bringing things up to speed

race day

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

There are so many things to say yet it is not easy to put all of the things into words-sometimes because there are other directions for the conversation to go…and yet there is just so much of it that the road becomes hard to travel because it is hard to put it down in words.
I began writing this out of anger at the system-especially where our veterans are concerned,but theres just so much that has to be said.
I realize there are things I’ve mentioned that are unfinished in the fact that these are on going circumstance…such as my brother and sisters graves in Pennsylvania and what my family has decided to do? I wrote them back in June that if they moved the graves I wanted no more to do with them…the idea is so sick. Theres never been a response-except they have called and chitted and chatted and never once said “you know-we changed our minds”! Of course-did I ever expect to earn any respect from them? No,I sort figured it was going to be this way….why should anything change?
The VA had given me an MRI several months ago-heck,its been so long now its hard to recall what date…I have these headaches,mostly in my left eye…but always! and there is complications along the headaches. Well-the Veterans Hospital and thier bedside manner (huh??) mailed me a letter and stated the MRI had determined I had an anyuerism in my brain (a small blood bubble like a 22 caliber bullet which are known to burst unexpectedly-you bleed to death in your brain cavity…) so for the two months I sat around and thought about it things went through my head about death and my peace of mind about it and wonder of when-where I’d be…not to mention the friends I told,they too thought about it-some with worry. The two month wait for the consult with the brain surgeon ended with him telling me (in a manner that made it sound like I entered the VA after hours and snuck into the MRI to do one on my own…) there is no headaches and there is no pain and there is no anyuerism…and he pretty much made me feel like dirt because I was wasteing the VA’s time.
So-who’s to know?
I still have a headache….like the guy said in barracks D-get used to it!

I suppose its just those two things that have been hanging there with out a conclusion as whats going on….my guess is really as good as yours-my family (my family???) must not think any of this means anything to me-I guess I don’t count…but dammit-it makes me sick that I fall right into their phone calls and my mothers mockery in her way of talking to me…she’s always wanting to tell me some nasty joke about sex (all along knowing I hate them-the nasty jokes from the mouth of my mother) and everytime she says she has a joke she gets that giggle that says I know that you hate them but I’m telling you anyway.
To be really honest here-my body is getting sick from the wonder…?? wheres Charlotte-my therapist?
Thats some more of the VA bedside manner…treat a patient with my insecurities for about three years and then drop him with out notice. Its been six weeks now. How about trust? That broke it down-instead I feel doubt again….I’m ready to mail in my VA card for the (must be) hundreth time and say ‘please leave me be’….they get me to trust them everytime someone calls and says it’ll be better. It ain’t-as a matter of fact…I’m scared to death about the whole thing-no therapy-why’d they give it to me to stop it just like that?
Then theres that guy…a senator-Larry Craig!
Dang Dong…if you ever wanted to trust? Now what a deterant he has made. I had one time thought we could trust the folks in DC…at least some of them-and thought one day I might be able to reach them to change the manner in the way sexually assaulted military veterans are treated…and this guy solicits sex in a mens room? Well…there you go-theres so much to trust,but not much there. I kind of feel like giving up.To think-I almost considered registering to vote…please shoot me!
So what…? What the hell…as its been said to me-it’s your parents money,and thier childrens graves-they can do what they want….what a crock of crap. What a waste of money in a world of hungry homeless kids-alive,but with grinding tummies and no where to keep warm….and my parents want to spill nearly 10k into the ground (they bought a tombstone for 6k-the grave destruction is over 4k). I had once thought they had good sense….thats a myth. Yeah…so what? It is their money-but damned if the whole idea is like watching Carl go under the car over again-the man at the cemetery said as much-refered to my brother as ‘it’…what ever of ‘it’ is left they will move(thats what he said). My brother-it appears-was buried direct in the ground with out a concrete vault-his casket is rusted and most likely gone….but he is not an ‘it’! He and my sister are a strong part of who I am…and I’m sickend by my parents desire to upset these graves.
And the senator…I have great wonder in how a man would plead guilty to think the whole thing would go away…? Where does that logic come from? If I had someone insist I tried to solicit them in a mens restroom they would have to carry me kicking and screaming to the judge….yeah right,I’m going to confess to that kind of activity just to make it go away?? What other decisions has this man made with that kind of logic?
Yes…trust. Hmmm-what a concept.

So-to bring you up to speed….who the heck knows?

One Response to “bringing things up to speed”

  1. Megan Says:

    Since I haven’t really had a chance to go to the cemetery, partly because of a busy schedule and maybe a little bit out of fear, I don’t know about the grave sites. Has anything happened that you are aware of? I really just don’t want to know. I have said before I have mixed feelings about the whole situation. Things have been happening lately that you wouldn’t even believe. I have had communication with Somer Ann quite a bit since this all came about. But who will really believe that aside from my immediate family? I can explain it to you further if you would like but I don’t want to throw you off immediately. I hope all is well.

    Love ya!

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