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empty stairs-drawn by jay herron 2006

Originally uploaded by jayfherron.

I don’t know what it is about depression. I go along and I’m feeling fine and then all of a sudden it is as if a giant dump truck loaded with huge cinder blocks comes along and whoomps the load right on top of me. My body feels it-thats what people don’t seem to understand…the body of a depressed person hurts. Depression is not sadness-it is a sickness
.
I have to confess…I never wanted a computer in my house nor did I want anything to do with one. But things changed.
I became angry about my life being made into a source of humor to an office staff of people who were supposed to be representing me as mediators in my claim against the United States Navy because I was raped while in a US Navy detention barracks.
To be honest-the thought of challengeing the Navy about this never entered my head until I began treatment at the Veterans Hospital for post traumatic stress disorder…after 37 years of living with the damage someone finally is telling me what the damage is…PTSD.
My therapist there is the one who suggested I appeal for compensation for the damage done….it won’t pay for anything,how can it?
Well-I did. I must have forgotten what it feels like to get slammed in the face with a brick-because thats about the way it went! I had to give the details of my most private secret in my life-that as a young sailor I was repeatedly raped by several men over a long period of time-days and days. The man I had to tell this to was a veterans advocate-he wore sneakers and a ball cap…and made stupid comments like quizzing as to how come homosexuals need to rape each other….what?? What does that mean? Oh,the other choice question…were they black? huh? What is that supposed to mean? It means I’m having to confide in the mind of a bigot.
I bought this stupid computer to use to contact who ever I could-the US Congress…the VA…news programs,who ever I could find to say “this is so wrong”.
There has been very little response-at best,polite response…but thats about all.
The interesting thing is this ‘blog’ idea. I swear to you it was the farest thing away from my mind….I thought it was actually as stupid as the idea of owning a computer. I have been wrong.
The number chart offered by WordPress.com has been some sort of energy giver-to see that in four months almost 3000 people have looked at my blog,although I don’t think all of the 3000 have read it-but the small few of you that have responded have been like a good medicine….and have been uplifting and helpful in my own healing by saying the things that you have to say.
This whole thing is about change! I need to change-but more so the way the population in general see’s people like us,the depressed-considered mentally ill…those like me who are PTSD and sense how people respond when we allow them to know-they recoil as if we are dangerous. The way we center rape and sexual assault as a womans only crime-it is not! The fact that males are victims too-the population does not see that it is so.
My quest is to draw attention to the abuse experienced by veterans while in service to thier country-that is foremost,but not the only want that I have. The public needs to be educated more and more about this serious crime-we need to take it further away from the thought of it being a sexual thing….rape is not sexual,and yet the lay minds of people see it that way-and that is ignorence compared to how the south once was back in the days of segregation.
Is rape a dangerous crime-indeed it is-it murdered my life,my normal life and it is the same for any other survivor of this violent act.

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