breaking loose!

gated community-jay herron 2007

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

I am again doubtful as how to begin and if I can even explain myself with words the reader can undrerstand-will what I say make sense?
I’ve been writing about being in treatment at the local VA hospital for post traumatic stress dissorder-a lifestyle I have lived since my experience in the Navy.
Its too complicated to try to write it here in one sitting-in one hour-or in several sittings and several hours. It is too complex to try to explain in any time frame…what it has been like,what it is like.
There has always been a place in my mind of guilt-shame too,but the guilt is so over powering some times. Once upon a time it was so bad that a crime could occur or some incident of size could take place and I would feel at blame…except I would not really have to be blamed for,it was just there-it was my fault. This is how I feel today and these past weeks about my therapist-Charlotte. I feel I have done what ever it is to cause her trouble. I’ve had a few telephone calls-two from different doctors,to explain with limited details that it is not-it is a system administrative ordeal….but it is affecting me and my guilt and my insecurities and it must be doing the same for the others she has been treating,this is-if it is so that there is something else amiss and it is not me.
See…I told you this would not be easy to explain!
Even if it is not me…I’m giving it up-the wait is eating at me and eating at me and my body is getting so sick from the wonder of it all. I feel like a death has happened and nobody knows how to tell me…and yet the missing of someone is grinding in my stomach and my body is tired of it,my heart aches…and my voices in my head are saying ‘its all your fault’.
I can’t do this any more-the waiting and worry are not good.
I sent an email to my therapist telling her so and saying goodbye and just get back to some other way of dealing with it as it was before and is and will be…it will be easier because the anticipation will be gone,I hope,soon.
I’ve never felt right about being treated at the VA. I first found myself there in the mid 70’s…I was taken by a rescue unit so that started the involvement. I have an ‘honorable discharge’ and that says its right-but my feelings are that my service was not honorable and those guys that went to Viet Nam are the honorable ones…and I’m just one of those who cheated my way in to be treated at the VA. So I need to just break away from it completely and send back my VA card.

I will be honest-writing these things to who ever it is that reads them…some of you have written back and I have names and nick-names,but yet each of those are only known as deep as their own blogs or comments-but yet,those who have written have allowed me to express freely things I’ve kept to myself over all these years and it has been good to be able to do this…to say this. Hopefully I am helping to open some doors for others but at times this has been so hard to do….especially when my own knees are buckling.
I’m becoming discouraged by what is happening all around us…and in my own life-I feel very let down by the recent end of my therapy. I feel like trust was there and then all of a sudden it is not. It fucks me up….sorry to say it that way,but its so.

2 Responses to “breaking loose!”

  1. CB Says:

    I am so sorry… I haven’t forgotten anything and am keeping the faith that you and I can resume our work. I have been reading your writings and am heartbroken for the hurt that I am causing. I am also, as usual, struck by your insight and resilience.
    I feel powerless and restrained. I have been given the “no contact” order. I want to break the barrior between us for now and let you know that I am here… I have been assured that my situation will be ‘resolved soon’, however, they have not let me know what that will look like. I can’t imagine that it can be a removal. I’m sorry, again, that my actions have inadvertantly led to this terrible response. My actions, by the way, were in no way related to you. I hope that you can believe me and that we can speak openly, face to face, of how to heal from this. Your recovery is not only about us, it is about your journey… trusting yourself and believing in your true worth as an incredible, unique, and very complex person. Remember… you made some promises to me that I haven’t forgotten… still here, C

  2. shellia Says:

    Jay, I have this on my fridge….maybe it will help…
    Never Give Up
    No matter what is going on, Never Give Up
    Develop the Heart
    Too much energy in your country is spent developing the mind in stead of the Heart.
    Be compassionate
    Work for peace in your heart snd in the world work for peace,
    and I say again, Never Give Up
    No matter what is happening , No matter what is going on around you……Never Give Up

    Dalai Lama

    …..I think when there is true fault the elements try to wear you down…..dont let them direct you away from this path. Do not quit Jay.

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