….the feeling of depression-

the door to barracks D

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

The few weeks have been right at the stress level where I peak and have no control over my body getting prepared for depression-I hate it and want to die.
I’ve spent the past two months with the belief I have an anyurism…this is what the letter from the VA clearly says-and yesterday was my consultation with a nuero surgeon who says I’m making it all up…heck-it was’nt me that operated the MRI or wrote that letter.
Yes I guess I’m glad about it-but there does’nt seem to be enough time to settle and think on that. Fresh in my head are these two poor remains of my brother and sister and that trip and ordeal…and that morbid plan. And then over the week end I recieve the order for a hearing from the VA…the moment of time has come-and my lawyer can’t make it. I’ve waited more than 37 years for something like this to happen….I waited all day yesterday for her to call-it seemed like 37 years again.
I can’t hardly write-my eyes are full of grief and I swear I wish what ever it was in my head would bust wide open and send me into opens arms of a real life with God.
I can’t bare the thought of being a part of today…or the next few days-depending on how long this time lasts. My body feels like its spiraling down towards an endless tube-my bones ache from the weight-the trillion tons depression weighs burdon me…