the BIG mouth! THE feeble MIND!


an apartment-no view
Originally uploaded by jayfherron

The Holy Bible has a verse in James (3:8) about the tongue…the talking tongue-and describes it as full of deadly poison

On board the USS Vulcan we had a guy named Billy who was always coming into the middle of a conversation and asking who we were talking about. Billy was a chatty fellow-mostly talking about things he did not know about but pieced together from snippits of information gathered here and there. He was the kind of guy that was as low level as the rest of us but always seemed to have information from above somewhere-as if the brass spirited him off to the side somewhere and said “Billy,do not tell a soul…” and of course,Billy would.
That day my brother Frank came from the Vulcan to arrest me -there was a line up of men who passed the hatch (doorway) to look at me sitting there in a chair,one of those men was Billy…the only one of them that I knew!
It was shortly after that the master-at-arms and my brother Frank arrived with papers for me to sign and accusations that had been made….one that I was doing drugs,they said Billy told them everything. Billy had no idea what he was talking about. There was never any drugs.
That same night I was taken to barracks D,the following day was New Years eve 1970…my life was changed forever.

I really have no idea what the conversation my brother and Billy might have been like…I only know the man had no truth in what he said.

Sometimes it is hard to explain things to another person…sometimes you try to relate why this is this and that is that and it seems in my case I do not feel I do a very good job of it-mostly because all of this is so outrageous and so hard to comprehend,so hard to believe!
Once a long time ago-one of my sons (then a kid about eight) came screaming out of the woods. His eyes were packed with sand and I had to take a hose and wash it out….it took about 20 minutes and I was scared to death. In my fear a rage began. My other son had thrown the sand and after we got the sand out I whipped the boy. It was the only time I ever did that-ever!

I was called to the school and the childrens services were there and I told my story as to why I had lost control.
The woman from childrens services looked at me and responded that the day before she was driving her elderly mother to an appointment and there was a car crash-caused by the other driver. The lady confessed that she told her mother that if the driver in the other car was’nt dead she was going to kill him…!! If that had not had happened to that woman she would not have been able to understand the way I was explaining what happened.
Its just that fine of a line.
Have I throughly confused you?
It’s the difference of explaining a complicated situation to someone who has never been in one before…if that woman had not had the accident she would have never believed my story!

This is in a way to to clear up my latest black hole…my therapist being absent for so long-and why. It is also a way to try to understand what happens in the feeble mind when one ( such as myself ) allows things to eat at me and eat at me and the skitzo voice in my pathetic head starts whispering….you are at fault…you are the one…and guilt overcomes rational thinking. Only those who can understand mental illness can understand what I trying to say (by those who can understand-I mean those who are mentally ill ) the way hidden voices urge you towards self doubt….
I have learned a persons lies have gotten my therapist in trouble-better said,under suspicion.
I know no more than that…I lie,I know more than I can say.
What I can say is that for another persons self need they used a fabricated scenerio to draw trouble for my therapist….to gain something for ones self they have lied and the lie has damaged many others,not just the one person the liar shot the arrows at….all of us who seek the goodness of this healing time in our lives-and some disenchanted individual tells a lie and causes so much damage for just their gain.
How many of us others who are in the dark about why our treatment has been halted…how many of us had thoughts of ‘damage control’?? I did….I began it,slowly-but for sure it was under way because in my feebleness I blamed myself…
who else has the same kind of guilt? Who among those who have been seeing this faithful person have been effected by the tongue? and its poison? And how easily the damage came,with out consideration for anyone else but the liar. How close has somebody come to hurting themselves because of this one flick of the tongue?

You see – I can understand what that damage does.
Billy,for what ever he got out of it…lied!! His lie help boost me into the future I had…I bet he never even considered that. Just as the liar in Charlottes case.

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