the dream that keeps coming back!

gated community-jay herron 2007

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

I woke this morning at about 0330 from a dream-one that returns from time to time….I was in a prison. These dreams are immense-details are so vivid and the size of the prisons in the dream are incredible. I believe the dreams are trails from barracks D….after all,thats where they said they were going to send me-and barracks D was not any more pleasant! I think ever having to go to prison is the biggest fear I might ever have.
In this dream I appearently was trying to find where I was supposed to be-I was walking through all of these areas and passing all kinds of shops…simular to walking through the USS Vulcan-welding shops,the foundry and various metal shops-and as you would imagine-the place was dark and gloom hovered over head…the sky pitch dark and damp. It was not a pleasant dream.
In the dream…as I passed other convicts-I realized they were employees of the Gainesville VA hospital. I recognized each face each time someone made eye contact….I found myself wondering about that even as I was asleep and it was just a dream.

As I have been writing in the past weeks about the recent-well,its longer than recent now…the seperation the veterans hospital has placed in front of me-the seperation from my therapy and the silence from Charlotte-my therapist,well…my emotions and stress level have driven me into a very tight corner and much of that has been paramount in my mind.
Just this week I recieved notice from the Veterans Affairs office that my hearing date has been set…it is less than a month-it has taken over 37 years for such a date to be made.
In my mind last night as I tried to fall asleep-and I couldnt figure out why I tossed and turned because I was exhausted…but sleep came hard for me because all I could think about was how on earth I’m going to get to St.Petersburg Florida for the hearing…my vehicles are in disrepair,and only good for local runs-not a trip 150 miles south. I kept worry in my mind about missing the time-being late…all those fears one gets when things are on the line. I suppose thats what triggered the dream….along with the fear that the judge I will be seeing will insist I have been telling one huge lie and I will be sent to prison for this.
That is what I think.
So last night I thought all of those things and they put me into sleep and there came the dream.
These prisons I dream about are huge communities-well,a prison is is’nt it? One large community-just a bit more confined (no pun intended) but in these prisons there are activities which compare to society out side-once I dreamt I was in a prison that was a giant flea market-crammed into the walls of the prison-each vendor (a convict) had a cot and his area was set up like a tight living quarters and he held his wares with great protection-as if he slept with one eye open and kept that eye on everything and everyone…trying to protect the items he had for sale.
Crazy? Yes it sounds right crazy…
Yet-these dreams come back over and over. The clothes and the shoes and the feeling one gets when the space they have is limited to one wall there and the other over there-and the people,yes…they are not people friendships are made with…they are evil people and your entire being is spent trying to survive and protect yourself.
And these prisons are not filled with a limited population-they are cramped and movement is restricted by the amount of men that have been packed away in there…
I am afraid.
I never in my life ever thought that November the 7th 2007 would ever be any different then any other day in any other time. But now it is my date-the date to tell what happened.
I am afraid.
One wants to trust-I’ve already told you that trust is not something that comes easy…it comes hard,sometimes it does not come at all. The recent events-the arrest of the senator from Idaho (arrested for sexual advances in a mens room) has caused great concern-personal concern. I was initialy raped in the restroom area of barracks D. The smell of a restroom brings back that deja vu feeling-the memory is so strong. Also-the senators arrest has caused me to realize trust is so faulty. And…the arrest of the federal prosecutor from Florida-his sexual deviancy has ended up taking his life,he commited suicide…but he also took the trust I have in the system and damaged it greatly….so,my fears are so wildly out of control by thinking about these men-men who we are supposed to look up to with honor and respect and see the very law on its feet…no,they destroyed that,at least for me.
This hearing coming up ismy final chance-I guess,to tell the story I have been telling here for this past year…and living with for 37 years.

Just so you can understand-I have filed a claim against the United States Navy for what happened in barracks D. A claim which is supposed to offer compensation for the damage done to my life as result of my time in barracks D.
Just so you can understand…a claim and compensation will never erase what happened-it will not replace what was taken from me then and all these years afterwards….I have previously explained that being a murder victim is more gentle in the end then being a survivor of rape and sexual assaults-over and over…because you have to live and remember day after day…over and over!
Do not think that if I win the claim that I’ve filed all will be better…money will not bring back the life I would have had and all I’ve lost and all thats been ruined by the events in barracks D. It will feel some what better to be given validation from the very source that laughed at me back then new years eve 1970…the chuckle the Navy ‘intelligence’ officer offered as a response to my reply when he asked “what happened to you?”
It is 37 years over due….