caught in a cage?

young lynx

Originally uploaded by jayfherron.

I worked as a volunteer in a place where they accept and maintain exotic animals that for some reason or another need assistance-like wildlife that becomes injured and yet can be nursed to health-this place took them and did as much as possible,and many animals and birds are re-habed and released to be free again.
Some are like this Lynx. Some rich cat (I mean dude) finds some underground source to buy a Lynx kitten (??) thinking his girl friend or wife is just going to love this unusual gift …oh,how they’ll show it of at parties and be envy of others.
But the thing grew up.
First it started to mark its space-boy did that stink.
Then it owned the house in north Miami on A1A…it just took over.
The Florida Fish and Game officers took charge of things and shot a dart the cat and it ended up with us along with dozens of other wild born cats that folks think will make a great and unusual pet.
This cat didnt do anything wrong-it just got born and looked so cute and fun as a kit and because some guy can afford to have the thing for a strange novelty to entertain his friends-this cat ends up living in a cage.
It cant be returned to the wild-it has no idea how to live (unless its in a plush home on A1A in north beach).
Its almost like the life of those of us who have been sexually assaulted. We were born free but somewhere along our life we were taken and from that point on we too have lived a life locked away in a cage.
Interesting-this Lynx is in a cage that is meant to protect him,it wouldnt be able to live otherwise…it is wild ,and dangerous-we certainly can not pet it and make it feel welcome because its born instinct says it is in danger all of the time,and yet we couldnt send it back to its natureal home and relese it-because it had no instinct of how to hunt to eat and survive.
Its something like the control our attackers had on us-after our freedom was taken from us
and we were put into this unnaturael environment-once freed from that we end up living in a cage of our own mental security-our instinct always saying we are in danger-and being out in the freedom of the world we have no more instinct to live like others,the compulsion of our fears limit the way we move about-the compulsion of our fears controling how we do move about.
That the damnest thing about this crime-rape and assault against our bodies. When somebody is murdered-its rough,but the victim is dead…and over time greif works out many things-but still,yes-the horror of the memory lingers. But the victim has no more pain about it. I know this sounds crass-but yet even when your home is burgled and your prizes are stolen you feel violated-but soon the check comes and you can buy the things to appease the loss and fix the broken window.
When our body has been violated-no check can come in the mail to replace that. The only thing that will erase my memory will be death-the murdered victim looks more better off,and many mornings I have thought that would have been best.
I cannot begin any day in my life with out there being something there that renews what happened 37 years ago-everyday,every morning…just doing something what so many take for granted,going to the bathroom,I can never forget and thats how my day begins-realizeing one more day the damage that was done just by wiping my ass.
Every morning,it never misses-the memories of barracks D are so vivid,the damages not only to my body-but my mind and my life.
Its got to be that way for every victim of rape and assault-Im sick of refering to it as sexual assault….that lingering memory of the moment you were violated,and it surely was not a sexual moment.
What a miserable secret it is-how you have to hide your lifes truth from others because of how others respond ,and many dont know how to respond. So the thing-the attacks and the secrets build inside of you and trail you all through your life.
Its very hard to explain-it is easier for me to be in a cage.