courage…

sunrise

Originally uploaded by jayfherron.

I had a sweet remark yesterday about courage. It made me feel like I was going to cry-it definantly brought tears to my eyes.
I never considered it-getting this far being an act of courage and yet I can relate to the comment that was made…it was Mike E from the open container speedway-because Im always amazed that I got to this point,and I know where he has come from.
Yeah,I have collided with things along the way-gladly I was able to keep some sense about me to want to survive,I actually believe somehow barracks D was responsable for that will of survival as much as it was for my being flung into a life of no control.
I dont know what all the miracles are that guided me along the way-my sons certainly were one of the best…we raised each other and gladly we were better friends than we were parent and young ones and young ones and parent.
I remember all of those mornings when I had to walk into Archer-7 miles into the dawn heading towards a long day at a hard days work how I used the time to think of God and think of my kids and think of my life and how I used to pray that my sons did not have the things happen to them that happened to me and that thier lives would have a better foundation and that they would become someone better than me.
It was a good prayer-they all were good prayers….my sons have built great foundations and I am so proud of the way they have been blessed by those prayers.
My sons lived through a lot with me-seeing me a drunk and seeing me as a looser on drugs….and they told me how they felt-I recall once my then a 12 year old son holding the freezer door open to expose my beer to the heat,and he said-I dont want this shit in our house any more.
Sadly then-not much changed-but it had an impact on me as much as it did them-and I know I would weep and lament about my life….how sad that I almost dragged them into the hole with me-forunantly they stood at the ledge and kept thier hands out to pull me up. They were the ones with courage.
I hate my life-I hate what I cant shake…I hate that things that are long gone still kill me deep inside and wont let me die completely but fester from the shit of its memory and knowledge of what its done to me.
My courage these longer years of my life comes from knowing as I walk towards a sunrise such as the one as glorious as this that there is something far greater and far better than all the riches of this world-and that one day I will be walking towards the sunrise and I will walk right into its great beauty-it’ll be that smooth,and that gentle. I know this-I once was so close to it some years ago…I saw it and I heard it and could smell its freshness and pureity and I knew I was nearing heaven…and like a damned fool-I thought about this place and then I opened my eyes and learned I had to wait a little bit longer.