barracks D drawing

barracks D drawing

Originally uploaded by jayfherron.

I’m trying to purge myself and see if I can’t rid myself of some of the memory-it is’nt working,I don’t think the memory will ever go away. Some one said to me ” get over it ” and I can tell you…that is not what someone is supposed to say when you have had everything in your very soul stolen from you.
I wrote earlier today-I am living dead.
I wish suicide was mine to have. It is’nt-I tried it a few times until I realized that the right does not belong to me. I once tied a rope around my car bumper and through it over a branch and tied it to the base of a tree,where the reminent still is today…a reminder. Some crazy miricle that someone drove up and saw what I was doing. Miricle? You need to see my place to understand-and back then the main road was’nt paved…which made it more so a miricle,no one ever wanted to come here.
So I have to live with it-hate it,but it is so.
The stigma of things would bring me down,I am down tonight…I miss being a little child where all I had to think about was pushing sand with popcycle sticks to make roads for my match box cars.
I dunno how to get over it. I wish it was that easy…as easy as it it to say.
I lost my relationship with my father-he died to me a long time ago back in 1970. Yet he is going to really die soon and the agoney of that keeps pulling me downward.
My father-my family…never has known my story. I’ve offered it to my only living brother to read-he has’nt,that I am certain. It seems really crazy to me that people I do not even know have read these things and seen that my life has been hurt-and the ones we need the most…our family,not here for me.
I am sorry…I get depressed,really depressed. Feels like an anchor is chained to my feet-and I cannot move.
I need to complete my thoughts to finish my story-and there is so much of-and it is all so unbelieveable,but damned if it ain’t true….it is all true.

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