depression and XANAX and depression and XANAX and depression and…


right turn
Originally uploaded by jayfherron

 

Last week I wrote about the problem I have been having with cleaning my system of the anti-anxiety medicine known as ‘alprazolam’-which is a swift name for XANAX.

I had requested the medicine to help me fly across country and the Pacific Ocean to visit my son in Hawaii.

I needed something to help settle my nerves and ease the anxiety-I am phobic in public places and needed something to keep me calm during the 14 hours across-and what turned out to be 40 hours on my return trip.

I got hooked. I did not realize it at first-but truth is,I got hooked.

I managed to turn a 30 day supply into 60,this by splitting the pills in two.

I returned to Florida and eventually ran out of the first supply. I went a while with out them-and got severely sick,not knowing it was withdrawal’s.

Over the weeks I got to thinking about the pills-they did have a calming effect. To be honest-after drinking a couple of beers they even made me feel euphoric. Iasked for another prescription of them. This time I recieved two 30 day supplies-divided in two-that made 120 days.

I did not know I had swiftly become attached to the little oval pills. Okay-attached is a polite way to say addicted-the feeling they gave me was the deception!

I began doing things that were harmful to my body-and would eventually turn harmful to my family. I was sure to turn up dead somewhere…and I doubt if the position my death would be in would be one I’d want anybody to remember me by. This medicine was making me more ill than I am-it provoked a part of me that I have wrestled with to kill from my life instead.

I know what addiction is. I lived through it in a number of ways-I still have a mindset to do a strong drug. Sometimes heroin crosses my mind. Gladly I can say-I have no idea where to get any…and gladly,while sober,I can catch those whims and put them to rest. I know what addiction is.

The last few weeks have been miserable. I said in my last writing that cocaine was not even slightly as hard to kick as this prescription drug has been. My body has reeled from the first weeks pain-the following weeks pain and nausea and the following weeks pain of not being calm and instead being on edge all the time. It seems like a black cloud has grown over my head-destined to follow me from now on. I cannot stay upright-and want to hide in the safety of my bed and covers. I am having a hard time keeping my breath-the stress has caused me to breath heavy as if I have just climbed a mountain trail.

I guess clinically-anxiety and depression are two sorts of illness. I know the difference between the two-as far as how they make me feel. The anxiety is combined with the voices of Zim that constantly nag at me-“you don’t want to go in there” or “I would’nt do that if I were you”! There is a tension that follows-my body is a jumble of nerves when ever I enter a crowded building.

Depression is physically painful. My shoulders and arms feel it first-the stiffness and aches and a headache. I feel that this morning…along with anxiety. Double jeoperdy! The pain can also drag you to bed-the fear from it pulls the blankets up further.

I want to get out of here and walk. My mind feels more at ease whenever I do something physical-it seems the excersize does something to push the blood around to places it normally misses. My mind says that is healthier than taking a drug….my body seems to be the anchor. I cannot get up to take the first step.

I wish things could just go away! The peace of thinking about a time or place where there is nothing but laying back and looking at the sky and the quiet of silence to get in your way. That peace is on my mind all the time.

But-it is not there….it is always something in this life that continues to cause urgent fears and constant trauma’s. They just seem to linger,don’t they?

As the time goes longer away from the morning I dumped the XANAX I am feeling more and more normal-unusual to think of an over anxious depression prone individual as feeling normal. But,there is a normal. I have been waking again before dawn. I have been enjoying the clearness of the early morning,feeling the chill of  dawn-the quiet of the darkness and the eventual sound of the mornings first bird sounds,all a part of my favorite time of day. I started loosing this pleasure by sleeping to all parts of the morning-soundly,and all because of the medicine. That was a small part of why I dumped it. The large part is what it was making me do! It deadened my motivation-and seemed to erase my spirit,although I tried to fake it around those who know me,and even perhaps to myself. That is what drugs do to you-they make you feel dead.

I feel like an old wound up watch-too wound up and the gears and springs  are locked! I am hopeful this is a short term sensation that will eventually go away. I doubt it will be completely gone-but at least as less than it is this morning,and has been the last few days. I think this is more of the drug leaving my system.

It amazes me-it has always amazed me…we who self medicate-those of us who have trusted people with names like ‘Spook’ or ‘Stank’ to provide us with a 90 dollar bag with unknown compounds called something exotic! We have never hesitated to put the contents on a mirror or in a glass tube or in a dirty needle and in our systems….and the ‘normal’ world of people trust the pharmacy! And those drugs are just as bad!!

Which is better?

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