what can one say?

my kind of design

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

My mind seems clamped from the ability to understand which way I am supposed to feel or what it is I really should do. I was able to meet with my therapist from the VA on Tuesday and she told me what has happened.

I actually am twisted into a place of unbelief-no,not unbelief at what she told me-unbelief as to what is she’d done and the ending punishment is we…her vet’s-are never be seen by her again. I can not tell you the number of us that are affected,just that there is a number.
There is a way to fully understand what it is she did…a mistake,yes and no-well,for all of us a mistake…but what it is was from a heart of a person that saw us-each of us-as persons who are damaged in a way certain things become greatly confused by our minds. She tried to help one of us bail out of a problem that had seemed to really escalate. My head knows the problem – the effect,so lets leave at she was doing what any of us would have done and would have been so grateful for her doing it for us.
A stupid thought in good judgement or bad judgement with a good thought….who can really say.

I’m unable to register the things the way they all line up. At the meetings I have had with her-I met the first person that ever believed me. It took a long time to realize it and a long time to get there-but it is so we were there.

I dont know how to accept what has happened has happened. It can be sure that even with my level of education it is not hard to see there is no way the people in charge of my therapist-those who call themselves ‘mental health professionals’ have any understanding of what these ‘punishments’ they have passed down have done to the people who have worked so hard to understand themselves and to trust someone.

It boggled my mind and made me unsure of how to react as well sat on a picnic bench and she told me this-we sat outside as I refused to enter the building. In her kindness she had brought me a coffee and a roll and the roll was in a napkin-it was awkward to hand her the napkin to wipe her tears. I know she was genuinely hurting-it switched our places for the only time in our meeting each other over the last three years.

I do not need to go into many deep details about this-to be private and to protect this woman. I wanted to keep my mouth shut-yet it makes me sick to find the way we were thought of in the minds of her superiors.

So how many can it be-10-20? How many of us have been wrongly done as this? How can an institution have such disdain for the medical care and mental health of their patients?The day I was told my appointments were canceled-and they would be in touch…the man that told me told me in a way as if he was tellling me the television had burnt out-with a whimsicle shrug and a roll of his eyes…my last contact with him,but thats the way the VA told me there was the end of three years. Two weekls go by and nothing. Four weeks-and I go in-but the doors were shut. I made some phone calls-a challenge for me,my phobic feelings about the telephone. I made the calls in the early wee parts of the day-3 a/m. because I was so emotional about what was going on…I telephoned.

The explainations were-vague,empty-just…I dunno’s.

Well there you have it-the mystery is solved. The missing therapist has been found. She is being transfered to another place-only one last good bye allotted to each of us…end of story. Never to be seen again…forbidden,that was the word used-forbidden.

What can one say?