depression and anxiety

blue head-jay herron 2007

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

It is beginning to be a new season-the morning air is cooler and for me it reminds my body that another winter is ahead.
I’d like to say that is why depression comes along. But the temperature change has nothing to do with it.
The feelings of depression are like knowing a cold is coming on-there’s that sense you get in the back of your throat that tell’s you so. It is the same with depression-it feels like someone is squeezing my shoulders and neck. This is the wrong time for this to happen-but perhaps more blame can fall in this direction than with the seasons changing. I leave this week on a train-sounds like fun? I’m getting too anxious to think so.
It is in exchange from riding a bus…both ideas have become options with gasoline the cost that it is-but it’s not any less a concern for me to leave the woods and travel leaving the comfort zone of privacy.
I know it will be okay-once the journey begins…but my mind builds up so much trouble for itself,and then the depression comes into the picture.
Most of the time I just want to darken it up-cover myself in the bed and reel from the squeezes on my neck and shoulders-and feeling my body begin to weigh like an anchor. My body becomes queezie and sick.
And then the anxiety fights for equal space.
It’s bad enough being anchored down-but my breathing becomes hyperventilated and my mind is blank from going so fast.
I’m definitely not prepared to travel.

I am cheered by God and how my friends become vessels of support. Because I have resigned myself from the VA clinics and have been seeing doctors outside in the real world…my monthly check got very small-this month my check lasted long enough for the walk from the bank to the Post Office. I pay my bills with nothing but a U.S.Postal Money Order,a habit my grandmother taught me.
I literally walked away on pay day with nothing for myself.

My one friend-out of the way the Spirit works…called me out of the blue and asked me when my trip was and then offered to buy me a tank of gas-so I can get to the train station.
Another friend telephones and offers me a cash boost by her needing a ride to several places-in our rural scene,it is hard to be stuck at home and needing a grocery store or the Post Office…and when I pick her up there is that always bundle of some kind of food stuffs-in abundance.
Now….these friends have no idea-but yet,God uses them….and like my friend said when he was thrumping his credit card into the gas pump,”Don’t ask me why I’m doing this”?? …and,in amazement,I know enough about my friend to realize the strength in the moment because it is not in his character to call me out of the blue and offer me a tank of gas!

My journey on the train is not one of leisure. My son is having surgery-on his neck and face,a region of body that the whole thing is scary to me…and I want to be near my son to wait this through,and help as he recovers….the grand-pop of an energetic three year old,I’ve been asked if I am up for this??
Well…it will be a change of pace for me!
It’s a funny odd world. I’m the only guy I know that can take a trip like this and not have one red cent!
I would have made a great nun!

2 Responses to “depression and anxiety”

  1. BJ Says:

    I’m sorry to hear your son has to have surgery on his neck and face. I’m sure that has to be scary for him and his family. He’ll need you to be strong for him. Try concentrating on John 14:1 on the train trip and being a strong support for Micah. He’s relying on his father to be there for him. No, I don’t think you’d’ve made a good Nun, a monk, maybe, but Nun, no.

  2. bernie Says:

    Hey, keep in touch, how is he doing? I agree with BJ you would not makea good nun and I don’t think you would make a good monk either.

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