Today…39 years ago

ijay   Today is sunk in my memory forever, Last night I woke at 0200 from the nightmare. Today I will sag from depression-all week I have been worn tired from anxiety. My anniversary of entering barracks D  is today. At around 0200 tomorrow morning I will live that moment in time for the rest of my life.

As I have written in these pages for nearly three years-I am a male rape survivor. Because my rapes took place while on active duty in the US Military-I have the distinction of being a survivor of ‘military sexual trauma’ or MST. I also suffer from ‘post traumatic stress disorder’ or PTSD.

I am having a difficult time thinking of what to say-I have been awake since 0200 and that from fleeing a horrid dream, a dream about incarceration. My assaults took place while I was in barracks D,a detention barracks-my crime? I had done nothing!

The details of my life are recorded in this journal. I never intended to write about it like this-on the computer for anyone to see…but things happened which changed my silence.

Because my assaults happened while in military service-the story needs to  be told,and because I am a male-the story needs to be told.

If you find this journal and decide to read you will find all aspects of my life. You will learn I couldn’t hold a job-although I worked hard all of my life. You will learn that I have had a life long battle with sobriety-finding that escape in drugs only meant that the issue still was alive the next day. You will learn that I have lived a life fearful of public places-and people.

I am having difficulty writing this morning. The event 39 years ago makes me emotional-and I am tired of waking up and the first thing I think of is barracks D. I am tired -period!

I find it ironic-the day after tomorrow I am going to be standing on a military base-an actual US Marine ‘boot camp’ at Paris Island. I will be proud to be there-it will make me sad, but yet proud. I am ending this year of 2008 exonerated from wrongdoing by the Veterans Administration. It seems appropriate that God will have me begin my New Year-this new year- standing on a military base.


3 Responses to “”

  1. Sam Says:

    There’s I fine lady offering free help to Veterans for issues of abuse PTSD etc, and I know she will be glad to contact you.

    Please feel free to ask her any question – her name is Ingrid – at the online forums here

  2. Ingrid Says:

    this is Ingrid. Sam forwarded your blog, and yes, I’d be glad to connect with you! May people have been through what you experienced in the military, and they are usually suffering in silence. I congratulate you for your courage to step out and talk. Thank you for that!
    Please know that the work that I offer for Veterans, EFT, does not neccessarily require you to bring up the memories in detail, or even share them with me if youu dont want. EFT is a gentle acupressure technique which will allow you to simply take the charge out of what happened, not because it was right, but because you deserve to feel peace again. Anniversary is a tough time to go through, I understand that. There is so much we can do to help make this a different experience for you. Please feel free to connect with me any time! Love

    • jayherron Says:

      Responding to both Ingrid and Sam-thank you for your interest in my blog-journal.
      Although I tell my own story here-I am telling the story of countless veterans who remain silent out of fear and shame-even guilt.
      I hope to see a change in how our veterans are responded to-the veterans who survive MST while in active duty. We were told to be quiet then…it is now way past time to rise up and shout. Male and female-we need to be heard.

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