it seems so strange…

drawing by-jay herron

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

I drove away from my parents home yesterday almost powerless to be able to say good bye to my mother because grief was taking over me and my voice was crowded with the ready burst of tears. So I rubbed her back and mumbled something and took for the refuge of the car. I drove out to the highway with my face flooded with all that I had fought earlier to keep inside.
My son and his wife-and my three year old grandson-had driven away in front of me. They turned north and I turned south. We spoke later and admitted it was a strange weekend.

I don’t know where to pick up a place to write. I believe what was so strange was that my father had died and in my heart as I drove to there-in Georgia-all my thoughts were about ‘now it is over and never will I be able to clear it up what really happened’….meaning-what really happened to cause my discharge from the Navy. And then-my son who is Navy-took us on a drive Christmas eve afternoon…me and mother and his family all ended up eating lunch in view of several Navy frigates at the McDonalds on base at Mayport Navy Station. None of them knew what was going through my mind at that time….we were together on an unplanned Christmas together. Please allow me to call it ‘crixmix’ from here on out….it is a remarkable date for me,but not a holiday by any means.
My rapes happened on the advent of the up comng new year-and surrounded by the timing of the holiday…well,the whole celebration thing just went away and I never enjoyed the gifting and glitter of it since. The memories….get used to it-thats what I was told.
I wanted to be in the Navy-which adds to all the rest of it…and here we were as if some strange spirit was pulling us through this time and timing….my father gone-just two days,and not even a funeral. It was all too perplexing for both my son and his wife and me,and because I’m with holding my own private grief the scene of the ships out the window of the lobby of the Micky D’s was just too strange.

We had earlier this day-crixmix day…had gone to my brothers home for the gift time. I don’t do gifts-I don’t care for any of the crixmix production…it truely disturbs me. Yet here we were. And it came time to go and I drove my mother to her house.
As we pulled around the corner in the sub-division where they live…a land of house next to another and on and on with the ever other house looking like every other house and a sporadic tree dotting the landscape…this huge hawk flew up to the peak of one of the houses. So out of place for where we were-this hawk.
It was a messenger to me…peace and calm man-thats what it was about,that hawk.
It was last year on new years eve the hawk flew in my front door of my house. It had ended its flight at the huge window opposite the door-it just sat there with its wings spread wide…it allowed me to pick it up and release it. I was in awe of God to send me such a message of strength…the hawk on new years eve,my rapes at that time years before-the significance of the birds presence was important.
And there was this hawk in suburb setting at that moment and that particular day and that exact timing…the hawk.