the last time…


Originally uploaded by jayfherron

How does one explain many of the things that mold up a part of lives…we have so much that ads on to our baggage,sometimes it is too hard to comprehend.

My entire adult life has been one with less self esteem than what appears to be normal for others. I never could grasp getting to know people who had higher planes of thought and values…at least,not until recently.
I’ve written about the woman in this photograph several times before…I call her my ‘rattlesnake bride’.
Hmmm,yes…an awful title for a person-yet it is almost a perfect fit. You would have to enter her space to learn I am telling the factual truth.

I met my rattlesnake bride in 1993. She was living in an automobile with her two children-she had claimed she was an abused wife and stole away with the kids to flee being beat up more.

Lie one.

Then she told everyone she had six months to live-some kind of bone cancer of some such…we all-friends and neighbors- rushed to the local Red Cross to have our blood checked to see if we qualified to be a bone marrow donor….which was redundant-lie two.

I fell in love with her. Moved her into my house and quickly fell into the depths of all her ‘stories’….and loved her. Blinded by the love….not given sight because of it!

There is a history with this woman-yet I would listen and did not hear for at least four years. By then it became obvious-this person was seriously troubled,and perhaps even dangerous.

I believe I had more dealings with the local law enforcement in the period of time she was with me then I ever had in my entire life. There was stolen property…she filled the house with lawn equipment once and said she bought it at a yard sale…still telling about the sale as the sheriff deputy and the real owner of the property were carrying out of the house! It came clear that the truth was not a easy thing for her.

I cannot write it all this morning. The times we had were almost harder than walking through a tornado-that is,the times we were together…she seemed to have this thing about taking off and not being seen for weeks or months.

The last time was 11 years ago today-she went out for a pack of smokes and that was the last I have seen her.

I can recall the date easily-tomorrow is my birthday and my darling rattlesnake bride came into the house 11 years ago today at 10:30 in the morning and undressed and seduced me and after that was over she took the car and went off for a pack of Marlboro’s…somewhere along the way she managed to bounce almost 2,000 dollars of non-valuable checks. I only began to realize what had happened a few days later when my phone began to ring…hey Jay,we have a problem!

The calls came from business owners that knew me-she had convinced them to cash the checks. There were no funds-as a matter of fact,she even cleaned out the bank account-and left me high and dry!

It seemed almost immediately the convict lady I met…Rose,or Theresa,or…Mary Beth…or who ever she called herself at the time-almost immediately she began to enter my space every day. There was something she could not grasp-after spending three years with the rattlesnake was an education in truth for me….it became easy to tell when someone was telling you false things,or lies…and when the truth was evident.

Two ladies-two liars.

Rose turned out to be wanted by the FBI and with out a doubt-could not tell the truth,well…until after rattlesnake took off,then the truth of Rose came out. She murdered some guy in Maryland and had escaped from prison….great news to tell someone! Of all things…that turned out to be the truth.

So…how can I remember this day? It was the last time I have ever been in physical contact with another human being. You know what I mean…it was the last time!

Trust….trust is not an easy thing for me. I really believed in rattlesnake. I believed this beautiful woman was going to die-she was so intelligent,and gawd bless…she was beautiful. That was the best of it-the rest was like riding a carnival ride that was running off track.

I really even hate that I have nothing to really write about this morning. It is this memory that I have-especially that it has been this long since I’ve felt affection….actually,thinking of it-longer!!…because I spent three years trying to  earn the love back that I was flowing out to my bride! That turned out to be impossible….she had no idea of love,the concept failed to be a part of her.

I finally was able to locate her last year. I had taken advice from my banker-he said to get a divorce since she could at any time come back and toss me out (Florida has such a law about married folks-they call it community property-what is mine is hers)…and that would be unreasonable! Through the lawyer I got to handle finding her I learned she had been incarcerated in Minnesota for ‘child endangerment’ for driving drunk with her six year old daughter in the car-along with a few pounds of pot (which made no sense-she never could get away from booze long enough to smoke dope)…and along with those charges she was convicted of giving false names to the law. She still was consistent

I cannot say how it makes me feel-other than hurt. To find a person your heart can’t shake-and yet too find that person could cut your heart out….and not even care,it is not an easy pill to take.

I maintain a distance of ‘trust’….I am not able to find someone that I can relax with,always tense about what will be next?

So I suppose that 11 years ago was the last time!

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