there is a place called home




little window Pete

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

It’s really early-too early…well,now it is 4 AM-the rush to catch the rain from flooding everything is not as hurried as it was although it is still ‘worried’ because it is still pouring rain out side-and my roof is leaking like an old tug boat with a rusted hull.
I sit down and slump-I’m tired as can be and about 3 AM I wake slightly to this sound-rain….Praise God because Florida has needed this rain. The fires and the forests.

I am certain my words this trip will not make a great deal of sense…I just need to write and hope I am protecting this computer from the rain-I just got it hooked up and got myself into debt that I couldnt afford to get it because this computer has turned out to become a way for me to speak….I hate to say it,but some ways it seems a sort of freedom has come through it (I come from a land where a camp fire has more to offer than electronic gear).
I am pauseing now-let me catch up…I am so thankful for this rain as I know everyone north of me is-and those all around,but the fires are more north…and the area needs the relief and so do the fire fighters.
This is a tropical storm-so I’m seeing on the radar…and then I begin to think of Katrina and those folks in the Gulf citys from New Orleans on and the noises they must of woken to-much more destructive than the dripping that woke me up a while ago. Now my room is spread with buckets and towels are all over and my mind is racing to ask if Im going to dismantle all of this computer (that I just set up) and move it to the front of the house….and then I just get pissed off because that was the first thing I thought about….and not homeless kids,and kids in Africa with aids-or the kids in Iraq that are getting blown up-or the people in New Orleans who lost far far more than what I’m losing right now.
whew…whew whew whew! What I sometimes forget!
Back in those days some years ago when I used to get up the same time every morning as the rain woke me today-the leaks…they couldnt help it because they dripped across my face and bed. I would get and get a shower from water stored in a drum and walk nearly seven miles-out of these woods and into town. The walk was so quiet that I could hear the electric going through the wires over head.
It was so dark and I admit at times I would be a bit afraid and spent much of the walk muttering prayers and most of those prayers would be that I would never loose touch with where I was right then-the fact that I was so poor I didnt have a car and was walking to a town to hitch a ride to the city to reach my job. A round trip made every day of the week.
It is a part of that which hasgotten me a little upset at myself this morning-because my first reaction was about these things,electronic media which divided up in cash could do something for some poor child in Kosovo and perhaps help him or her off to a better life.
I asked God over and over in those prayers those many mornings that I would never forget what it was like right then for me and my wife and small kiddies-they were just toddlers. We had found our life out here -homeless in the woods- in a pup tent to start-it eventually grew to a tarp covered green house,which sustained us for nearly two years ( you can read about this in ‘the walked home home’) and I remember a night like this one where it was pouring down rain and the tarp was not even trying to hold the water and me and my sons and thier Mom were huddled under a blanket with another tarp to keep dry and my littles boys hair-I could smell their hair and I’ll forget that scent of little boy dirty sweaty hair and thinking how blessed I was to have these two kids and to be a father and to be to be so rich to appreciate the smell of their hair. And I never want to forget that time in my life-in our lives….because it humbled me during those mornings,every day going to a job over 35 miles a way on foot and thumb.
I told you I was going to ramble….
I am like everybody-I have wishes. I wish sometimes it was done and I could go home! Sometimes the strength I talk about is gone and I want to walk out into the forest and find a nice tree and lean back on it and go to sleep…a long and forever sleep.
I had a conversation yesterday that told that aint going to happen-the person I was speaking with said I had more that I needed to do “you are not finished yet”,she said. I had that same conversation way back when I hauling cattle and the spirit struck my chest-my heart was giving out from too many drives across the states to California with no sleep for a week – all assisted by a filthy drug called meth…I was given a chance that day. I was helped into the cab of the truck where the spirit struck my heart again and knocked me flat on my back into the sleeper bunk and I passed out and my body sensed that it was going to death…or can I say LIFE? because it was beautiful…and it was peaceful,and I heard these voices speaking to me softly and the language was something I had never heard before-but for reason I understood it….and they were saying this was all good-but my mind was still coming to this world.
So the voices said if I woke it would be okay-they would be ready for me again…so I had nothing to fear,and nothing would be lost-what I was seeing was a place I would be returning to.
At that time I had no idea what was happening anywhere else but there at that moment-I felt myself becoming a horizon-a long flat beautiful light that went for infinity in each direction for as far as I could see….
I dont know what it was. I think some ‘bull hauler’ jumped in the cab to see if I was alright or if I was dead…something brought me back to this but with me came this perfect memory of what just took place.

Yesterday during the conversation I had the woman said I still had things I needed to do.
When I came home and got my computer up and got my messages there were two comments on this blog from two who understand survival from sexual assault….and those two comments tell me that the lady was right-there is more I have to do because the way of what I am telling any one who wants to know…about these things that happened in my life-the intent is to reach others,to touch them in some way to reach out and grab LIFE….and yet I just told you I want to go out and lean a tree and grab that long nap!
I was giving up this morning and the memory of those two comments-those two who reached down and pulled me up….and backed up by the conversation I had earlier in the day….and telling me that I need keep on doing what I’m doing and quit worrying about the roof leaking!

4 Responses to “there is a place called home”

  1. Ani Says:

    You’re a very heart felt person. I have been very touched by your messages and comments. You do still have a lot of unfinished life before you. I’m sorry about your roof leaking though. My boyfriend and I had that problem in our last apartment, but it doesn’t sound like its to the extent of what you’re dealing with. Its okay to be pissed about it. Don’t be so hard on yourself for being human silly. ::hugs::

    ~ Ani

    PS: I’ll sent you the instructions for the links as soon as I can. You’ll get there no matter how electronically clutsy you may be.

  2. Di Says:

    Hi. I found your site two days ago and have read the entirety. Your openness and honesty and realities that you’ve so far shared are genuinely, truly appreciated. I hope to read more, MUCH more in the many days, months and years to come.

  3. jayherron Says:

    such an awesome reward-to have someone say they hope to read more of my writing…it is such a reward,one better than money can buy!!
    thank you,this is what I am supposed to be doing…I guess its why the angeols sent me back!!

  4. Terri Says:

    Jay,

    I am glad i got to see you again and thanks for the CD’s and the other generosity you showed me. I know what it is like to be so depressed and want to die. I have lived that way over half my life. I too have some horrible abuse stories in my head, that i deal with on a daily basis. But the secret is, and i think you know this, that it does not define who you are. You like me want to give to others i can tell, that is what keeps people like us going. You are a special person and i am a better person for getting to spend the little time i got to spend with you and know you.
    Like you said, your sons, are good men and i see how happy your grandchildren make you. You are truly blessed, you are right. Keep on sharing your message, i will keep up with your writings, i look forward to it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: