zim radner…the ersatz friend

zim radner

Originally uploaded by jayfherron.

I don’t make friends easily…much because of trust,but alot to do with the secluded lifestyle I live. Heck….lets just be honest-I keep to myself and I am standoffish-that because of trust…and often times confusion-the muddled mind takes over.
Obviously-I spend far too much time alone….even in trucking-I was always alone.
I really do not know when it was but I developed these voices-lately I think its bevcause I’m a loner and the voices are needed at times to fill in the void…but at most points they come out on thier own-even at moments I never expected such as during normal conversation with someone. The voices have names-in a sense. I wont go into them all-but the odd one is Zim Radner because he’s not actually a voice but he is the sole topic of Chet…the voice.
I am the sound machine for the voices. And I am not sure where they came from-the most prominant is Chet who is always telling thw world how Zim Radner woulfd have done it if he was alive today…Chet,the kind of guy that looks over the top of his eyeglasses to make note of everything you were doing-critical note….and when he speaks he whispers in that old Polish accent of his and says things such as “…if Zim Radnuh (Chet could’nt say RADNER…he’d say RADNUH)…..if Zim Radnuh was heuh (here) heda neva (he’d never) done it the way yuose izza (you are) doin it…” in that low whisper of his. Chets one of those those guys that has to get right in your face to talk….nose to nose-always talking as if he’s sharing a world secret….in that low whisper of his.
But wait…these are imaginary people I’m talking about.???
Yeah…yes yes yes-I know and I also know I’m 56 years old and I do not hear voices….I speak them. Theres actually several-theres two brothers….but Chets the most vocal…my gosh-I even have my oldest friend Pete bringing up Zim Radner because he’s so familier with him…dang guys more popular than me! Pete’s always asking me what Zim would do to get out of this situation or that developing problem.
I started writing( comical stories) about him on a Yahoo 360 blog….I guess one can search for him?

Alright-this hard as anything Ive tried to say…the loneliness is hard to take. Ive tried to meet others-to get and try to enjoy being at some kind of gathering….I went to the art reception and was in such a state Im not even sure if when I got spoken to if I was able to respond normally-or in some cluckish style of speach? But I felt the best when I got outside into the open and walked back to my car-which I parked over a mile away…..mumbleing to myself in one voice who has a brother,I also write about them in this other blog.
I dont know how to say they came along-Zim has been a feature around here for as long as I can remember…should I say Chet? Actually-Chet himself is a replica of Chet Gorsky,a man I worked with when I first started working for the water tank company back in the 1970’s…but I think its more recently for the others.

I am lately feeling like my period of depression is about to begin…I feel like the ground is slushy ice on a lake in Minnesota somewhere-I guess when the spring thaw comes? But I can sense these things when the world is starting to become compressed around you and I begin to feel squeezed…my body body begins to ache.
I cant have this now. I need to strengthen up-I am seeing my oldest friends going into death….and my father too,and most likely my mother will follow-and along with them what has’nt been known to them will die to….the things they never knew about me.
I talked to my mother last night and she reminded me about how I had hitched hiked all the way to Maryland from Florida to catch a ride with them to go to my grandfathers funeral (my mothers father)…and they would’nt let me go. I had forgotten that-I really had forgotten that….and it hurt to be reminded.
That was sort of the case with my favorite grandmother-I waited for word of information about her funeral arrangements-and they never came. I was told later theres was no real funeral-just my mom and dad….but learned not so long ago there were more than just them-my other brothers were there,so I was lied to….and I would have ridden a bycycle to Washington for her-thats how much I loved her.
So its things like that which push me away further and further….

Sure enough-none of this makes any sense,I am just rambleing on…telling everyone that I have imaginary friends-my gosh,what are you thinking of me?

But the seriousness of it is….is that it is!