the way things go…

shined wheels

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

Yesterday was one month since my hearing. It has been five months since I last had therapy-I still feel the effects of both and still feel the effects of the reason why there was therapy and a hearing.

My feelings about all of this still make me feel the numbness of how the cycle of things are and the way things go.
I did live my life with out all this being.
Once,and it was a long time ago-I can hardly even imagine it although I have vivid moments of memories,they are pieces.

Things just seem to happen sometimes in a way that it speaks to you in a spiritual sense-you don’t exactly know the everythings or the whys…but you know things happen for a reason of some kind of lesson-or encouragement and strength.
Ten years ago I had a hearing about my Social Security-I had no idea of these things but I knew at the time I needed the help getting it. To make a long story short-the attorney I chose to see me through this was from Washington DC. I chose him because he had a very odd name.
We never met until the day of the hearing and the day before we were to meet my body was in such stress because to meet somebody strange out of the blue is not an easy thing for me-and a person in authority makes it a lot more stressfull.
I took a long walk the day before and I was thinking about the connection this attorney and I had-he being from Washington and my being from there once upon a time….and I was remembering about how it was back in the 1950’s our grandmother used to give us a handfull of dimes and bus tokens (little coins from the city transit system) and my cousins and I were free to roam the city museums. She’d give us the dimes to get us out of her way for the day-back in the 1950’s it was safe to do so….send a bunch of kids downtown DC alone.
So I’m thinking about this as I walked-and where I live is so rural and away from everything and my place sets up against a Florida State Forest…I was walking through the forest along an old logging road thinking about my grandmother and those dimes in connection with the attorney with the strange name from Washington DC.
And there on the ground far from any place and any one was this dime-shined enough it caught my eye,and I picked it up and knew that it had a meaning and was a sign.

Last week my son invited me to ride to Georgia to see my parents-my father who is sick in bed from cancer.
I confess I have been having a desperate time with his being ill…its been over two years now.
When the things that happened to lead me into barracks D-all my father saw was barracks D…not any further than that.
There are things that my father will never know on this side of eternity as to what my heart feels;
grateful , I believe one way he will know-one day.
My father and I have had a strained relationship for all of these years-it seemed so odd sitting in that moving vehicle and thinking of the man who seemed so forever…looking so badly.

On the trip out of Gainesville we stopped to pick up a package at a local drug store-my son and his wife had taken a VCR cassett which was full of our family home movies from the time I was a baby until around my 14th year and had them transfered to DVD. My baby brothers-my older siblings Frank and Jo Eileen…my great grand parents and grand parents.
My father took so much footage of home movies which is priceless now that I look back at it and at them. There is eight hours of film…now on DVD ,thanks to my kids.

So we returned home from Georgia and my kids drop me off and I come in here with this set of discs (so much footage it took up two…) and I began to watch the old family films.
My father did love me.
I can see it as he holds me as a baby-I am lucky enough to be able to see….thanks to these films.
It seems so strange to look that far back-way back before we were damaged and see myself so innocent and interesting to see myself before I knew of all the tragic things which will effect our lives…before there was ever a thought of drugs or alcohol-before I ever knew people could be as evil as those who attacked me in barracks D.

It is sort of in a way like finding that dime to be able to see these old movies and to see my father being alive and happy and young and holding me his brand new son….and wanting me. I could see love in the faces of everyone-my father included. How strange for it to come to me from these films.

I don’t really know what I’m going on about here…it’s just thats it is all so surreal.
Here at my lifes back door…things look so crazy to me. My life and its secret goes all these years,my own personal agony,mine alone…and then it comes to light once again-therapy begins,interest in what had happened…then other things which developed from that.
It just all seems so surreal….and soon my father will be gone-and all I have is the movies to see his love.
Sorry-it is one of those days where my mind is muddled.

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