my heads a mess…

bullhead

Originally uploaded by jayfherron.

When I was writing about DAMAGE control I was trying to explain how I tend to mess things up to be sure there is disorder,for some reason disorder makes more sense…
Like razor blades-some don’t seem to understand why a person would cut themselves and yet in my own actions I can see its almost the same thing. I don’t even know when its going to take over me but yet when it does I know full well what is happening and yet I cannot stop it.
I thought I had a great part of this under control-the DAMAGE control. A great secret of it I will not talk about here…but have to let in this that at one point in time I would do something that would almost ensure that I would get myself beat up-once landing me in the VA hospital back in the 1980’s….well,this has to be said too-I would do these things to try to re-enact the things that happened in barracks D.
I had’nt messed with DAMAGE control until something happened in June that put my feelings about being able to trust my therapist in jeopordy and this is complicated to explain but my therapist said some things that made me doubt her-and doubt the ability to trust,again. I left her office that day with voices muddled just as if I was hearing them through mud,all the while feeling like I was trying to walk through mud-waste deep mud.
When I regained myself-a hundred miles away from home and nearly in harms way but I woke up…I confessed this to Charlotte,my therapist ,and she suggested I join this group of other sexual assault survivors. I did.
Group was not for me. It took two months-three months to reach the final conclusion-this group idea is not going right…I actually felt I was going to lunge at the doctor last week and that scared me-I am NOT a violent person,but the man kept asking me questions and every answer I gave in his response to them he said I was wrong. Wrong?? This man is saying that to a man who endured day after day of torment at the hands of others and under the eyes of those who should have been protectors and not spectators-who ignored all they saw….and the ravages to my body,my rectum-my spirit…my family,nd this guy says my answers were all wrong. Well-to be fair…what he was saying is that what I was feeling was wrong?? He played a tape of masssage music in a dark boxed room-his office ( the other two guys in the group have’nt been faithful-so Doc and me were alone) and this guy wants me to sit there for fifteen minutes and to try to keep my eyes shut and listen to this bunk…and relax? In barracks D most of the assaults took place in a room nearly the same size as this doctors office…I felt so uncomfortable,and then he asks how I felt-I said I could smell the piss in the urinal where I was raped and could taste the filth in my mouth of my assailents makeing me do oral sex…all this because the woman speaking softly on the massage tape started to talk about smells and tastes. When the doctor said thats not what the tape was supposed to do and I was not listening …well,I flew off the handle-thank God I got restraint in myself because I really became upset and ready to hit this poor guy.
He’s trying to tell a guy who had people pay the price of cigerets to my keeper and for that price I was his ‘girl’….and this doctor says my thoughts are wrong?
The group broke apart yesterday.
I think it has to do with the doctor was’nt too comfortable that I told him I almost attacked him-I started to cry…it scared me that much-I could’nt harm a thing and it was so unlike me.
However-DAMAGE control is is full blast at this moment. Since then-last week after the massage tape was over…my phone rang ( the cell) and it was my younger brother. I could’nt answer the phone. I still have’nt answered the phone…its been a week now. Its about my dad-and I cannot hear the news,although my son has told me his grandfather has had two strokes,yet I am so afraid of what I am going to lose-things I never had any time before,but now it is for certain. I know its made my old mother worried…yet some way these things begin and I cannot stop them and I am on the high speed of DAMAGE control-and way out of control.
But-won’t have to do the group anymore….but I sure wish I could see Charlotte sooner than what the upcoming days allow.
I don’t think it will ever be easy to explain the extent of the damage that stayed with me ever since barracks D. My heads a mess….