…”be discreet”

little window Pete

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

I began writing these looks into my past one year ago-almost-because I figured as one guy (a fairly reclusive one at that) no one is ever going to hear what I have to say. Besides-I’m too damned tongue tied and nervous in front of people…so hearing me was hopeless. Then I figured out that the computer had potential to reach others and in a wider range-faster. I need to reach others.
I seem to have ruffled some feathers-or maybe its just that I am getting attention from those I am shooting arrows at….the Department of Defense seems to be looking at my journal-as any of you know about this WordPress dashboard,one can find how others have come across your blog-links are shown,and search engines-and by howdy…there was the DoD. Its fair. I often go there to read their materials on how sexual assault cases are responded to….looking for laws that might have bearing on my case.
I should have left well enough alone-it has become a rather high hurdle,more than I ever thought. If you ever want to know what feeling small is like-take on an entity like the government.
I was content as a trucker-the solitude and inability to be able to get attached to others was fitting for a guy like me. All I had to do was go from one place to another and never be bothered by another person…the peace was priceless.
I’m going to far out of the range I need to be in here…theres something amiss-my missing therapist,and now the reason why…??
I’m sorry. I am weak. The consistantcy of being there every Tuesday on time every time has been disturbed-and seemingly halted…and dang if I aint going through some rough times about it. The night before last was seemingly going to be the peak of it-I could’nt sleep…and I got pissed off because this quiet and unknowing about Charlotte has been knawing at me and knawing at me until I am darned near sick from it.
So-in an outrage…at 3AM in the morning I call the VA and dial an extension for a doctor up in the clinic where Charlotte is and I spouted out how unfair this whole thing is.
I got a call back.
The doctor gave me a confidence….”be discreet”,she said.
So-out of respect for Charlotte…I am not going to say what I was told,however…
may I say it like this??
I think I’ve ruffled some feathers (hey-this may not even have anything to do with me-so as it was told to me).
I think I’m saying too much for some peoples peace of mind-those who would rather I just shut up and go away. Heck…I was away until you all brought it up (by you all I mean the VA). For 35 plus years it was my burdon and my shame-silently. None of this-the computer and the writing-would have ever happened if I had not gone to see a veterans advocate-and going there was the VA’s suggestion,actually encouraged…
I thought times had changed-things were better….I could trust the system-finally!
The veterans advocate listened to my story as to what happened to me in the Navy. His ‘ball cap’ propped on his head as he took in my story….I was’nt wounded in combat like most of all the veterans he meets. I was raped and repeatedly sexually assaulted for nearly two months….not something ‘gunny in a ball cap’ was used to hearing!
His comments riled me…gee,you never would think homosexuals need top rape each other! Thats pretty much how he said it…I gagged. What an ignorant statement (and…is it legal?) which was enhanced with more ignorance….were they black? meaning my attackers. Assumption-conclusion…with no foundation except an ignorant gunny seargent who had no business hearing my plea for justice.
I wish like hell this never started…except it did and out of my control in barracks D on new years eve (way early in the morning-hours from the midnight call of 1970).
I said something then-that was my last time…until about three years ago.
I would have lived my life the rest of the way alone with this-quiet and silent as has been. This,by the way,is not an incidental thing with me…each morning-every morning I awake with the memory being right there….I see it the moment my eyes open. It comes more alive when I have to go to the bathroom-real alive. Its worse when I shower and try to clean myself…get over it,some have said….never will that be until the peace of death comes for me-never will that be.
I have great concerns about what is happening with my therapist…I am in a state of belief that it IS my fault-that I’ve said TOO much.
I will say this-the request to be discreet came because I was told there is an investigation….hmmm,now that eases my feelings (not…not at all) because I open up my email the other day and find out a Navy CT is reading my blog (and I hope for good intentions…but a CT?? woe,thats a strange and interesting job-in the Navy that is a cryptic message reader)) and the request was made for advice-I truely hope the advice I offered was encourageing and helpful. But then I check my ‘stats’ on my WordPress and see the Department of Defense is looking…and then I’m told there is an investigation?? And-it has nothing to do with me…???ding dong…ding ding dong…not the right bell to plant that seed in!!
“…BE DISCREET”