The stampede in my body…

wierd crucifiction drawing

Originally uploaded by jayfherron.

I have written a while back about my depression and how painful it is-I know there are many others that would agree as to how the body fails under the strength of depression. Its as if I can feel every one of those 200 bones in my body from my face down to the bottom of my feet. Its happening today-Ive felt it coming on for a few days-but see that today it has almost taken over. I dont take drugs for it-actually finding forceing myself to work and excercise helps. But at times I still loose and want to lay down and die…its what I feel like is happening anyway. My body becomes so stiff and those bones are feeling like they are trying to pop out of my body-and my entire being just wants to collapse from the pain-oneday into peace.
I think certain things contribute to depression-I cant be certain,Ive tried the treatment….pills,they suck and make you feel like you are on a constant mesculine trip with this make shift grin on your face because you cant help it-yet there is that agitation like the strycnine thats in the mesculine and how it works you up.
I believe I set myself up for this drag ass event in my life-I allow so many things to confuse me and at some point they all collect and drop on me like a huge 16 ton weight.
Truth is-I’m in pain from something that is inside of body. I seem to be certain theres something wrong-its been throbbing for six years but now its not just a throb-its fucking agony and I cant hardly sit and I cant sleep all night with out it feeling like some one has just jumped on my gut-usually around two in the morning and then I toss and turn all night. I had been on Percocete for almost all that time but couldnt stand it any more-the feeling that Percocete gives you,so I quit it in June last year.
Are you getting depressed too? I just realized how dull and droll I am this morning-the jump on my gut was about 0145 and its a new day dawning…
I think also my endeavors for veterans rights is defeating me. I learned the other night I might be in violation of a bi-law in our committee-the Alachua County Rape and Sexual Assualt Advisory Board because I live just into Levy County…and the bi law says I need to be a resident of Alachua County and although I can go to the edge of my property and hop into Alachua County is’nt good enough. I had hoped this council would be a boost to help me to help us-the veteran who has been violated-Ive proposed a motion that the board send a delegate to the county commision to request change in how sexually victimized veterans are recieved-and who is recieving them for filing a claim. The motion failed-this was last months meeting,and so I re-wrote it but this months meeting I heard the bi law and of course my PTSD took charge-easily because I was already in a large building and in a group….and I didnt get to offer it up.
Theres a banquet-its been the formost topic in each meeting since I became a member-we all are new members as this is the first this board has come together. I cannot go to this banquet…I’d piss my pants Id be so nervous…funny how the laws on access for disabled people dont cover the effects of PTSD,I demand a plate of food get sent to me! That way I can eat alone and not have to hear the breathing of others-which really sets me off.
I wanted to try to change something for us veterans…and found this committee is not as intent as I am wanting from them as it seems more of a social planning board than a team of people who can make a large difference in righting the wrong the is a barrier to us.
I think our civil rights is being violated the way the system is now.
Sorry to start the weekend in a drab mod.

2 Responses to “The stampede in my body…”

  1. Mike E Says:

    I’m with you dude — everything fucking sucks.

    My mom, who has fibro mialgia (sp?) was also intolerant of opioid painkillers but did find one that works. I’ll find out what it is & get back to you…

    Hope you made it through the weekend in one piece.

  2. Jean Carver Chance Says:

    Loyal friends like Jay Herron most certainly soften the sadness of losing a family member. Grier Carver, 62, died quietly early Monday morning. He received the ultimate in kindness and care at the Gainesville VA palliative care unit. Cherish your family and friends; time is fleeting. Goodbye to a special brother.

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