the view


the view
Originally uploaded by jayfherron

I have to figure out how to say this.
Yesterday in a small country clinic about 10 miles out of the city a small old retired doctor told me what I needed to know all along.
I’ve been feeling a pain in my abdomen for almost eight years-yesterday I was told the pain is my liver-I believe I was told that I am probably in the advanced stages of liver disease. My blood said so. My pee said so. What I told the doctor I felt like said so…and when he did that routine push around my gut area,that said so. He left me with “an ultra sound will show us for sure”.
About two months ago-the pain in my gut was so bad I took my former therapists offer to stay with me as I entered the VA ER. My blood pressure was souring sky high and my gut in pain-it has been in pain for a long time now. The doctor came to say “there is nothing wrong” and I was excused…more like pushed like a wad of dirt out the door.
I told this old country clinic doctor this…his comments are in my confidence-but amounted to the VA should have known this if they had drawn blood. They had-you have no idea how long I’ve been asking the VA for an answer.
I’ll be honest-I began to cry from gratitude for this old doctor-a volunteer at this country clinic…he was recently retired from being one of the top ‘gastro’ men in the area. This old doctor listened…he truly heard what I was telling him. He wrote everything down in pen and ink.

My mind has a million things it wants to say. Perhaps about how I know there is a God and that is whom I trust.
I remember shortly after Rose was taken to her prison (Rose-the Americas Most Wanted convict my life paralleled with in 1998)
I sought answers about my part in her life-why I was the one who had to become her friend only to become her Judas? At that time I turned my face up to God and asked why?
At that time I was doing some cleaning on a lot that had an entire lawn of ‘cats claw’-a Florida plant that grows into a thorny vine. The thorns kept grabbing my shoe laces and untied them about once every minute. I kept bending down to tie them tightly,they kept coming loose from getting caught in the thorns.
After about a hundred times of that my heart said I needed to pray…that’s why I was being made to bend down so much. I did pray-I fell to the ground and wept over the whole year that had just passed-my stroke and my rattlesnake bride and Rose….it had finally caught up with me.
I don’t know how long I was down on my face. I know to purge myself of the hurt and guilt that I had been containing inside felt good.
I had this old bible I kept in my pick up truck. I bought the book when I went into the Navy-its now held together with tape and marked so much inside from study and notes that its worn. Back then I used to just aim the bible up to the sky like in some ritual-and spin it around and then poke my finger in one of the pages to find something to read,so I did that that day…but was drawn instead to actually read something from the beginning of one of the books.
I chose Joshua-because it was short enough to read in one sitting.
Tears flooded my eyes when I read Joshua 5;15

In 1993 I found myself hauling cattle. It was one of those periods in my life where nothing was worth giving a damned about…my electric had been cut off for over a year (soon its getting cut again-ahhh,that’s for another day!) and life hauling livestock looked better then sitting around my campfire cooking coffee. Livestock hauling is a crazy life-foremost,it is dangerous…and to sum it all up-it is dangerous.
Into a couple of months of it I had what I know now was a heart attack-mostly caused by staying awake for days on end-part of the trick to cattle hauling is amphetamines to keep you awake. My body finally said-enough.
I went in the truck-I was helped in by the other drivers…and I fell into the bunk. I believe I was on the very path towards God.
I saw this light and it was more beautiful than any sunset I have ever seen-I heard these voices….singing,and they were beautiful. It was all beautiful. I believe I was on the brink of dying from this world-and believe I was nearly inside of a real life in eternity.

Mixed with that memory my reading Joshua 5;15 pretty much settled my feelings about living and knowing there is a God.

I bought this grave in an old cemetery-my favorite cemetery anywhere, in Micanopy Florida. It is considered a historic cemetery due to that there are graves there that date back to the 1700’s….and because I requested burial in the historic part I had to be considered by the association in charge of the grave yard. They voted me in and I met a few of the old ladies in charge of the maps and plot dispersal’s and they laughed like crazy when I asked if I could lay down on a few to see how I like the view.

So about the best I can say is my old carcass is going to be hanging around here one of these days. I think its a great place-although I’m only going to be a dead body in a box…my spirit is going to get to go home. I think I picked out one of the nicest views in the grave yard-right across the way is a giant dogwood-just past the azaleas,all under the towering live oaks.
Bring yourself a blanket-maybe twist yourself up a spliff….come on down sometime and lay back on top of where they one day will lay me down-and enjoy the view!

One Response to “the view”

  1. Signs of a Stroke Says:

    The impacts of stroke can be devastating for the more than 700,000 people that suffer from stroke each year, One of the most important desires stroke survivors have is the ability to regain an independent lifestyle.

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