Living dead…

wierd crucifiction drawing

Originally uploaded by jayfherron.

I really don’t know how to say some things correctly-I know how my mind is…the mind of my heart,and I know what it is I want to say. I just sometimes find it hard to express it.
My thetrapist-Charlotte,one day introduced me to a book by (Viktor Frankl) a man who was medically trained as a psychiciatrist and ended up in a nazi death camp. He was a jew.
Frankl writes about the difficulty it was to be able to talk after being held captive in such a horrid manner-and after freed he was unable to completely say what it was that was on his mind.Having been a captive I learned to understand why my voice was quiet when my mind wanted to speak.
I struggle with that too-Charlotte recognized the origin of the problem….but,there are things yet to over come.
One of you has been kind to mention the need for God to heal me in my life…trust me-God has been right upfront with me all of my life. I have somehow always had the sense of a Spirit in my life.
Hmmm-this is a man who has said terrible things have happened in his life. And-they have,and as a man in life along with all the rest of civilization I cannot fully shake these things,but-I never swore out to God as to why.
On November 16th the state of Florida executed Danny Rollins.
He murdered five beautiful young children of families from seperate lives that all of a sudden came together because this vicious man took the lives of thier children.
One of the five was a young woman we all knew-all of them were college students-this one young lady grew up right across the road from our home. Her mother still lives there-he father died from the grief of learning this lovely girl was so brutally put to death in what the murderer did to her. He raped these girls-there were four,and a young man-murdered them all. This one young woman-my late neighbors daughter, was also mululated in a way I cannot describe,it did kill her father…a long suffering death,his grief too much to bear.
I met with death one morning after being foolish with my body for about a good year of packing my nostrils with crystle meth and living behind the steering wheel of a huge truck loaded with cattle-going back and forth across the USA as if it was like going across town. I had been awake for one full week-one fool week! And boom-the heart could’nt stay with it any more and the other drivers helped me into my rig and into my bunk I fell-having a vision I can never completely convince others is true…but my heart knows no doubt about it. I was falling towards death-saw the white light of God,and the dark depths of darkness.
The reason I am here to say this is private-the experience was so incredible…you only need know that it happened for this to tie together…
The rapes in barrack D killed me-literally….only this carcass kept on walking..
I’ve had the misfortune of seeing plenty of things in the United States that AAA does not want you to see on a liesurly drive across the land. I’ve seen the prostitutes climb the high chain link fence at ‘Hunts Point’ in NYC-carrying blankets to throw across the razor wire at the top to keep from getting cut….30 or 40 woman…all at once,a sight of unbelievable reality. I’ve been on the old ‘devils highway’.route 666 going north past Gallup,NM-between there and Shiprock NM is absolute nothing-barren desert. And I have seen entire families standing on the side of that road in the middle of nowhere and where they came from and where they were going I can not say. The phenominon of it is what surprises me. There in Yuma-the largest population of homeless children in the world is suposedly existing there. I have seen plenty of kids there while we waited to clear the port of entry…down in the viaducts-catching tossed frenh fries and pieces of burger the drivers would toss down to them-like monkeys they’d run to catch these morsels-and the humans,the drivers-would rour in laughter. I hated them-the ones who laughed.
So in my heart one must understand the feelings I have about lamenting about my life when I see these tragic things happen-and know worse happens.
Why was it my kid brother got smeared to death beneath the wheels of a car-and the other kids on the block grew up and got into lives of thier own? The thing about kids who die or are killed should raise the eyebrows of our thought process to say….something must be greater than this?
In the Bible was a man named Enoch-he was valid enough of a man to give only one verse to…then in the same Bible was Job-a whole book.
Is one man more than another? Did God see this guy as better than that? No.
It has to be that this is not really life. Theres a guy that writes me who has no home at all….and I lament about my own open walls,cold air-or the heat of summer plying in. And my knowledge of the thousands of homeless kids in Arizona at the Mexican border-or in Malawi or in Bulgaria…what is the difference.
I promise you-I hate what happened to me. Why I bought a Cadillac is because of the hate of seeing me live a life so different from how everyone else is…the Cadillac is some how a symbol for me. I’ve obtained a place…a spot in life where I’m finally giving me some things. The Cadillac has no chance of eradicating my past
It just gives me something to take my mind away from it for a short time.
I know God-I know God is for sure…and there is a day,I wish it was today-where God is going to reach out and pull me up from the pit of want and desire and grief and need and horror of the way life is around us,and God is going to make me alive again.
I won’t need the Cadillac then.

One Response to “Living dead…”

  1. Claudia Says:

    There is a whole book on Enoch. They didnt include it in the bible.

    God bless you

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