what it is is what it is…

barracks D drawing

Originally uploaded by jayfherron.

The reason why I trust in God as much as I do is because the way my truth is known and God being the the only One who knows my truth-what it is exactly that is in me….it gives me that much hope to finally come to somewhere that my truth is known completely.
I lived with all of this past with out the benifit of having some one know-never finding some one I could ever trust to let it and let it go-and perhaps fall into arms and be able to cry,and to be able to trust that person whose arms I fell into.
Until Charlotte-my therapist-no one has ever known as much,and she still doesnt know it all…like I said the other day-all of this sounds too much to me,ands theres just things I can never ever say or talk about it.But yet the knowing somehow-spiritually-that God is in tune with every moment of what your life is like ( and please dont expect me to explain why all the world has multitudes of problems…just hang with me on this)…in tune with what all my life has been about-and knows the truth,and same with yours.
I realized yesterday how fine a line I’m walking in this trip where I have exposed my truth to everyone and stepped out to make a claim-after 30 some plus years of never a thought of such…against the veterans administration,or who ever its actually against…? and sometime yesterday evening it just all sank in how alone this still is…how alone I was that night in barracks D and how alone I was the next morning in that chairs looking at that officer who told me to get used to it. I’m going up against a mechanism of such power that has these things and people at its control-and I cant even afford a decent plate of food.
Ive been trying to find someone to tell the story of how it is to live alone with the fears of the memories of what happened and then to have those memories revitalized in a way that it looks like help has finally come…but its always just sort of at its reaches,kind of tempting-but yet theres this reserve in the offerer…and theres reservation inside of yourself-because youve been shut down so many times…mainly because you are afraid to try to fight,just like all those years ago.
So in my searching I find someone and believe this person is going to speak up for us…the survivors-and learned yesterday that I was standing alone once again…because the only one that will ever really be able to validate what I have been saying all along is God,the only one on earth that can validate me has been told that it is against policy.
When I got barracks D I saw a lone bunk way back in the back where I was going to be safe-I havent felt safe since.

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