well….???


my kind of design
Originally uploaded by jayfherron

Wanting to stay on the course why I began writing on the internet like this ( excuse me….Internet)…
I am finding myself distracted from the actual point why I have started writing as I have.
I’m not your typical person-I haven’t watched commercial television in over 10 years ( yes…I suck it right in when ever I’m in front of one) and don’t care for what it is I’ve might of missed. So far as I can tell-I’m not missing much.
For me to have a computer….well,lets just put it this way-if you were to say two years ago I would have a computer here in this ‘camp’ of mine any one would have said you were crazy.
Here it is. And due to lightning,this one is number two.

Up to lately I have found the computer a means to speak up. All of a sudden I find myself distracted by whats to come and by what has been.
It seems now it was about five years ago on a visit to the VA hospital I was asked if I ever felt depressed.
You can see that because of my having a stroke and the Americas Most Wanted person ‘Rose’ and my ‘rattlesnake bride’ and coming to grips that she left me hanging high and dry and with no wheels (it’s nearly 7 miles to the nearest town) and the fact that I was broke as one could be….I answered yes.
I was given some pills and sent on my way.

The pills were smile makers-they made me feel good-actually as if I was on mescaline…and after a few days I dumped them in the toilet and that was that.
Shortly after a notice came from the VA to meet in a group to discuss this medicine…and I told them the stuff made me feel that way. The social worker who was convening this group sent me to the phsycyatrist and he asked me the classic questions….are you going to hurt somebody? No,I am not…..are you going to hurt yourself? No,I am not….Then you need to give these pills a try-you didn’t give them a chance.

So I took the pills and drove home and dumped them in the toilet and then I wrote a letter to the VA saying how stupid it seemed that I went through the things I did and tried my damnedest to drink them and drug them out of my life-and then went through the battles to quit the drugs and the drinking…and then here’s the answer? More pills?

Why I trusted it once again is uncertain. I guess it just comes from wanting to.
I guess about four months went by when I wrote the letter-that’s when an appointment was made and I met Charlotte.
I learn to trust the system again after meeting her-and after about a year she suggests I file for a claim…to validate that this happened to me. The rapes in barracks D.

I find I’m supposed to report to a local veterans advocate-in my county. I don’t live in a county where most men appear to be sensitive about males being assaulted by other men…I did find this veterans advocate to be no different. His remarks were rude,vulgar-and bigoted .
Soon after I quit seeing that person as an advocate I read where he had retired-the story I read in the newspaper about his replacement told me she had no education-worked previously in a fish market and at nights as a janitor. The article said nothing about her being trained in sensitivity to a sexual assault report. Her former boss surely had none.

I figured it out after searching the Internet that through out Florida the requirements for the veterans advocates is slim in professional training-and more towards the veteran who has been injured during duty-perhaps even in battle,but not those who have been sexually attacked-and also injured during duty.
I got this computer to write about that-the  unjustness of the system that doesn’t give proper support for all veterans-and is biased to those who are injured in more understandable ways-in battle,but please…there needs to be attention given to those injured in sexual assault incidents. They know they happen.
It is almost as if our civil rights are taken from us.
My story-what happened to me,it stayed inside of me for years…until I trusted.
All of that has been let down. After three years of steady therapy with Charlotte-it has stopped,she stepped out of the system programs loop and the clients she had are no longer able to see her. I don’t know about the rest of them-but I surely can’t go through that again. Because of the therapist being a human and helping one of her other ‘vets’ we all see punishment.

So I’m rambling-I guess I can do that! I kind of feel like some cartoon character that walks out into the highway and a big Mack truck comes and blams right over him…and then he gets up and ‘beep beep’,another Mack truck blams over him again.

I am unable to stay amused by the events-the broken trust…we did try. Why didn’t I leave it alone?
I am amazed at how quickly I have begun to feel bad. I guess I can claim I socked it in the face for nearly eight years…this pain in my gut-maybe perhaps the thought of being validated by the ‘system’ has helped keep me going,but now that appears mute.
Some one needs to keep saying these things I’ve been trying to say…to announce to any one possible that sexual assault exists in the military-men are assaulted too….and the Veterans Administration needs to clean up its advocacy program and put people in there who are sensitive to this fact-sexual assault is an injury as much as it is a crime. Maybe then there will be validation.

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11 Responses to “well….???”

  1. James Says:

    Jay

    My name is James.
    I am a moderator, memeber of a MST site for male victims of Military Sexual Trauma.

    A lady saw your posting, sent it to me.
    I am in turn writing to see if you may be interested in joing mrvetwow2@yahoogroups.com.

    You will have to be invited, it is private.
    my address is owenjc3@yahoo.com.

    Jim

  2. jayherron Says:

    Hello James,and thank you for the invite…however I had been invited before,and ‘joined’ and shortly afterwards dropped out.
    I was annoyed and disturbed when the ‘moderator’ had a link or perhaps it was personal video?? of Maria Lauterbach’s funeral…even if you had the families full and open persission (you meaning VETWOW) I felt so sick about that that my computer could’nt work fast enough for me to sign in and sign out.
    Actually-I had written in concern about the first offer to join was sent-from someone calling themself ‘fruit juicy rehead’ and with the name ‘vetwow’-truthfully,I thought I was getting invited to an adult site…fruit juicy redhead? vetwow? just sounds unprofessional for a group who is offering to be advocates to sexually assulted veterans.
    The fact indeed-if this a site to help sexually assaulted survivors one should be a little more genteel in the name they title themselves with (fruit juicy redhead) and the name of the group (vet wow) and certainly offer more discretion and taste then to further disgrace a victim-its now murder…on film-and offer that film for any one to view. It certainly does not do good-but instills fear in those of us who have extreme challenges with PTSD…and like Hollywood-many of those films disgust and demean the victim,and this was an offer for real footage of a familys most tragic time.
    No thanks…I have a desire to find a way to show the country men and woman are being assaulted in the military-and nothing proper is being done!
    Not interested in the group.

  3. James Says:

    jayfherron

    I do not really understand your view concerning names, but that is your view, and you are entitled to it.

    Imagine how your comment is taken, and the harm your words can cause.

    The lady whom you speak of fruit juicy redhead is a MST survivor also, a volunteer, and spends tons of time insuring information is available the sight is working, her life is devoted to other Victims of MST.

    I Take Offense to your thoughtless babbling !

    There are more then 1 vetwow sites. (female – male)

    You may think the name is unprofessional, but it was started by a female
    MST (Military Sexual Assault) victim years ago.
    She has spent countless thousands of dollars to help others.

    What the heck have you done ?

    She has done more for victims of MST then you will ever know, unless you do a lot of research.
    She has spoken in front of Congress, Senator’s, News magazines, television, DOD, list goes on, and on.

    Myself i am no one, but have had correspondences read on the Senate floor, in front of DOD concerning MST.

    I have helped i hope a (tiny amount) to get MST in front of the public, and even more importantly in front of the Government Officials, and the Military so policies would be enacted, and changed.

    Sorry if you get upset, or take offense, there are others on the sites that just survive day to day with PTSD, and the sites are a source of support, and keeps them going.

    James

  4. jayherron Says:

    James-thank you for the consideration,however-you may note that I had joined VETWOW and did address these thoughts with ‘fruit juicy redhead’ between ourselves and we had exchanged a few e-mails to share thoughts on that.
    No one disputes what a super job is being done by VETWOW-I just personally was upset by the offering of ‘video play’ of Maria Lauterbach’s funeral. I found that to be in bad taste,forgive… I am not seeing the point.
    My thoughts and writings are for anyone to read-and anyone to turn away from…and likely many will not agree with what I say. But I have not said anything that was not so.
    I believe my personal problem with PTSD was immediatly struck by the name and title….I sat for a long time contemplating if or if not-should I look at this. Fruit Juicy?
    I can appreciate it is not so alarming to you…your case is different than mine and (is it) Laura’s is different than yours and as survivors we tre all working towards the same goals. But for-the name Fruit Juicy pushes a buzzer and triggers…sorry,a deja vu of sorts.
    I do not write about your organization-nor critic it on my site,other than responding to your comments.
    So you should’nt be upset about that.
    I applaud the work you do-and VETWOW does,no question about it.

  5. James Says:

    jayfherron

    Thank you for explaining your position.

    The fact that we (all) have PTSD/MST is a link, bond and there is really no differences.

    You did not find what you were seeking at vetwow sights, I am sorry, but hope you success in healing.

    Thank you for complimenting the vetwow sites, and all the work that they have accomplished.

    James

  6. jayherron Says:

    Thank you too James.
    We are all working towards the same goals-justice and help for veterans who are the silent wounded.
    Sometimes there are different trades on construction jobs-to build a project it takes many and many skills…that is what we are doing,building awareness and from a variety of directions.
    VETWOW must be a wonderful organized group-my own therapist and I have shared items concerning the education VETWOW does.
    I can admit-I am strange with my quirps…however,I am thankful for your understanding!
    And…my hope for you too James.
    Being involved and concerned-and perhaps you are a survivor too,all important for all of us to say the same things-men are victims too.

  7. James Says:

    Yes
    I have PTSD/MST, survived the rape, and 23 years of guilt, anger, shame, questioning how, why this could happen, who I am, why I am not the same person as I once was, always on guard, always suspicious.
    Take medications so I can sleep, go shopping ect…

    It has been a long drawn out process, and sometimes I loose my footing
    fall right back to feeling like it just happened.

    You were on the women’s site i take it, i never saw your name on the men’s site.

    Take care

  8. jayherron Says:

    James…that footing is hard to keep steady! I know-I trip and fall so many times…trying to keep a grip.
    Thank you for sharing…just in a few sentences,just with a few words-you said much,and by hope other male survivors find that we are here too…find even your words that say ‘this happened to me too’,well-we have no idea how they help-we just hope they help!
    I know exactly what you are saying-exactly!
    Thank you James…and you take care,but don’t go away-my ‘thoughtless babbling’ is planned to continue…I too hope to tell those in power there are other problems that follow us.
    We are ALL advocates!

  9. James Says:

    jayfherron
    I would like to address something, i said (Thoughtless Babbling)
    This was meant strictly concerning your comment towards Laura (Fruit).

    I see by your words you are in pain.
    I have shared these pains, and feelings, for as i said 23 years, still have them even as today, they just fluctuate from mild to severe.
    They truly limit my daily life the quaility of, or lack there of.

    I am sorry if i hurt your feelings.
    I apoligise !
    I just do not like friends, no matter who, how distant, being attacked !

    Take care
    James

  10. jayherron Says:

    ….we are very cool James,I have nothing to say to attack your friend!
    We are alike because we suffer the same way,so do not be concerned of my jest in the way I say things-sometimes.
    Once again-I wrote and shared my very feelings to Laura.
    Everything is good-except certain aspects of this life!
    Thank You James,you are important to me!

  11. James Says:

    jayherron

    You talk of things being wrong in this life.
    The stress from PTSD, changes in how you are, how you used to be is common to my thoughts, beliefs, and findings.

    Core values
    What is right – wrong, who we are – were, what we think of our selves – others, how we see the world -authority.

    Being victimized changes everything.
    One day all is seems normal, then in an instant you are on guard, in a PTSD flashback. A smell, sound, loud noise – voices trigger this, and you are now in panic – anxiety attack.

    Seems to me that all the counseling ect has some effect, but is never going to put you back to who, how we were.
    Some people deal better then others, just remember not to compare yourself to others (they are better ect)

    Though we share the same trauma, symptomatology we are all different.
    My way of dealing was alcohol, and drugs.
    I have not used either for over 8 – 10 years, do not actually recall.

    Today i missed my VA appointment very first ever in 15 – 16 years.
    Really bothers me.

    Take care

    Glad you talked with Laura she is i believe is a very fine woman.
    Jay

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