relationships….?

Friendship and relationships have never been easy for me to manage. I’m not able to trust any one who is patient enough for me to know them long enough to try to learn to trust them. Sexuality is like a chore-a hard task that includes every word to define it like-work…a job…an ordeal-and not that I fear work,but the moment when a second person desires a moment of sex…the fear kicks in and I am unable to enjoy.

I’ve been married twice-a third woman and I stayed together nearly six years…but my drug abuse ended that relationship. Back then I only knew how to stand when I was high.

I met my first father in law the first week I spent in Micanopy. I was sitting on an old church pew that was set out front of the building I was living in which like most of the town was situated right on the street. It was late at night-after 10 I’m sure and I’m sitting there drinking a beer when I see these two men coming up the street. They were right in the middle of the road-in this town that did’nt matter much…but the way they were walking you could tell they were walking like angry men. And they were angry-and came right for me and the taller of the two grabbed me by my shirt and held me very close to his face and he sneered out asking me where some so and so was. I was automatically crying-had no idea who so and so was and who these men were too and all I could do was bawl. The other guy-a short fat man-came to my defense seeing I was afraid I think he was getting a bit worried so he convinced the taller man to let me go. The taller man glared into my eyes and hissed that if I ever crossed his path again he’d show me a thing or two-then…he punched me square in the face and left me laying there in tears on the sidewalk of this quaint little town.

Somewhere with in that year Lynne came up to me and told me she was pregnant and I was the father…she was barely sixteen and I was just 19-but I promised to do the right thing and square things up with her father and we’d get married….the seemingly right thing to do. I did’nt realize her father was the guy a series of months back had punched me and told me never to enter his space again.

He eventually found out and equiped with an old Western Auto shotgun and a presbyterian minister he threw us a wedding and afterwards continued hateing me. It was a marriaged based on the baby and after we had two we stayed together for nearly 10 years but the marriage ended shortly after the wedding about the same time we pulled out the driveway to go on our honeymoon.

My last marriage was at best like being married to a rattlesnake who slept in poison ivy. It is to be expected that I would take up with some one like her because my favor in people was in the underdogs of society-the bad seeds,never seeing any self worth in myself to think I could stand with upper class citizens I’ve been under the drag of the dregs.

I could’nt talk to people-my lips would gum up and the words were in my head and yet they stalled at the exit being afraid no one wanted to hear what I had to say. I was always easily the whipping boy-the blame taker the the eternal apologist…apologizeing for everything thinking and believeing it was my fault-worse…when crimes were commited I’d compulsivly believe as if in a subliminal dream I commited them. Guilt has always riddled me. And I’ve found sanctuary in seclusion-being alone now nearly eight years.

I cannot explain any more-I cannot see because my eyes are flooding.

One Response to “relationships….?”

  1. melissachickie Says:

    It took a series of relationships to get me into a healthy one. Self-destruction got the better of me most of the time, but my now husband saw past the many walls and barriers I put up to see who I really was. This is why I love him. Learning to love and take risks is the hardest. I deal with wanting to runaway still, but through becoming a mother to my 10-months-old son I have understood the unconditionality of my husband’s love. I have a church family and my own immediate family (biological and my in-law’s). I hardly have many true friends, but I do appreciate my husband as my friend and the ones I can share some part of my life. I wish for you to realize that it wasn’t your fault and you have NOTHING to apologize for. They raped you. They committed those crimes. You were the victim of those wrong doings. They should be the ones who are riddled with guilt for what they have done to you and how their actions affected you negatively.

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