Tuesdays!


a view of the walked home home!
Originally uploaded by jayfherron

 I usually do not write on Tuesdays. The morning is my time to go into the city and visit Charlotte-my therapist-at the Veterans Hospital. I usually have to be out of here by six to be able to get there on time-on time to able to do my walk around the complex,through the VA basement and across to the dental college via the tunnel. I do this several times each Tuesday to adjust to the feeling and sound of the buildings-to adjust my fear…sort of a way to hypnotise myself and take control. Around twenty til eight I go up and take my position in the hall and wait for Charlotte to open the door.
Its the way it is….ain’t it?
I missed being there three weeks ago-I had to drive my cousin to the airport in Orlando. Last week I went and waited and the coordinater for the clinic came out and gave me a look of confusion as to why I was there…?? Charlotte had been called to do something somewhere else?? (it seems I had not missed at all-Charlotte had been gone that Tuesday too)
Yesterday I had to be at the VA and so I checked with the coordinater….
“no,we’ll let you know”!
It was offered for me to see someone else…huh? After nearly three years of weekly talks with one person-it took a long time to build trust…this is the only person who knows me. How can I be expected to pick up with someone else…Charlotte has only just gotten to the place where I think I can trust her well enough to cover some of the issues we have yet to touch…things that are needing to be told-talked about….all which make this bizarre life of mind sound even more screwed up.
The shrugs of the shoulders in response to my question to the PTSD coordinater are not sufficient to ease me….where is this person who I need?
How can they just drop me like that with out some kind of explaination?
I know I have done something to have caused this….yes Jay,take the blame and eat a handfull of guilt.

I am compulsive and need this regularity or I get jittery-I went this morning  and I waited at the coordinaters cubicle and he was’nt there but a woman asked if she could be of help….and she gave me an explaination (as she described it…the best she could do and it still sounded lame) and offered to see me? who is she? What could we possibly talk about? (I guess she was a therapist too?) so my day is a day of confusion….I fear damage control…I fear it…god how I hate damage control.

3 Responses to “Tuesdays!”

  1. Mike E Says:

    Shit dude — you are entitled to an explanation. Don’t leave without one…

    Sometimes you just got to put your friggin foot down.

  2. jayherron Says:

    …It’s what I want to do-takes me a few weeks…or forever!

  3. Ani Says:

    Thats ridiculous. Maybe your therapist had a sudden family emergency that came up and their out of town with that — a sick parent, child, etc? When things like that happen they’re really not allowed at times (or feel not obligated to) give the missing person’s clients a reasonable explanation. Hang in there and you’ll find out soon enough I would hope.

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