his questionnaire whether I was gay, and that, at that very moment was like squeezing the last bit of dignity out of me… others questioning my sexuality at that very lowest moment of my life, it was just another blow, one of many to come.

    I had to tell him what happened of course, that wasn’t easy as up to that point I didn’t allow myself to think about it and then came the second reality hit, the tests that had to be done, the whole examination and counseling as to what I might have been exposed to, sexually transmitted diseases, HIV… and the guilt of having waited so log as you only have a 48 hour window to go on anti viral medication to try and prevent an HIV infection… that was probably my biggest mistake, not having gone straight to hospital right away, but it was still under 48 hours. It all hit home pretty hard… having to deal with the rape was one thing, facing a list of sexually transmitted deceases was another horror that I had to deal with.

    The doctor did his examination and confirmed what I already knew, I was raped, repeatedly, fortunately the physical damage that was done didn’t require surgery, but it would take time to heal.

    The drug tests etc. came back positive, my drink was spiked. I tested negative for all sexually transmitted deceases, which led to a barrage of injections and being placed on anti viral drugs for a month to help prevent an HIV infection… which I would only know for sure in 6 months… thats the test results I got back today… took me a long time to build up the courage to go for the test and I’m grateful now, more than a half year later to know for sure that I wasn’t infected.

    They had a councilor come see me before they allowed me to leave the emergency room that same day… and she basically sat me down and urged me to try and recall what happened… and that was bad… When I started thinking I could recall certain things, images which I think would have been better if I didn’t… there was more than one rapist, there where a few of them, I don’t know how many, but I remember distorted faces, I remember weight on top of me, laughter, things that are sheared into my mind. Its just tit bits here and there but they are enough. They made me promise that I would go see a councilor when I got home but of course I didn’t, I don’t want people to know about it and haven’t told anyone back home… They also tried to convince me to open a case of rape with the police… but I just couldn’t face more judgement… having it all out there in the open and having people question you about it is just something I cant deal with.

    I walked out of that emergency room that day and locked all of it inside of me.

    My World has changed so dramatically, I have changed, I know that, and I know I probably will have to go see someone, maybe now that I’ve closed a chapter on the possibility of having been infected with HIV… I’ve become a recluse, I’ve withdrawn myself from my friends, from my sports from public. I hate going into crowded places and I don’t allow anyone into my personal space… I don’t know if I ever will. All my ambitious plans for my future have just melted away… I have days where I get excited about something only to have the total opposite reaction to it the next day… the smallest challenge just seems like the biggest mountain to me now, and thats just so not me… I’ve become indecisive, I can’t commit or complete anything anymore… it’s all just so destructive.

    I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this, maybe I just had to voice it… I guess I need to sort my life out.

    • medo Says:

      My friend you are suffering of deppression and my advice to you to go and see a doctor a good one. What people thinks of you won’t safe your life but running for your life will. Please don’t close the doors and hide as i did for 41 years carrying all that pain alone. With all these mix feellings mostly nigitave ones. Please please please go see someone to help you. And people who will judge you let them go to hell.
      You still have whole your life infront of you. So live it. They did it once and as I see that you a very strong guy and will make it and will make sure it won’t happened again. Accept all my respect and if you like we can keep in touch

    • Matthew Says:



      Unfortunately, this happens. It happens a lot more than anyone can really be sure of, because so many of us keep quiet, or buckle down and just ‘man up’ because we think that’s what’s expected of us.

      You are NOT by any means, ALONE with this – and there are some really good resources online as well. If you can’t bring yourself to see a therapist, please, PLEASE take a look at some of the resources online.

      Both of the two weblinks I listed are excellent resources. The first one is more heavily concentrated on male child sexual abuse than it is on adult male rape… but there are men there that have experienced it. I’d like to note that the first link IS geared strictly towards men, NOT women. (This is NOTHING against you ladies, so please don’t take it that way.) There is a friends and family section on the forums of the first link where you may see wives, girlfriends, etc, of male victims posting, but they are not supposed to (and generally DON’T) post outside of that one section.

      I found the site due to my sis… I’ve been through hell and back again more times than I can count and the rollercoaster hasn’t stopped yet. My assault was about 2 years ago, my sister was involved (co-victim), and we had 8 against the 2 of us.

      I went through the questions, the tests, they had to actually knock me out in order to do the exam/kit, and in order to separate sis and myself. The EMS crew that brought us in couldn’t even put us on separate gurneys… I bit the first person to touch me following the assault. There was no drugs or such involved in our case, it was just violent. Sis and myself both contracted HSV as a direct result, we are thankfully free of HIV or the illnesses that this puts you to risk for.

      The point is, I get where you’re coming from, I totally understand it, and there are VERY few resources for adult male rape victims, and even less for those of us who experience this as adults and yet do NOT have a back-history of childhood abuse. It can be VERY frustrating.

      But bro, you sound like you’ve hit the depressed phase… you NEED to get SOME sort of help, or you are going to sink hard, heavy, and fast. This is NOT your fault, you are NOT the one at blame. It is a hell that a lot of people go through, and a lot of MEN do, too. Society doesn’t like to talk about it, we’re told to just man up and move on, move beyond it, but you know what? It doesn’t work that way, bro. We need to take care of us. Part of that means going to doctors immediately post-assault, part of that means seeking out resources and common voices in a safe venue, and part of that means seeking out therapy and serious proffessional help.

      A broken leg will heal with time, WITH medical intervention and things like pankillers and casts.

      This is a break, too, but this is broken on the inside, and there’s no cast they can just put on us to heal us, we need to make our own casts and that means we have to speak up somewhere, somehow, to someone.

      I can type about this now. Two years ago, I couldn’t even do this much. I couldn’t look my own baby sister in the eyes at first, either. But to this date, even though I can now type about it – I can’t SPEAK. Not verbally, not out loud, if I try to speak about it aloud, I find myself shutting down and zoning out. So even though I *AM* in therapy at this point… my particular therapist has to make do with asking me questions and waiting for me to write the answers out via pencil and paper…

      Take care of you, bro. Get some help, read through some of what’s on those two links… please.

      Sorry I wrote so much – but I can hear the isolation and pain even in your ‘written voice’ and I really wanted to, and NEEDED to reach out at least somewhat.



      Mr. Jay Herron,

      Thank you for speaking out, and speaking up… it means a lot, and I really hope it helps some people who have been through this experience. Obviously your post does some good, as there are guys coming out herre and speaking up with their own stories right here on the post.

      Regardless of how long you waited to come out about this, I want you to know, that in my opinion you should be proud of yourself for this. Your shared pain and shame will help many others – and has already begun to do so. I hope you are able to eventually recover, it’s a hellish and nightmarishly long road to travel, with no clear map or directions at hand to travel by.

      Thank you again for speaking up. I wish I was able to relay my own story as thoroughly and as clearly as some of the gentlemen have done on this page, but that is not something I can do yet.

      So thank you for speaking up, speaking out, and putting this out there and getting the discussion going. The biggest issue with male rape is that NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT in any way shape or form. They sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist when in fact it DOES exist, and affects a LOT of men every single day.

      Thank you.

    • shiv Says:

      Dear shane;
      I I am so sorry for what happened to u.n I mean what I say.
      I am not very expressive in english ; but I just need u to remember one thing; u r not alone with this.
      n I strongly feel that u need to vent ur self up. Go see some one.. may be a counsellor or a doctor. Dont keep feelings bottled up inside u.open up.
      No one can judge u bu this. If people do so; its their head ache. Don’t get depressed; dont give a fuck of what others think of u . Let them go to hell.
      you have got a whole life in front of u . And u ought to live it to it’s fullest. u ought to. If such a thing has happened ; try to forget it, by sharing ur emotions. Dont let it creat hurdles in ur life.
      Remember being happy is the most important thing in our life. Your courier is the second most important thing. . So dont drop it. Bcz our work makes us ferl happy.
      So just be happy . Try to find joy in small small things; n please please meet some one…

  28. jayherron Says:

    I hear and feel your pain and want to be able to assure you in some way, but as you say, this eats at you for a long time…which is forever!
    It helped me when I finally found someone that I could talk to, mainly in the blog / journal that you have found. Telling all of my life to the world with out knowing that the world would respond, like you have responded, has made a healing begin in a way that I never expected!
    We are not alone as male survivors of this crime! We are silenced because of the stigma…but it does something more to us because it is least focused on than attacks on females. Uh, not saying the harm is any different! We are all suffereing because of the attacks!
    To save you any embaressment…do not donate blood! The questions that require answers will sadly waken you up to the reality of how deep the harm really is!
    I am seeing a therapist for the first real time any therapy has been done since my rapes 4 plus years ago. My friend, this never goes away from us…but I found fighting back at it has given me some power over it, I can’t say I totally win.
    I am here as a friend who understands. You are welcome to write me anytime to vent…you need to vent!
    jayfherron@yahoo.com or call 843.933.1301

  29. Peaceful Warrior Says:

    I am a gay male that has been raped several times. It has traumatized me and I became so low and desperate for love and stuffing my feelings that drug addiction and continued rape has now become an unfortunate pattern that I find myself in. As I climb out of this and try and recover I see that it is happening to other young men and even encouraged in a dark underground world. I am sober now and I want to heal and help educate and help others. This note on your blog is where I begin. Thank you for posting this.

    • jayherron Says:

      You are a human being and no one has the right to do these crimes against anyone, no matter who you are, you are a human being. I know are are hurting, and I am glad for your strength to tell this part of your life, but always remember, peace, love and LIGHT!

  30. ramcis mark rago Says:

    i have just viewed this blog after searching for male rape victims and i am thankfull for what i have read, knowing that i am not the only male rape survivor here… it was very hard for me to show up. in our country there were very few male rape victims and majority of them were gays… i was afraid to be judged as gay..people here are very judgemental… so i hide my nightmares until now….. i was 4 then when i was raped by my cousin’s half-brother at the bathroom. i think he was a teenager then..he called me and offer me candy. as a child i love candies but accepting his offer is my mistake. it had happened several times, at different places. i don’t know what is happening then because it was my innocent days. when i grow older i understand what had happened… far more to that i was molested by my cousin who is about to get married when i was 6. when i was about to sleep he grab my hand and put it into his dick. i was shock then and don’t know what to do so i never reacted because i was scared. luckily someone comes so he stops….. but the trauma that these bad experience that had happed to me lives within me… there were times that i commit the same assault to younger boy, to make me feel that i am not alone with this tragic horrifiying nightmare….. that experience make me a bad boy, an abuser and become one of them which i really regretful of…. but i was young then i don’t have the knowledge about male rape and i was traumatized….. i did’t tell it to anybody…. but when i reach 14 i stop this abusive act…. i also have confusion then about my gender preference because of this…… look what had this done to my life. it riuned my childhood and they make me one of them and i feel sorry about that…. i can’t get support to anybody else but to those who have the same experiences like mine…. i share my experience to let them know that abusing a child will make an abuser out of it…… i am now 23 and thankfull that i overcome this and stop abusing… this blog is a releaver to me.. thank you… and i hope you don’t judge me for that. my strength is Lord God and the inspirations that i got from my studies….

  31. Edward Says:

    Hi, I wish you would finish your story, i felt sad and dissapointed 😦

  32. The source of violence and hate | A Voice for Men Says:

    […] [10] http://thelinknewspaper.ca/article/2139 [11] https://jayherron.wordpress.com/2006/09/24/a-male-rape-survivors-story/ [12] […]

  33. Jeff Says:

    Thanks, everyone, for sharing your stories and thoughts. I think the issue of men being raped by women should be shared too. I am sure it happens.

    Though I am not a Christian, the story of Lot in the Bible includes his being raped by his two daughters who got him drunk and slept with him. I am sure there are hurting men out there that have been raped by women.

    As shameful as it is according to society’s “standards” for boys to admit to having been raped by women or men to admit to having been raped by other men, I cannot imagine what it would be like for a man to admit that he was raped by a woman.

    Heck, people don’t even want to listen to a man telling about having been physically abused by a woman. I was almost sliced open with a large kitchen knife by a deranged woman when she attacked a male friend of mine and I restrained her. When I told mutual friends and acquaintances, they laughed at me, told me to forget about it, and emphasize with it. It devastated me. Imagine if the assault had been sexual? Woman on man? I would have been driven out of town!!!

  34. Keith Smith Says:

    In 1974 at the age of 14, I was abducted, beaten and raped by a stranger. It wasn’t a neighbor, a coach, a relative, a family friend or teacher. It was a recidivist pedophile predator who spent time in prison for previous sex crimes; an animal hunting for victims in the quiet, bucolic, suburban neighborhoods of Lincoln, Rhode Island.

    I was able to identify the guy and the car he was driving. Although he was arrested that night and indicted a few months later, he never went to trial. His trial never took place because he was brutally beaten to death in Providence before his court date. 36 years later, no one has ever been charged with the crime.

    In the time between the night of my assault and the night he was murdered, I lived in fear. I was afraid he was still around town. Afraid he was looking for me. Afraid he would track me down and kill me. The fear didn’t go away when he was murdered. Although he was no longer a threat, the simple life and innocence of a 14-year-old boy was gone forever. Carefree childhood thoughts replaced with the unrelenting realization that my world wasn’t a safe place. My peace shattered by a horrific criminal act of sexual violence.

    Over the past 36 years, I’ve been haunted by horrible, recurring memories of what he did to me. He visits me in my sleep. There have been dreams–nightmares actually–dozens of them, sweat inducing, yelling-in-my-sleep nightmares filled with images and emotions as real as they were when it actually happened. It doesn’t get easier over time. Long dead, he still visits me, silently sneaking up from out of nowhere when I least expect it. From the grave, he sits by my side on the couch every time the evening news reports a child abduction or sex crime. I don’t watch America’s Most Wanted or Law and Order SVU, because the stories are a catalyst, triggering long suppressed emotions, feelings, memories, fear and horror. Real life horror stories rip painful suppressed memories out from where they hide, from that recessed place in my brain that stores dark, dangerous, horrible memories. It happened when William Bonin confessed to abducting, raping and murdering 14 boys in California; when Jesse Timmendequas raped and murdered Megan Kanka in New Jersey; when Ben Ownby, missing for four days, and Shawn Hornbeck, missing for four years, were recovered in Missouri.

    Despite what happened that night and the constant reminders that continue to haunt me years later, I wouldn’t change what happened. The animal that attacked me was a serial predator, a violent pedophile trolling my neighborhood in Lincoln, Rhode Island looking for young boys. He beat me, raped me, and I stayed alive. I lived to see him arrested, indicted and murdered. It might not have turned out this way if he had grabbed one of my friends or another kid from my neighborhood. Perhaps he’d still be alive. Perhaps there would be dozens of more victims and perhaps he would have progressed to the point of silencing his victims by murdering them.

    Out of fear, shame and guilt, I’ve been silent for over three decades, sharing with very few people the story of what happened to me. No more. The silence has to end. The fear, the shame, the guilt have to go. It’s time to stop keeping this secret from the people closest to me, people I care about, people I love, my long-time friends and my family. It’s time to speak out to raise public awareness of male sexual assault, to let other victims know that they’re not alone and to help victims of sexual violence understand that the emotion, fear and memories that may still haunt them are not uncommon to those of us who have shared a similar experience.

    For those who suffer in silence, I hope my story brings some comfort, strength, peace and hope.

    Keith Smith, Stranger Abduction Sexual Assault Survivor and Child Safety Expert shares “5 Steps You Can Take to Keep Kids Safe” at http://www.MenInMyTown.wordpress.com

  35. Keith Smith Says:

    In 1974, at the age of 14, I was abducted, beaten and raped by a stranger. It wasn’t a neighbor, a coach, a relative, a family friend or teacher. It was a recidivist pedophile predator who spent time in prison for previous sex crimes; an animal hunting for victims in the quiet, bucolic, suburban neighborhoods of Lincoln, Rhode Island.

    I was able to identify the guy and the car he was driving. Although he was arrested that night and indicted a few months later, he never went to trial. His trial never took place because he was brutally beaten to death in Providence before his court date. 36 years later, no one has ever been charged with the crime.

    In the time between the night of my assault and the night he was murdered, I lived in fear. I was afraid he was still around town. Afraid he was looking for me. Afraid he would track me down and kill me. The fear didn’t go away when he was murdered. Although he was no longer a threat, the simple life and innocence of a 14-year-old boy was gone forever. Carefree childhood thoughts replaced with the unrelenting realization that my world wasn’t a safe place. My peace shattered by a horrific criminal act of sexual violence.

    Over the past 36 years, I’ve been haunted by horrible, recurring memories of what he did to me. He visits me in my sleep. There have been dreams–nightmares actually–dozens of them, sweat inducing, yelling-in-my-sleep nightmares filled with images and emotions as real as they were when it actually happened. It doesn’t get easier over time. Long dead, he still visits me, silently sneaking up from out of nowhere when I least expect it. From the grave, he sits by my side on the couch every time the evening news reports a child abduction or sex crime. I don’t watch America’s Most Wanted or Law and Order SVU, because the stories are a catalyst, triggering long suppressed emotions, feelings, memories, fear and horror. Real life horror stories rip painful suppressed memories out from where they hide, from that recessed place in my brain that stores dark, dangerous, horrible memories. It happened when William Bonin confessed to abducting, raping and murdering 14 boys in California; when Jesse Timmendequas raped and murdered Megan Kanka in New Jersey; when Ben Ownby, missing for four days, and Shawn Hornbeck, missing for four years, were recovered in Missouri.

    Despite what happened that night and the constant reminders that continue to haunt me years later, I wouldn’t change what happened. The animal that attacked me was a serial predator, a violent pedophile trolling my neighborhood in Lincoln, Rhode Island looking for young boys. He beat me, raped me, and I stayed alive. I lived to see him arrested, indicted and murdered. It might not have turned out this way if he had grabbed one of my friends or another kid from my neighborhood. Perhaps he’d still be alive. Perhaps there would be dozens of more victims and perhaps he would have progressed to the point of silencing his victims by murdering them.

    Out of fear, shame and guilt, I’ve been silent for over three decades, sharing with very few people the story of what happened to me. No more. The silence has to end. The fear, the shame, the guilt have to go. It’s time to stop keeping this secret from the people closest to me, people I care about, people I love, my long-time friends and my family. It’s time to speak out to raise public awareness of male sexual assault, to let other victims know that they’re not alone and to help victims of rape and violent crime understand that the emotion, fear and memories that may still haunt them are not uncommon to those of us who have shared a similar experience. For those who suffer in silence, I hope my story brings some comfort, strength, peace and hope.

    Read Keith Smith’s, “5 StepsYou Can Take to Keep Kids Safe” at http://www.MenInMyTown@wordpress.com

  36. Kay Wantsandloves AnimedYaoi Says:

    these are sad it is similar to my friend Riakou’s story tho.. 😦

  37. medo Says:

    Hello guys,
    My heart is really with you all. i haven’t been raped but bullied on all my life and mulisted when i was a kid but I managed to survive. My life itself was a miss and i suffered of depression. I am gay and lived in deniel and hate for myself all my life. I know what are you talking about. when someone make do what you don’ want to do. It is the frce and the humiliation that lead to blame, regret, anger, fear, low selfstemm etc. That was my life story untill I went to a psycho threpest and he tried to help as much as he can. Then he told that he usually treat people from one reason of depression but i have them all. lol. lucky me. Any way, I wanted to say you are not alone guys. And we all should work together to prevent that from happining to other people, especialy kids. please feel free to contact me and talk to me any time you want and assume me as a friend. We have a lot to share. my emails are
    Thank you all for being brave and strong
    All love

  38. medo Says:

    I hope this site will help you too

  39. Nick Says:

    I am a “hetro” guy and I was raped by another guy at college.The one thing to be certain of is that you will get over it…and Merry Christmas 🙂

  40. Nick Says:

    The most confusing thing to me was that I orgasmed.I wasn’t drunk or anything,it was just brutal and I feel guilty that I ejaculated.Anyone out there with the same confusion?

  41. Matt Says:

    Hi, I’m reading all this about 6 years after it was originally posted. I probably will ramble a lot in this comment- I don’t even know if anyone will read what I write, but I’m hoping it could prove quite therapeutic for me anyway, as I’ve never before shared this story anywhere.

    I’m a 23 year old guy living in the UK, and even though my attack occurred quite a few years ago (when I was 18) I have only just come to terms with what actually happened to me. For a long time, I tried to hide the rape from myself- I had convinced myself that the sex was consensual and that I wanted it. It meant at least I could say that even though it was a mistake, I was in control of it.

    My memory from the night itself is quite blurred, I had been out drinking with friends. We ended up going to a club (it’s all very usual) anyway I hadn’t been drinking heavily but I remember I started to suddenly feel very ill. This is when my memory starts to fail me. I partially remember leaving the club and not being able to find my friends but that’s it.

    It all comes back in flashes from this stage. I awoke and there was someone on top of me, raping me. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. I had no idea where I was or who I was with. I tried to shout out but he was pushing my head against the pillow so hard I could barely breathe. I tried to struggle but all my joints were aching and the more I fought the more pain I was in. I think I must have passed out again because I woke up again and it was light.

    I remember my whole body felt in pain, I was completely naked and there was blood all over me. The guy was still lying next to me. He seemed completely undeterred by my condition. He looked about 40 but was much bigger than. I didn’t say anything to him, at this point I didn’t understand anything that had happened. He awoke and said “rough night last night!” and then he laughed.

    I was in so much pain. He then asked if I wanted to see him again. I just stayed silent, completely oblivious to anything happened. I left his apartment after about 5 minutes and just wandered around. I didn’t understand anything at that moment. I couldn’t understand why I went home with him or why there was blood on my hands.

    As soon as I got home I showered for about an hour and then managed to get more sleep. Not letting what had happened sink in.

    The weeks that followed were difficult. I kept questioning myself and running over in my mind everything I could remember. I asked myself many times “did i willingly go home with him” “why wasn’t I scared the next morning” “why didn’t I report him- I knew where he lived”

    The only conclusion I could come up with, is that I obviously wanted this to happen. I was just too drunk to remember what exactly went on. I then attempted to move on with my life and just forget everything that transpired.

    Up until about 6 months ago, I thought I had completely removed this memory from my mind. But I happened to see a documentary on the under-reporting of rape in the UK. Somehow after seeing someones story, I ended up getting in the shower and just washing myself for ages while crying. I thought I just was feeling sympathy for this girl- but then I started to remember what actually happened to me.

    After researching male rape excessively. I have finally accepted that I was a victim of it. It’s a hard thing to admit, and I still haven’t told anyone I know.

    The trauma is difficult to cope with, but for me it is so reassuring to understand that I am not the only one in this situation. It helps me to see fellow survivors who have coped and managed to get through such hard experiences.

    Anyway, thank you to everyone for sharing your own personal stories.

  42. Dkjksk Says:

    Hey read most of your blog, thought I’d share my what I wrote down after I was raped about a month ago. I’m an 18 year old male turning 19 in 2 weeks. After my experiences I have really thought about quitting drinking, I am a completely different person on it and do messed up things for some reason.

    I was on vacation with my family to Mexico. After hanging out and drinking with some of the other guests, we went to the club on the resort. At the club I drank alot more, so much that I was cut-off. I then started to get other people to get me drinks. Taking anything that I could to fuel my drunkness. It was uncontrollable, I was to do anything to get alcohol. My account of the night is a for the most part a blur after this. A series of flashbacks is all that is left of my memory of the night. The timeframe of these events are unsure. While in the club I did the unthinkable, stealing the tips from the bartender because of being pissed off that I was cut-off from drinking. I then went to the dancefloor and someone who (I think) worked on the resort came up to me swinging and punched me in the face, I fell the ground. I then got got up and was standing near the exit of the club. This is when I was approached be a man with a drink, he gave me the drink and began talking to me. I was wasted out of my mind apparently to the point where I could barely talk straight. I was then taken out of the club. The man had given me a spiked drink with what I thought was roofies. Note: I wasn’t with any of my family members so nobody was looking out for me. The man also gave me more drugs outside. I didn’t know what they were. From what I think I remember there were two capsules with brown flakes inside them. I was then taken to his hotel room. I have no I idea why, I think he told me he was going to a party with “chicks” or taking me to my room or something. I was in the room going in and out of consciousness. I remember that I had been raped. I also remember laying on the bed and looking over to see that a group of 5 maybe 6 mid-age men entered the room all with drinks in their hands and smiles on their faces. Probably to take turns raping me or watching I can’t remember. There was I think two more drugs involved. Cocaine, something else. The sick fucks forced sexual acts upon me to which I didn’t cooperate, as a result I was punched in the face. I think thats when I got the bloody nose. I don’t remember much else, I was taken out of the hotel room and some how ended up back at the club where I was throwing over barstools. At one point someone tried to fight me by punching me in the face and telling me to “fight back” I didn’t though. Other memories I had received were that I gave the man who raped me all my personal information and that he would put a “hit” on me if I were to tell anyone. Also that one of the bastards was HIV positive and that I was to die in a few years. I was then arrested for robbery and assault. I remember then sitting in the back of a police car at the front of the resort. They told me to give them my name and that I did not want to go to Mexican prison. I was then retrieved by my family.

    The next morning I woke up in a wet bed and immediately agoligized to my mother. At this point I had no memory of the night only that I had done something wrong and was arrested. My mom told me I had stolen the tips and assaulted the bartender. I laid in bed for most of the day trying to remember what happened. I was trying to sleep. I then started to get flashbacks of the night. I was worried about what I didn’t know happened. Then I started to get brief flashbacks of being in someone else hotel room with a mid-age (35-45) stranger. He was just a bit shorter than me and hairy. A very digusting looking person. Intense fear overcame me as I tried to remember more. Graphic flashbacks came into my head. The fear was like nothing i had experienced. The most scared I have been in my life. I could no longer eat or sleep for the next three days. I had I constant thought that someone was coming to assassinate me. I only drank coffee for the next few days and cried non-stop as I started to remember more. Even now I tear up when I think about it. I tried to sleep but would have intense nightmares. One was of me looking down at a kitten pressing up against my hand and all the sudden a rotating blade cutting through my neck. The sound of the blade cutting through my neck was what really got to me, It sounded so realistic. After a few days I told me sister and then I told my mother. I tried to report the incident to the security guard but he didn’t give a fuck. He said I needed evidence and witnesses. I should have got a drug test by the doctor on the resort, but I didn’t. For a good day I was determined to find the man who did this and beat his face in. I was aware of the consequences and didn’t care if i killed the man and was to serve a sentence for murder. But I didn’t see him.

    It’s been a month now and Ive been trying to deal with It by seeing therapist. Will time heal this? I have always been a very shy person and now I feel even more anxious around people. I feel like It was for my own good. I also feel like this is going to impact my life; emotional and socially forever.

  43. Joanna Says:

    I can’t wait till you finish your story it’s very interisting and it makes you look brave, and you are brave:) you are not the only one who love boots, i love them too they just remind me off the old days and how everything youst to be perfect and now everything isn’t right but I’m praying everyday hoping it would get better:) wish me luck ohh and jay good luck:)

    • jayherron Says:

      Joanna…there is a new beginning to come-I have much more to say but truthfully-I got burnt out from writing and fighting the VA;so soon-I will resume writing here!

  44. Susie Says:

    I think my nephew might have been raped at camp. Since he has come back from camp, his behavior at school is different. Some of his teachers say he looks walks around looking very sad, and some of them wonder if he has any friends. When he came back from camp, he looked very sad and he didn’t seem to want to talk about his experience there. In my family, we are very open when it comes to talking about appropriate and inappropriate touching. My family and I even flat out asked my nephew if anyone touched him while he was away at camp. Of course he said no. But it is very possible that something happened and he is just too embarrassed to admit it. What can I do if I suspect that he was raped? How can I help or support him?

  45. jayherron Says:

    I hear your fear yet am not qualified to enter an answer that would be the one you need; I am a survivor-which does not mean I have much more than my own experiences, and it would worry me to suggest something that would turn to be more harm than good.

    I suggest asking someone a little closer to a situation as you fear your nephew has found.
    On my blog-in the column to the right-there is a list of ‘survivor’ links-one of those is titled ‘Enemey in the Wire’…the author is a MST survivor, and more!
    I think she can respond to you with more knowledge!
    I will copy and paste your question to an email to her-and explain to her why I am doing so, which-I am positive she will immediatly understand!
    In the mean-time I suggest you link to the blog Enemy in the Wire-and post this same comment/question in order for you two to communicate!

    I want to suggest this for right now-do not press this issue with your nephew. You have asked him, he said no-you must back off from that, but keep you observance of changes in mood, activity, appearance. There are signs of something has made this young man change.
    It would be demanding, or over powering in statements such as “if someone has hurt you?? we’ll see they are punished”!!…these are not healing statements.
    If a crime has been commited-and you think so-keep some notes of what you have seen, they could be useful later!

    Aunt? Where is Mom and Dad? And, what are their thoughts?
    In particular-I struggle with the idea of camp being a positive thing for kids!
    My folks sent me-I was about 10…trust me-I hated it! Bullying was in my memory very real then! I did not have fun-and was thrilled when the week was over!
    I experienced the bully-and the older teen counsulors took being ‘adults’ too seriously.
    That part is from real experience. I can only imagine what camp is like today, now we are hearing more and more of these storys of predetors reaching into those places too!

    With out pressing him about “what?” just remind him the door is open-always open-to trust!
    Trust is one of the reliable senses we survivors have lost in sexual trauma!
    I wish you and him the best of hope-and all is well.
    I am immediatly writing ‘Joan’ at Enemy in the Wire to give her the heads up you may write her yourself!

    • Susie Says:

      Thank you so much for your response. His mom and dad are there but they are separated. So my nephew doesn’t see his father often enough and consistent enough. Also, I don’t think my nephew feels comfortable enough to discuss such things with his father. But, I am very grateful for your feedback. I respect what you said about just letting my nephew know that I am here to listen and letting him know that he can trust me. I will look on the link that you suggested and inquire further there. But thanks again so much for taking the time to read my comment and respond in such a helpful way. I truly appreciate it.

      • jayherron Says:

        I told my collegue-Joan-about you, forwarded your comment to her as well…she is keeping an eye out if you decided to write to her, it would be a good idea-I know, so we are all concerned with you-and pray along with you for the correct guidence. I believe Joan (enemy in the wire) is a good person to listen too! Always here! Peace

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  48. edwardlonely Says:

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  49. Robert Says:

    I was repeatedly raped by older boys between the age of 5 – 10 having lived in a rough area with no father or brother to protect me. These boys joked between themselves about what they did to me and left me feeling worthless and guilty. After I was 10 I was able to fight back so it stopped happening but in my 30’s it happened once when a guy shoved chloroform over my mouth and penetrated me while at the same time trying to suffocate me with a pillow – the will to live made me fight back to able to kick him off otherwise I think he would have killed me – Despite being married and a father I have always been wracked with guilt that these experiences were my fault and I have never told anyone not even my wife but at 57 they still haunt me. Male on male rape is not taken seriously by anyone.

    • jayherron Says:

      Robert-you know that rape is a means of another to overpower you; it is nothing you did right or wrong, you were overpowered by older boys. The interesting thing-you still live with it-the events-and that is post trauma and is real. You are correct. we need to correct-the beliefs that men are macho and the woman a item of desire; this type of preditory disgust damages both sides of the genders; damages young-and elders, there was a case near here-of an infant….it is wrong the way our society stereo-types this crime as “not so harmless” twisting into it the sexual angle-when in fact and in final words….the victim endures the pain forever! Peace

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