blank-possibly brain dead!!!

box valley drawing-jay herron 2006

Originally uploaded by jayfherron.

I woke today and my body is exhausted and does not want to move-my eyes are saying…lets go back to sleep,my arms are hardly able to hold up my hands so I can type. I sit here and have been trying to think-but my brain seems unable to function and it to seems to be urging me to turn this big box off and go back to bed. Its after six in the morning-I’ve been up since five.
I think I am so tired because my body spent a ton of energy trying to muster up the strength that it needs to go to the university campus to post these flyers I have been given the task to post…I asked for the job,do not get confused…I just had not weighed what it was going to be like.
I am phobic of crowded places-and I am so afraid of going into large public places,buildings are worse. Posting these flyers requires I do both….
Please-do not get me wrong,I am doing this because I volunteered and because I need to do it…to subject myself to public exposure and get out into the mass of things-the city,and the buildings (or in this case-the campus,but it is just as much a city as the city it is in ) and battle this fear-it is still the rapist winning ( after all ) and they have been winning too long-they still have me subjected to them and it has been 37 years??
The other day it was terrible-I thought it was going well and I was encouraged about the results of the first day ( of walking the campus to post the flyers ) but that day I had reasonable time to walk through the Veterans Hospital and also the Dental College across the highway-connected to the VA by a tunnel….but my second day I went into such a stress zone that I could hardly breath-being choked by my fear,and every where I went I could not even get my hands to open my car door. I even thought if I got away from campus and out of the need to go into the large buildings-I drove across the city to the Hospice thrift store ( thinking they would permit to post a flyer) I followed a mother and her twin boys-two five year olds-into the store. The kids had a flyer too and I hovered around the area they waited in after asking permission to hang thier flyer and the clerk said the manager refused…I was relieved-and sought cover behind two little boys??
I gave up that day and came home.
Yesterday I left the house before daylight and found a place in the city where I could park and I did my usual walk through the VA and then across to the dental school and found my bravery and got out onto the road leading to the hub of the campus and found myself in the building where the school of architecture is-and all the floors were accessed by open stairs and the ‘hallways’ were open air and so I began my chore there-it was still early and no one was around so I could go from floor to floor unmolested by the fear of bumping into another person,nearly.
It is crazy…we are just talking about one piece of paper! And sevearal times I did encounter a need to ask permission to use a bulletin board and my voice shaken I managed to stutter out something intelligent-I guess-because no one seemed to bite my head off and I was given the permission I wanted with out incident.
One has no idea of the energy it takes-to be in fear of a place full of people. And as I said the other day-I think too it takes more from me as I walk through these places surrounded by students and being taken back in time where this was once my hope-to go through school and go to a college somewhere. The emotion it draws out-going through the school of architecture-that was what I always thought I wanted to be when I was a kid….and seeing into the gallery there the different models of minuature apartment complexes and high rise office buildings,and walking by all these examples of what my life might have been like-it makes me feel like crying.
I’m going to tell you something…..I keep having back yard psyhcologists telling me I need to get on with my life and get over the past-I had a born again Christian visit me the other day who kept telling me God forgave and forgot my past so I needed to please God and forget it too….after all,the question was offered-if I follow God with such faith I should be able to overcome it or it may be possible my faith is not at all.
I’m sorry-from the moment the rape onward I have not been able to forget!

One Response to “blank-possibly brain dead!!!”

  1. Mike E Says:

    These things are hard to explain to people who don’t Get It. Yep. Well…I get it — for good or ill.

    I have a crippling phobia of Applications. Job applications have never been my strong point — I often point out that the only thing I hate more than having a job is going out & getting one!

    For sure: it gets much harder, the longer you go without filling out an application. My already bogus credentials get even flimsier with the passage of time…

    And now I have to deal with these stinkin rental applications. Not a bad thing on the surface but…I’ve had one for almost 2 weeks and I can’t fill the fucking thing out. The apartment it was for is long gone — at this point I’m trying to get it done just to say I did. A dry run of sorts. Maybe use it as a ‘cheat sheet’ for the next attempt — which I’m supposed to have in hand & filled out when I go to meet my friend, who is sporting me the cash, a little under 2 hours from now.

    I’m fucked in the head.

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