vacation…


Originally uploaded by jayfherron

 

I am stuck.
That is about as plain as I can put it.
My mind is there-along with my body,but there is the drag of depression (lingering) and a sense of defeat because of the above.
Mostly-I want to pack it back into bed and darken the daylight with my covers pulled over my head. I would honestly like to lay down and float off into eternity.
Well….what is it that makes this happen? If I knew-I would not go there again,but the mystery of it all keeps to itself.
There is no understanding it. I do not know why things are not normal-although I know how they must have come to be this way.
Actually,I’m not sure if it can be prevented from happening-as if it comes on like someone catching a cold.
But-I believe it is inescapable,because I cannot get away from my past-and from what happened,and from how that changed me…at least,I suppose it was change-it has been so long a part of me I cannot remember who I really might have been.

I write this on line journal because I need to tell it-I need to speak out and say the things that no one wanted to hear…no one in my family-and the silence of it all has taken its time eating away at me adding to the damage that is called my life.

I am a male…and although the term confuses me-I am a survivor of rape. It was not a one time thing-it is has been a life time thing. It is there each day as daylight comes and I wake up to my surroundings and remember everything that happened. It is a lot to remember because it has not ever ended-never gone away,I never got used to it as the officer I reported it to said to do…”get used to it”!

It is not bad enough to just wake up and the inventory is still alive in my head…moments ago I came in and sat in front of my computer-coming in from my bathroom,from doing something so simply a part of life and daily routine as going to the toilet….and the fact,not a memory,the fact of the damage to my body expresses itself. I am continually reminded of the events of my rape-and the continuing assaults that I lived with afterwards….for 38 years. Not too long from now I will shower…part three of the chore that is the rest of my life as it has been all of my life-to be reminded again. Every day. They are not polite memories-nor vague or distant (even if they are that old) they are permanent like an ugly tattoo. The showering part I believe is the worse of the three.

You see…it is right here that I am stuck. I’m wanting to say things about improvement and healing and changes for the better,and then…blam! I cannot tell you something that is not so-as if,healing is for others-and things will change,when you are validated you will see-you will feel better. The most I can say is getting back in bed and hiding under the covers is what I want to do.

I will say-it is difficult to live everyday with two lives. The one that people think you have-and the one that you have.

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