about privacy….

VA stairs drawing-jay herron 2006

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

I don’t even know if ‘privacy’ is the correct word-but I do know that if somebody touches me and I am not wanting them to,then my privacy has been taken advantage of.
I am going to have trouble explaining this-I think….but lets give it a start by saying about nine years ago I was sitting outside of the VA waiting for an appointment. Out in front of each main entrance is where all the guys in wheel chairs go to smoke…its just so strange to see all the fellows in purple pajamas and pushing one of those towers with all that liquid healing stuff attached to them-oxygen…and blood pressure moniter and even a trachie,and there they sit smoking.
I was sitting on one of those bences back then and struck up a conversation with a woman sitting next to me-there was something interesting about the way she looked…her hair was short and new looking-stiff kind of…and I just asumed she might have been a cancer patient who has been growing her new hair back and I could’nt help to figure that if I was sick with a terminal illness I’d probrebly go get some Winstons and resume smoking myself. Stupid thing to think.
Any how…some how we struck up a short conversation-she was a nurse at the VA and was on a break. Over the years we’d bump into each other in the hall some where and “how do you do” was always said and usually that was all the time needed to say hello-and so it went like that for about 8 years until one afternoon I bumped into her at the local library. This a very interesting looking lady-her manner of dress is noticable because she is always wearing a dress that gives her the appearence of being from Norway…and so its easy to spot her-short hair,Norwegian outfits….perhaps its the clogs that gives that impression.
So-in the uniqueness of it all we got together for a cup of coffee at her house-which was right there in town! And of course-we laughed at the coincidence of it .
After that coffee and chat we had several other coffee days…I dont want to say dates becuase this story is because of confused and baseless conclusions…and that word ‘date’ could set off another rash of problemed thinking.
I eventually confided in my nurse friend that I am being treated at the VA for PTSD because of my assaults-trust…why not,after all this is a nurse? Trust…hmmmm.
I suppose two months maybe had gone by since we first had a coffee and I began to notice certain things that made me sense that my nurse friend was saying things that had terms of inuendo that were suttle hints of….perhaps ‘love’. Not what my thoughts were…never once did I indicate that was what I was feeling because I was not-and am not now.
I pointed this out and my gawd did the tears flow-they actually shot straight out,something I had never seen before-it was bad…but it had to be explained that I was only capable of being her friend. I was told that was NOT enough. So-I did’nt see her for a while.
Then I got this message on my answering machine one day-weeks and weeks since my explaining friendship. She wanted to be friends again…
Then it came out-I was wrong and she was right and I was needing more but did not yet see that but she was going to be patient until I came around to her point of view-which it turns out was she felt she could break the reluctance to become sexually involved with anyone and she was going to show me ‘touches’ and ‘energy’ that was going to change my life…..I did not think so. And I told her I was not then nor ever wanting sexual contact with her….friends…friends!!
Another few weeks of that being silent and then my phone rings and my nurse friend has decided that being friends will okay.
Then the suttle touches-she’d touch me and would look at me to see if I was responding….then the hints-sex hints….questions-sex questions. And then one evening-the evening of the first art exhibit I was involved in…I had walked to the gallery from over the other side of campus to get up my nerve to be in the building-my phobia of buildings….and so my nurse friend was there at the reception. She offered me a lift to my car,so I accepted.
At my car I turned to thank her and zoom…before I knew it she had her mouth up against mine and stuck her tongue in my mouth….I thought I was going to vomit but I gave her this wierd look and got out of the car and walked to mine spitting all the taste of her spit that I could get out. The thing was-this kiss became her twisted thought that I had offered it and she made mention of that several times that I had kissed her….I had not.
I swear to you…I have never done anything to promote this-I never said anything that would suggest my love for this person other than my love for a friend.
A few months ago I had to go into the city and offered a ride and a meal at the ‘filafal shop’ and after that dropped her off and by the time I got home a message was going on so I picked up and it was her and she stated that she needs it all and that friendship was not enough and thus she did’nt want to see me or talk to me again because her love was so strong and I am not ready to accept it…..I would never get ready-it was friends…a friend! not a lover…that I wanted from her.
So that was that-until this art exhibit….she was there. This time I walked to my car.
So now its back at that again…the suttle touches and these stupid little giggle thing she does showing me she got away with it and I’m so damaged from it….however,she has yet to figure out that I hate it…and hate the suggestion I am not knowing how good she will be for me….that a moment of sex with her will erase my memories of being victimized-what an idiot.

Let me tell you something that I have said before-death is not something I fear,and I think I’m going to die soon because I have health problems…and I am ready to die-very very ready. Now I might be wrong-I might be going to live for another 50 years…that is for sure a date I am not kept posted up on-I just know one day its going to be there. I need to point out-I only believe in suicide when the pain from health is at it peak-and not because you just dont feel like living! So-that is not going to happen and not what I am trying to say here!
For about six years I have been having the worse headaches and have gotten somewhat adjusted that thats what it is to be-headaches…until recently no one explained them-but now we know I have an ‘anyuerism’ in my brain….I know what that is. I know what it can do. I am alright with this….
My nurse friend won’t leave it alone. You see-there is her at the VA and my health care is at the VA so she has access to my records and I know that…and I know that she knows perhaps more than I do.Shes already pointed it out several times that the clinic I am going to be seen at for my ‘brain hurting’ is the slowest and worse in the VA system….wow-now I am overly thrilled to go there! And of course-she knows I have PTSD and waiting in a waiting room is not always easy for me…..zoom,she has repeated this over and over already that I’m not to stand for it! Whew…is this ever stressful…so I asked her to leave me alone about it and you know what? SHE WON’T and I came home yesterday evening and theres a message on my answering machine….saying all the wrong things,oh yeah-about her love too. And I was just fresh from coming from saying-leave this alone! I am good with this! I am at peace with death…no no-she insists I am wrong!
She left a message telling me she doesnt want this thing in my brain to burst-for her hope my love will eventually see the light and I will realize how it will be to live side by side with somebody because thats what they want….(if I cant have it all I dont want any of it!)
Does that sound like love?
Not going to happen…

2 Responses to “about privacy….”

  1. mary Says:

    I read this once that men tell the truth right from the start and women do not listen. I do not agree that it is gender related. I have had men that I had absolutely zero interest in beyond friendship inform me “you know you love me, you are just afraid”.


  2. God Says:

    I’m Sorry this happened to you. Just know that there is life after rape. God Bless and All the Best!

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