the door to barracks D




the door to barracks D

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

I never until this moment connected barracks D with ‘d’ for depression.
Any of you that know depression knows that it sinks you really quickly. Folks that dont know depression think it means you are sad-pehaps,but if its so then sadness is painful,very very painful.
Maybe sadness kicks it off. Except,I have a hard believing that because I’ve been feeling the depressed boom coming for a few days…and only started feeling sadness strongly yesterday.
My oldest son was here. He is a Chief Petty Officer in the U.S.Navy-he entered the Navy the day after he graduated high school. I am extemely proud of him.
I get sad around him. I cannot help it. I wanted to be what he is and everytime I am around him I remember so many nights when I had fallen as I had the day before and the day before that into my escape from my failure to my family and my country and made myself more a failure as I did my drugs and drank myself to sleep.
My son once opened the refridgerator and pointed at my beer and ordered me to “get the shit out of the house”…I remember that.

I don’t think either of my sons will ever really understand why it was the way it was. What it was like to get up out of bed at 330 in the morning to walk to town to hitch to the city towalk to work and work all day and turn around and do over again just to get back home to shovel down a meal and go too bed to get ready to do it again at 330.
I know our lifestyle had to have had a reflection on their lives as boys in school when they saw other kids with parents who had cars and did’nt have to live the way they did…I see it in my sons compassion for vehicles today.
Its funny how we measure things. I have never been on a submarine-my son has…but the thing that gets me the most is that that he has bought automobiles from a dealership…I would’nt even have a clue what that would be like.
When my oldest son was born I sought a job to try to begin a life with my young family. Then ,to find employment as a veteran, you had to produce your DD214 (a formal copy of your military discharge)…mine had a code,they all have a code,that my interviewers could look up and keep me at a level of unemployment for a long time-and often.
That code and how it explained my conduct in the military has kept a tag on my life that was just as much as a lie as what everybody must have been led to believe…after all,my parents never sat down and talked to me about it. It was blame from the beginning.

Its hard for me to talk about this to my son. I know the millions of times I was so sick with being drunk and drugged I cried and pleaded with my sons to not ever get into the trouble I had gotten into in the Navy…I know my son entered the Navy to try to replace for me what I had lost. Once he told me-I did this for you. I think time has long erased that to some degree. They may not think about this as much as I do.
It gets more so difficult lately as I know he knows about the claim I have against the Navy for the damages done at barracks D. And it is not easy not to talk about it because these last few years of treatment at the VA has made it a prominant part of my conversation…it is so alive these days-I almost cant help to say something. It never died…barracks D. It never ever died….

I watched my son yesterday and listened as he talked about some of the young sailors under his charge-understanding by his words how much of a leader he is and how sorry I am to have never made it.
I feel such guilt-its a hard thing to explain. How come it is at the beginning of every morning that is the first feeling I have? Guilt? What did I do?
I am grateful for both of my sons.All of those miles I walked all those mornings back then were filled with prayer that my sons would not turn out like me…
I feel very strange when I am around my sailor son and I see so much and many things come into my memories view and that grief hits me because that is what I wanted to be.

To be really honest here…my emotions these past days and now weeks-are so twisted up in a knot that I am surprised I am able to function. I stand on the edge of ‘damage control’ and am fighting to keep it from over coming me…and now the anchor of depression is working on me too. It will be six weeks come Tuesday that has gone by since I last had therapy with Charlotte and quite frankly I feel as if a death has occured in my life and its not helping me keep above it all. I feel such defeat and doubt….its uncanny how a person (persons…because there are others) can be given such regularity to guidence towards healing and then have it all taken away in an instant…no explainations. I don’t know.

Its just all a part of it.
“Oh…that was 37 years ago…Jay,why can’t you just drop it ?”

One Response to “the door to barracks D”

  1. OKIE MIKE Says:

    IT WAS 32 YEARS AGO AND IT IS A PART OF WHO i HAVE BECOME

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