razor blades and trust !

Earlier this year I had the honor of displaying some of my art in an exhibit sponsered each year by the Survivors Art Foundation-locally at the university near my home,the University of Florida.

(www.survivorsartfoundation.org)

Iimmediatly noticed a collage’ done by a young woman I assume was college age by what I could pick up from her art work. The collage’ that caught my eye was the word TRUST framed and matted and hanging there-the word was written in razor blades. I understood the meaning and pain behind that immediatly.

I have a pattern in my life which is a practice I call ‘damage control’ a title I derived from a course we did in boot camp where we put out certain kinds of fires and learned how to button the ship down if it was ever to get a huge hole in it and develope a leak. However my ‘damage control’ was where I inflicted damage on myself and the control was the level of control I placed on it…the extent of the length of damage I would subject myself to. Like the razor blades somewhat but instead of putting the razor blades in my hands to do the damage I would put myself in harms way and try to get others to do the damage-more less easier to explain that I would re-enact my submissions at barracks D and do these things in a public place where I could be sure to be beaten up-if not molested again. One such adventure during ‘damage control’ I was beaten so badly that I ended up in the veterans hospital for about two weeks-there was other damage too. I recently read about a man my age who was simularly raped as I was…in the military-circumstances nearly alike. He is now as I am-older , and seeking treatment and he tells his story where he uses duct tape to tape knives on his thighs and his ankles to have them ready for a potential attack-but has recently started cutting himself with them where as he sought help. I am not interested or capable of cutting myself but I had found it possable to get corrected by going out and finding the trouble to harm myself.

I thought I had such under control-it seemed to cease back about eleven years ago but something kicked me off earlier this year and surprised me and scared me at the same time-sickened me. I thought I had won that battle long ago. Fortunantly I was able to turn around and go and flee from the potential hazard of it finding my way to the home of a VA nurse I know and there I lost my self in tears weeping from the filth that existed in me  earlier that day-the same filth that I have carried for all of these years.

One Response to “razor blades and trust !”

  1. melissachickie Says:

    I keep reading and reading on how your life has evovled around these rapes, and I feel such compassion towards you and want to extend a warm hug and kind words. I know that it probably won’t happen, but I know that the thought is there. I understand about how you feel filth, but someday you will see that this filth is not yours but theirs. You need to learn to give back to them the filth they unjustly put onto you. I am not sure how you will do that, but it is going to be a process in which you will construct on your own. I hope and pray you draw strength from the Lord. I love that God promises us a heavenly body. I always dreamed of what it will be like when I have a new body that doesn’t know the smell or spew of Oscar. Oh what a day that will be! I look forward to my passing on because God promised me so much and I know He will make good on all of them.

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