48 hours…

shiprock new mexico

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

The view in the photograph is a natural monument known as ‘shiprock’. The native Americans believed this formation of solid rock was sent by the spirits to save the nation in which they lived-basically explained-when the nation was in jeopardy of being attacked the spirit led all the people to this point and the earth lifted them up out of reach of danger and away from their enemies-and upwards to safety.
The Navajo named this Tse Bi dahi translates-the ‘rock with wings’-but the settlers that purged west saw this in the distance and thought they had reached the Pacific Ocean and that this was a ship at sea…and so it seems the white settlers name made better sense than the original peoples name for this sacred place.
The legend of this place sends thrills down my spine.

In 48 hours I am going to be standing in front of a judge (of some sorts) to hear my claim that I was assaulted in the United States Navy detention barracks D.
In all honesty-I have no confidence in the hearing that is to take place.I have been given a season of evidence that confidence is shakey at best…who can we trust?
I was building trust with Charlotte at the VA hospital in my area…Charlotte was my therapist for post traumatic stress disorder,she specialized in military sexual trauma (PTSD and MST) and over a period of nearly three years she earned my trust,but it took time.
In my writings one may be aware-the therapy abruptly ended in August…no word,no warning,not even a slightly offered explaination. At least-one a person could believe.
If it was’nt for Charlotte-we wouldnt be writing and going through all the explainations of what had happened to me….she instilled a confidence that made me bold enough to confront this-to give me the knowledge that I could appeal for the sake of my discharge from the Navy-one that I have always been ashamed of. I certainly would have never come to a place where I was going to hold the Navy accountable for what happened.
But,in 48 hours I have that opportunity.
I have had contact-final contact-with Charlotte,her last day conversation that explained the hazard that caused the seperation-certainly not anything that makes us veterans of MST a party of guilt to her actions…which were to help one of us get out of a place of confinement,her only concern was for the veterans welfare. It blew up on her-and us…we are all victims.

For the three years I was seeing Charlotte-she became my ‘rock with wings’…a harbor of safety. I grew to trust her and looked forward to each Tuesday almost religously-never had anyone offered understanding and desire to listen,and help…never before her.

When we had our last conversation she wept. So I know it is not her personally that has abused my trust. She did what is easy to understand-she offered compasion to a veteran who suffers from this horrid malady known as PTSD. This showing of compasion does not fit the Veterans Administrations definitions of healing…they told her she spends too much time with each of us,which shows me they had more on thier plate of anger towards her than just that one incident,they wanted to get rid of us anyway….I think they want to get rid of her-she was actually doing something for us,not what the VA typically does.
Never the less…the three months silence took every good Charlotte did for me (and the others) and destroyed it. The trust? It is gone…never do I think ever can there be another who is trust worthy-I told her things no one knows…things I thought held no interest to anyone else,except me.
Now I am going to stand in front of a judge. They tell me this is not a judge…but then,I know it is-for a fact.
A month or so ago a federal prosecutor added to the tainted activity of Senator Larry Craigs own disgusting activity…seeking sexual contact with another in a airport mens room;the federal prosecuter flew from Florida under the impression he was going to meet the mother of a five year old girl-so he could have sex with the child. The sick chap couldnt even face his own filthy guilt…he hung himself in his jail cell.
I look at this and see these men as men who are supposed to show us confidence in higher officials-men who atre supposed to give us the resemblence of trust and leadership and of moral judgement. You can appreciate why my confidence is so below the surface of trust…my feelings about 48 hours from now are of fear. I feel that the formality of a hearing is just going to add to the lack of of trust. I will be looking at this ‘judge’ and in my mind will be a senator rubbing his hand along a mens room stall trying to attract the attention of a simular worm as he…I will be seeing the federal prosectutor who sat on a bench which stands for morals-truth-trust…and I will be thinking of these incidents which seem almost fitting for the time frame. I lost Charlotte-someone I believed in…and in that same time frame I read the disgusting reports of these two men. Say..the one who still lives (Larry Craig) is continueing to rub it in the faces of all Americans,he refuses to quit-or to even go to the hardware store and buy enough rope to join the sick deviant federal prosecutor.

Shiprock…Tse Bi dahi,the rock with wings. I believe in this…I believe that once upon a time there was a society-a Nation…of peoples who were’nt as infiltrated with the conditions we have today-although eventually this Nation came to realize the future held misery because the very men who came and said ‘trust us’ stole and murdered and ravaged this Nation of people…
I am not wanting to suggest my past is one to compare with that of the original people who held this land sacred. I am trying to say it is almost impossible to trust…
So,in 48 hours I urge the spirits to fly me high on a rock with wings-lift me up above and away from those who are not on my side-lift me up towards the heaven where trust and truth is always known-and just.