it seems so strange…

drawing by-jay herron

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

I drove away from my parents home yesterday almost powerless to be able to say good bye to my mother because grief was taking over me and my voice was crowded with the ready burst of tears. So I rubbed her back and mumbled something and took for the refuge of the car. I drove out to the highway with my face flooded with all that I had fought earlier to keep inside.
My son and his wife-and my three year old grandson-had driven away in front of me. They turned north and I turned south. We spoke later and admitted it was a strange weekend.

I don’t know where to pick up a place to write. I believe what was so strange was that my father had died and in my heart as I drove to there-in Georgia-all my thoughts were about ‘now it is over and never will I be able to clear it up what really happened’….meaning-what really happened to cause my discharge from the Navy. And then-my son who is Navy-took us on a drive Christmas eve afternoon…me and mother and his family all ended up eating lunch in view of several Navy frigates at the McDonalds on base at Mayport Navy Station. None of them knew what was going through my mind at that time….we were together on an unplanned Christmas together. Please allow me to call it ‘crixmix’ from here on out….it is a remarkable date for me,but not a holiday by any means.
My rapes happened on the advent of the up comng new year-and surrounded by the timing of the holiday…well,the whole celebration thing just went away and I never enjoyed the gifting and glitter of it since. The memories….get used to it-thats what I was told.
I wanted to be in the Navy-which adds to all the rest of it…and here we were as if some strange spirit was pulling us through this time and timing….my father gone-just two days,and not even a funeral. It was all too perplexing for both my son and his wife and me,and because I’m with holding my own private grief the scene of the ships out the window of the lobby of the Micky D’s was just too strange.

We had earlier this day-crixmix day…had gone to my brothers home for the gift time. I don’t do gifts-I don’t care for any of the crixmix production…it truely disturbs me. Yet here we were. And it came time to go and I drove my mother to her house.
As we pulled around the corner in the sub-division where they live…a land of house next to another and on and on with the ever other house looking like every other house and a sporadic tree dotting the landscape…this huge hawk flew up to the peak of one of the houses. So out of place for where we were-this hawk.
It was a messenger to me…peace and calm man-thats what it was about,that hawk.
It was last year on new years eve the hawk flew in my front door of my house. It had ended its flight at the huge window opposite the door-it just sat there with its wings spread wide…it allowed me to pick it up and release it. I was in awe of God to send me such a message of strength…the hawk on new years eve,my rapes at that time years before-the significance of the birds presence was important.
And there was this hawk in suburb setting at that moment and that particular day and that exact timing…the hawk.

10 Responses to “it seems so strange…”

  1. Austin Says:

    How amazing the hawk to show up like that.
    I have to agree about the week end, strange indeed.
    this is what you meant when you said you liked my painting Beckoning.

    Austin (wishing you peace of mind)

  2. Austin Says:

    I’d like to suggest something. My therapist has me re-write my dreams so that I come off the victor and not the victim. I re-write the ending to many of my dreams so that I’m able to have a measure of control and peace with my subconscious. I was wondering if something along these lines would work with you. Perhaps you could write out how you would present a letter to your father that sets the record straight. Write out how you’d present it, how he’d react, how you’d react. Write the ending the way you want it. No, it won’t bring him back or bring you two face to face, but it may bring just a bit of comfort to you if not a tiny bit of closure. You might think about doing that when you are able.


  3. jayherron Says:

    Austin-The letter idea has been going through my head ever since I read your suggestion-I intend to work on that.
    My dreams? hmmm-those are difficult-many seem to be in prisons-I fear that…it is more my art where I can purge these thoughts.
    I am always very thankful for your comments and those of others because it says these things I write have meaning!
    Thank you Austin-and all of you who read.

  4. Carol Says:

    Hello Jay – I’ve been reading your blogs for awhile now and need to point out an interesting fact – many times in your postings you make a point of how much to love God and his son – and yet, you give your own twist to the day set aside to commemorate the son’s birth because of what the holiday means to you. It’s not about YOU! Fact: Holiday is a condensed version of Holy Day. Fact: Christmas (not Crixmix) literally means Mass for Christ. Fact: Xmas is not “taking Christ out of Christmas”. It means that his birth was celebrated in the 10th month. Think about that the next time you blaspheme about Crixmix.

  5. jayherron Says:

    glad for your response-you must know in my heart I celebrate Christmas every day…the crixmix is in the line of the hustle of parking and wrapping and santa and the lie each parent gives in thier childs beginning which in future makes it hard for the child to see things that are only told of-Christ,for example…and the fantasy around the santa and being good and recieving gifts around Christs celebration..well,it is so good the Lord knows MY heart in this and certainly I am free of guilt for blaspheme…which is ,of course,denial of the Holy Spirit-no Carol…the interesting thing is-the Muslim community raised up and showed anger at a cartoon the Danish people had in a newspaper…and each year the mockery of Christ goes over and over with snow men and jingle bells and returned unwanted gifts….and no one raises a flag about any of it except when the credit card statement comes….Christ? hmmm,what ammount of money goes into a crixmix tree and could feed a homeless child and how much money goes to waste in all the gift wrapping…and a poor person-perhaps even a native American (go to Shiprock NM someday…) could have a decent place to live for all the garbage we produce over the crixmix celebration…you miss understand me-yeah the holidays are also bent because they ring a bell to remind me-but you’ve never heard me blame God or Christ for any of that because the crixmix celebration is not a Scriptural event.
    We should be ashamed to mock the Lord with the way we do…santa? satan!
    Christmas-every day in my heart is Christmas….crixmix begins on black Friday (well…around here they had crixmix deco next to halloween deco) Christmas is always…and best of all-it is a GIFT….with advanced credits,no bills to come. That,Carol,is ROCK solid. oh….a Holy day? Every day is a Holy Day! Proverbs 25.25 and with out a doubt-a CHRISTMAS message from CHRIST HIMSELF….Luke 4.18 …and my last choice Colossians 2.8 (all KJV)

  6. Carol Says:

    Anagram it anyway you like – Santa is Spanish for Saint.

  7. jayherron Says:

    ….yes Carol.that is so!
    I really am trying to steer away from Bibilical chat-my site here and the reason is to draw attention to a very overlooked situation in our society-a sinful society,if you wish…I can comment on scripture easily,often and well.
    But…this is not a religion discussion-it is about awareness of this sad state of affairs where men who have been assaulted are in need of help. Yes,I draw on my faith at times and express my feelings of my relationship with God at times when I write. I am sorry if my expression about Christ and santa bother you…but if we believethe Bible where God says ‘for ALL have sinned and come short of the Glory of God’…well,also it says-‘there none righteous-no,not one’ and in Hebrews it says there is no mediator between man and God,except Christ….when Peter and Jesus walked together on the water the number and the statement were significant-one on one with Christ,and Peter was an excellent choice!
    I dont know what the answer really is…but I know that crixmix is a tradition of men,not of the Lords!
    I dont want to offend you or any one because of my feelings of my relationship with God-I know that is real….santa is a fantasy and it don’t matter how many times you can say he’s a saint…he still is pretend-a lie told to little children,a lie equivalant to the ‘bunny’ if Easter…we continue to lie to children about this surrounded with things of God mingled. in…and how can we teach little ones truth out of a mass of lies?
    When you tell a little kid about this jolly saint nick who if you behave he will bring you gifts…this year,next year-the year after…soon the reality comes together…there aint no jolly saint nick. At the same time are you teaching theres a man-a good man…and if you are good you get good in return. After the first lie-this one harder to believe I would think.
    How can one do that to a little one?
    So…if Gods Word is truth…then all saints began as sinners,so…??ho ho

  8. Carol Says:

    Matthew 7 v 1 & 2
    Romans 2 v 1

  9. Carol Says:

    I fully understand why you want to keep your blog to your main issue. May I just say a couple more things before we drop the above discussion. It’s pretty harmless telling kids there’s a Santa Claus (and there was a real St. Nick who is the patron saint of children), Easter bunny, tooth fairy. I don’t think psychiatrists are being overrun with adults traumatized by finding out it was their parents putting toys under the tree. As for Santa Claus being a man made invention, so is electricity, vehicles, and computers, but not many people shun them because of that. I’d much rather have children believe in some fantasy rather than the “truth” spouted by the Jimmy Swaggarts, Jim Bakers, Ted Haggarts, and the hundreds of priests that have set themselves up as mediators between God and man.

  10. jayherron Says:

    I agree with the Swaggart thing…and the Haggart-yup…and the great Senator from Idaho.
    We all have personal ideas…and ways of looking at them.
    Thanks Carol…ho ho ho.

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