November 7,2007

very fine vulcan

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

In 17 days it will be November 7.
To many the date has no significance-some perhaps celebrate a birth day that day ,that I am certain, and there is most likely some of who have a particular anniversary on the 7th….but otherwise,it has no real prominence-just another Wednesday,hump day…the middle of the week. To me it is a date that I never in my wildest dreams had ever thought would mean so much to me.
I have a judicial hearing on the 7th. I am going to sit in front of a military representative-I am told it will be an officer from one of the services-most likely,in my case-it will be someone from the United States Navy….after all-I’ve been yelling out about them at full force in these writings.
I have no faith in November 7th. There is no reason to any faith in a system that let my and others lives sift through the fingers of right and justice-at this point its a matter of going through that which I have started.
I would’nt have started this at all except I was led to believe. Belief has all gone…it has left me standing here by myself in awe of how fast it has been tromped on. I should have known better-to trust-to have faith in others-to rely on the slaps on the back and the words of encouragement and support…that seem so false now. I’m almost sure that November 7 will be a new day of humiliation and defeat.
I should have never said a word and left it hidden inside of me for the rest of my life….no one was interested when it happened-get used to it is what they said. I should have taken that advice to the end.
Say,I could be wrong…it may be someone wants to say they are sorry-that I was wronged. I doubt it. One can hope…but to me hope is just for certain things.
My brother emailed me the other day and said our father is getting weak-he feels my dad is soon to lose his life from cancer. I never could see calling it a battle-we all know we have to die…so his life is soon to end. With that event-another chunk of hope will be gone.
A hearing-if its seen in my way,that I am believed and the sorry does come as an apology…it is most likely there will be some kind of monetary award-perhaps monthly checks…money. Really? How will it make it better? How can it replace all of the years my father has regarded me as a failure-for his interpretation of what happened during the New Years weekend of 1969-70 was failure-I failed. There was no room or desire to sit down and listen to my side of what took place…never was there any want to know that the things that happened did indeed happen. It was’nt over that night,or the weeks that followed-or to this day…
So how can money make it any better?

The day that Rose was arrested by the FBI (Rose was the ‘Americas Most Wanted’ criminal my path had crossed with) not one of the people known to me as a friend came out to my house and said-
“are you alright…”
That night I stood out in my back yard trying my hardest to get drunk enough to forget the day even happened…drunkeness did not come-two cases of beers and not even a humm. I never felt so alone in all of my life except from the night in barracks D…it had to be a renewal of the charge that I was to have to accept through out my life…to get used to it. How ironic-to be treated like I was in barracks D and to find myself in the position to have to turn another human person into a convict whose life will alway be in a prison.
I stood out in my back yard that night and knew one thing for certain-the only one that I can trust is God.

I am not making much sense…this I know. My mind is going a hundred miles an hour,perhaps faster-there is no clock. Two people-absolute strangers to me-have volunteered to travel together with me to this hearing. They have told me that I need someone there for support. Yes,I need someone there. I am incredibly in awe of the offer…it is out of my realm of understanding how some one that I barely even know has offered to take time off from work-for them and I it will a two day journey with motels and dinners and breakfasts and gasoline…in my mind is-how much is this going to cost them? And yet-they have solidly offered to take this time for me. I have never even met one of them. I feel the urge to weep each time I think it.
My concerns are more for their welfare and safety then for my own circumstance-this is 37 years overdue…the misery that has trailed along because of it,and I am worried for the welfare of some one else.
17 days. Its one of those clocks that starts ticking and seems to go very slow but before you know it it will be here. My body is tense and my nerves are frazzled and I am so afraid I will miss an important point-worse,I am afraid of being accused of being a liar.
Only God and I know….this happened.
The one thing that has been shown to me by the offer for personal support from two strangers is that someone does believe me and is willing to take that time to prove it. That is worth more than any money could ever be…win or lose,to have two people contact me and say…you need support-and we are coming with you. That can only come from Heaven above-the home of God,the heart of God.
I wish it was my father,or my brother…or someone who claims friendship. How fitting that it should be strangers.