it’s better than you think!

the only traffic light in town
Originally uploaded by jayfherron

I spoke to the funeral director last night-his last words to me as we began to hang up were “…I’m so sorry !!”-which immediately prompted me to return with “….don’t be sorry for me-I’m one of the luckiest people there is because I know!” “Great Glory…I know!!”
Of course,officially-medically,I do not know…not officially,but-the signs are popping up.
And by ‘knowing’?
I know this is not my home and proper territory. And I know there is a God.

I am a suicidal person. I could own the Brooklyn Bridge by now if the thousands of times I wanted to end my life were worth money. But , because of my belief in God , it also my belief that taking my life is not my property-after all,to trust there’s peace after death is to trust there is something better. In my impression-it is a life with God.
I do believe that in final days if one is able one can,but only then.

I can start in a million places to say why I hate this life,most all of them return to barracks D and my life’s abrupt change there,yet I can also see my baby brother Carl bleeding in our fathers arms,only a few weeks short of being six years old.

I haven’t written much that I dealt with these experiences of death in my life by becoming a mortician,once upon a time. I remembered as a boy seeing Mr.Hoke shoot himself-the wound in his head was huge,and yet at the funeral home he was as perfect as ever,except dead.
Like with my sister-they had to bring a stool over casket side so I could see him. So I was pretty close. Just like with my sister. She had only died a year or so before. I wasn’t much more than six. Mr.Hoke and Jo Eileen were laid in repose in the same funeral parlor in the same spot. My sister was only 11 when she died.
Most kids in school day dreamed about lives as firemen or cops-I always thought of how they did that to ‘Hoke’,how they fixed him like that? (It was my real wish to be an architect-but my curiosity was towards mortuary science).
It was the same with Carl. Yet,it was also the men at Huntemann’s who were so attentive to all of us. It couldn’t help but have a lasting impression.

To go through from being a boy who sees his sister in a casket-young enough not to really understand,but old enough when seeing Hoke shoot himself and laid out in the same place I last saw my sister…and then see Carl dying in our fathers arms-only to have it waxed off with barracks D. Its no wonder I’m fucked up…and want out of here.

Well,why should believe in God then? Why would God do these things-to children…and awful things?
Hey-look…I don’t know. Good grief-if it was a God that put the stars in place and made the heavens tempting….then how am I,a guy who can hardly bend a nail straight know the answers to that.
I don’t even know the answers to why some people are effected by certain tragic parts of their lives and go on as if nothing ever happened. And yet-others,some worse than me,can’t get through the day. I don’t know these things.
I do know there was once an experience that I went through which made it solid as a rock in my heart-there is a God…and a real life.

I sat in a church for almost six years-faithfully attending-full of wanting to learn about God.
They kept talking more about Paul…and soon it became obvious the only way to find for real what the truth was I began to read the Bible. And I read it and read it again. I read it parallel to the Quran…and darned if there ain’t comparisons…the Torah,there too.
I think about the whole concept of the Garden…and Adam and Eve.And trust.
The story can work and has some bearing on how I believe it’s going to work!
What a beautiful wondrous thing it must have been to be a garden with the perfect mate-naked…no kids,no cell phones…no nothing but one and the other-alone,and forever.
And then add love to that. Two alone,naked…and in love-great great love. Love in a garden-a garden so large you can never go from it.
Do I believe when I go to this garden my Dad and my sister and my brother or my grandparents or the neighbors-like Hoke…are all going to be there to greet me?
If it is such-then why?
Why would we want to spoil the one assortment of things we all so desire in all of our lives? Love…
So no-there’s no more of them,our family and relatives and those that came forward in the church all those Sundays to give it up for the Lord.
Just you and this one you’ve wanted all through this life-God aka Love.

I’ve heard it taught about the bride of Christ-the new Adam and the new Eve.
Like I said-there is no way I can ever properly explain that which God has done.
In Revelations-one of the first few verses of chapter 21…it talks about the city coming out of the sky adorned as a bride.
Could it be we find this true love with God-and Gods immensity and power and light is too far greater to comprehend and allows us to never remember this pathetic sorry place we call life.

It’s like a TV set in my head. The channels are few-I can click them with ease. Its like waking up each morning and the first moment my mind takes in the daylight it begins the inventory-always starting with barracks D and working backwards. I can rewind as on a VCR and replay the ugly moments with out the strength to turn them off forever.
It is countless simple things during each day that automatically switch on the events-things others might take for granted like entering a store….with me it revives the need to protect myself and gear my mind to grab the things I need and go. I never feel comfortable just standing there and looking at the items. I grab and go.
Its worse if I’m in a place where I have to pee.
Simple little ‘nothings’ that make my life miserable-because of life’s trials and having to live in places like barracks D.

No Mr. Funeral Director-you need to smile!
This cool cat is happy as if he’s packing for a trip to some great land. I will get to return to that beautiful sound of the voices singing and that beautiful light that I got a short peek at some years back…whatever the answer is will soon be mine to cherish-gladly I’m not trying to second guess God,but I greatly believe the idea being the ‘bride’ might be conceivable.
On my tombstone it says ‘hast thou not known,hast thou not heard-that the everlasting God,the Lord,the Creator of the ends of the earth,fainteth not,neither is weary?
There is no searching Gods understanding.
God gives power to the faint;and to them that have no might God increases strength.
Youth shall faint and the young shall utterly fall.
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary,and they shall walk and not be faint.

I really believe this.

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4 Responses to “it’s better than you think!”

  1. Beijomeliga Says:

    If you don´t speak portuguese, it may be a little dificult to know what´s going on. But believe me, there´s not much heppening there 😉

    Btw, I kinda read your post and got shocked! Are you really thinking about this suicide thing? Well, let me tell you a little story: hen I was 16 years old, my brother did that. It´s really painfull for the ones that loves you. Life´s great – not as much as it could be – and you never know what you can find on the next corner. So, it worth staying alive.

    Sorry about my bad english.

  2. jayherron Says:

    No no…you mis-understand me-I AM NOT considering suicide…it is NOT my property.
    I believe what my doctor has told me-that I’m going that way natural!!
    I am saying-at some point if the pain becomes too bad and life is draining anyway-then the choice is available.
    I am dearly sorry about your brother-but you will learn that this is not a choice I would make nor encourage anyone to make-howver,as I say-if the pain and illness has gotten to a point,I believe God accepts this.
    Your English was perfect.

  3. the crap i learned in high school, etc « open container speedWay Says:

    […] my buddy Jay Herron had a chat with his mortician recently — rarely a good sign. Gets me to thinking, about how the older you get & the […]

  4. Austin Says:

    This makes me cry because I so understand being ready to stop. I also feel the world is a bit cheated for not getting to keep you longer. The other night in the hospital when the pain got so bad I thought to myself, enough, I’ve had enough.


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