more razors-no trust

I was earlier refering to a piece of art I saw with the word TRUST spelled out in razor blades. This was done in a collage’ and it was obviously done by a young woman who has been through pain too. I was also talkng about my own pain and self infliction which I call ‘damage control’.

I have got to say in some regards the last nearly ten years of my life have been managed better than the rest of my adult years. I had a stroke and that changed my lifestyle greatly…and things yet to be told here-happened that were just too much to endure and kept me in this different ‘plane’ in my life that seperated me in some ways from other parts of my life. I don’t know how to make that statement make sense. I had an extreme issue of self doubt in my earlier years and my self esteme was sunk with my doubt standing on top of it to stay alive. I drank. I also found drugs-cocaine being the specific drug of choice and the contributive drive to push me into’ damage control ‘ because the drug controled me and I was out of control and my self esteme was confused with my doubt and my entire body belonged to something else but not to me. I loathed my practices and myself every day-every day. But at night when the drugs were easier to find and they’d over take me and combine with everything else and send me toward self abuse. I finally was awakened…oddly enough from a prostitute who rejected me because I was on drugs and she quickly pointed out that she was there for men and I was’nt a man because men don’t do drugs. I got help-spent a year in out patient rehabilitation to kick it all,that was in 1982.

I thought I was always free from that problem until around 1992 I found that I was mistaken and after ten years clean I found myself sucking crystle meth up my nose and trying to haul cattle across country and all the time the meth was coercing my sanity and turning on the ‘damage control’ nerve. Incredible to go all those years and fall deep into the power of the same struggle. I have been in charge of that demon for a great long time now.

The others are’nt so easy. I’m going to attempt as best that I can to explain everything in this forum. It has definantly been a long and unusual journey to follow the path I got set on. After having my stroke I was removed from my life of truck driving and returned to my place in the forest I live in-a very secluded home. During my job of work to regain my footing and learn how to walk and talk again I would wonder into the state forest behind my home-there one morning I met a woman who’s life and background would eventually effect my life , she was an escaped murderer who had been free and on her own for nearly twenty years…and then we meet. This is an extrordinary story alone but yet it and I got combined and along with the rest of my life I have got enough things to relate that could cause one to venture to rid thier homes of television and listen to me…my life has been that uncanny.

I have a need to say as much as I can here having discovered the computer and by thinking of the numbers of people who might read this. During the art exhibit I stood off in the distance in the main lobby where I could observe the people as they saw each of our works-I wanted to see the reaction as they saw mine. It was facinating to be there and have seen the art you developed out of your own mind and knowing what you were thinking as the piece became alive with your thoughts and visions-to see how they effected others…what they saw and thought. It was like being a rock singer on a stage-they say from all the lights one cannot see all the audience but the audience sees them. Well I saw the audience and they did not see me personally…but they saw me in my art. It is as interesting here-to write and see evidence someone has read what I am telling…and,I am telling a true story-everything I am saying on these writings is so. My entire life has been effected what took place as a young man 18 years old…I know I am not the only one-I know I am not the only one afraid , but I know it is my need to purge these details and say these things.

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