break time!

farm-john campbell school,brasstown NC

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

I am away-it will be a few weeks before I come back.

The good news is-my little early special grandson is home…and my home is on the road behind a steering wheel,collecting thoughts…and myself.

Soon! You’ll see!

42 days

life on the high side

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

I have a problem with anger. I do not possess the ability to confront an issue and clear up a problem with ease. If something begins to trouble me-I let it eat at me and build up over time. Might be-I forever keep it to myself,that is never good either.

It has something to do with my PTSD and the experience of my life at barracks D-the way I was handled by my attackers with my arm twisted behind my back to apply just enough pressure to want to give in. I was never able to speak back or resist.

I think the days have gotten to me. My own health being like it is-my body hurts and gut is throbbing almost all the time now. I suppose that could have contributed to my angry out burst,which is what happens when I let something build up instead of confronting it right away. I lose it-I flail and scream-and I say shit that I meant only in a smaller scale…but it comes out hugely obscene and violently spewed in intent. It is why I am better isolated in life because there is no reason then to allow things to build up.

My mind has been confused like that for so many years I should know the damage it has to make me suppress speaking out when need be. I am always surprised at what it does when the thought peaks to reaches I have no ability over-I know it is happening,I just don’t know what it is I’m saying until it is done and I can reflect on it all. Where did that come from?

This is not limited to outside situations-I do this and damage so much with in my own family. I lost it the other day with my son-the father of the new born babe.

I am not at all comfortable in large buildings. Certain sounds-and certain odors trigger memories that are unpleasant. I don’t like to be in areas where there are crowds. Shands Hospital is not full of crowds,but it is crowded. My major phobia is in public restrooms-I come to find ‘quieter’ places,but not always private. It is also a trigger-my assaults began in a restroom.

On the drive in to the hospital last week I shared with my daughter (my sons wife-“in law” is too wierd for me to use) some things about my brother-we had passed a shoe on the road and I told her that every time I see a shoe on the road it made me think of my brother (Carl,who was struck and killed by a car when he was almost 6). Those shoes lying on the road trigger that day-and that is what happens every time  I go into a public restroom. It triggers that part in time where I was raped. It never misses.

Today marks the 42nd day of going to Shands. I have managed to locate a restroom that appears to be more private than others-never the less,the entire thought process begins anyway the minute you open the door,occupied or not….and there is a place where you can get coffee and sit at one of the outdoor tables and get away.  But the other day it became clear-I need to get further away.

To interject here-the new born babe is coming along greatly-at least in this phase of his new journey into the world. They placed him in an open crib-no more plexiglass box. He might come home this week…later this week. He already knows that when I kiss him the whiskers tickle his face and he makes expressions…all that is good.

But old Poppa (me) is starting to notice the pain in his body. The sitting has made it flare. I began walking out in our area each morning hopeful it would work it out-but it is intense,so…and then,there is my mind. And it works on me-I begin building up about things…there may be things that are wrong with something or what ever-but it happens. And I blast…and I did,and did so at my son. I know it upset him,it upset me. We since have seen it through,but the mark is there anyway.

Escape? Running away? I mentioned to one of the nurses yesterday I have turned down three invites to hit the river. My grandson being ‘boxed up’ at the neo-natal ICU for 42 days has been the priority. Now he is on the brite side of this phase and the nurse told me by the time I got back from this journey down the river the little guy would be home.

I felt the timing was perfect-the earliest I can get away is Wednesday,but I am meeting my (former) boss down at the marina that afternoon. I’m going to sit in a white lawn chair and watch as the river flows by as we putter down towards Merritt Island a few hundred miles south. Doing nothing. My (former) boss called it “Huck Finn-ing”! We are going to float for almost a full week. I believe it is best for everyone-to heal from my outburst.

In the bible in the book of James it says the tongue is the most harmful weapon – the most damage can be made with it than with any two edged sword. Lined up with a brain-I can see that.

just thinking

zoom meter-distance

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

When King Soloman was given the opportunity to pray for anything his heart desired and it would be granted-he asked for wisdom. I feel that is the perfect request-to traverse through all of this worlds mucky muck it takes wisdom.

Now I am not saying I am the brightest bulb on the lamp-by far,I am not that smart,but I’m not sure that wisdom has as much to do with being smart than it does having something to do with the vision in your mind and heart. Being able to commune with a higher Spirit for example.

I know my own past I have at times caught the glimpse of heaven and and holiness intervening in my life. Visions!

Earlier this year I traveled to Pearl Harbor to visit my oldest son and his family. The flights were going to be long and thinking about it raised my anxiety levels-so I asked a shrink at the VA for something to keep me calm.

The Alprazolam did work. I found myself in la-la land and that place improved if I had a beer or more. I was able to slice the tablets in two-the double prescription stretched out for a few weeks,and then it was gone. I got really sick after I returned from Hawaii but did not know it was from the Alprazolam or the fact I ran out.

I wrote about it weeks ago. I asked for more and I got it-a larger prescription especially since I could stretch it out. Drinking made them better-the pills. Then I started to realize thinks were’nt going well,and I dumped them-I did not know it was going to be ‘cold turkey’. But it was!

I’ve been sitting in this Natal ICU (some jumbo for a place in the hospital) with my newest grandson everyday now-today makes 34 days. He and about 50 others in this unit are fighting for life in their already short lives.

Don’t let me persuede you to think I am plexi-glass box side every day and every moment. Usually I am albe to drive his mother in-and I leave her with her son. I roam around the hospital-and you begin to become familier with the faces of others.

I have mentioned how huge this hospital is-somewhere I read there are over 12,000 employees,I have no idea about the numbers of  ill. There are places of escape there-one spot is called Sun Plaza,where coffee can be had and a place to sit outdoors.

I think about things so much-meditation of how powerful the Spirit of God is. How easy it is for me to allow addiction to overcome-like with the Alprazolam and how the wisdom God gives you to stop. I am glad to have gone through the sickness of quitting,the withdrawls of the chemical agrivating my body as my body cleansed itself from it. I am thankful because of the way it worked-the timing. Otherwise I would have had no business sitting and watching and praying for this little fighter we have.

I have been poor much of my adult life. I’ve gotten used to living that way-not saying that I liked it,I just learned to live it.

Earlier this year I was to receive some benefit payments-and did,which gave me the ability to fly to Hawaii and visit-and be a tourist. Those payments got stopped by some computer glitch…being used to poor it was easy,but knowing it was supposed to be different-it was not as easy to accept. I went through some periods of immature behavior-like a fool.

The wisdom the Spirit of God has. The glitch came to understand it was screwing things up and things came to order. The timing? The timing is so incredible! The cost of going back and forth to the city is covered-so is trying to live everyday in a hospital on cafeteria meals-or the sandwiches out at the Sun Plaza. And the other parts…the learning.

 I looked down at my grandson the other day as I cuddled him in my arms-and I saw my father as an infant, knowing this vision from an old old photograph. It was peaceful as much as it was strange. I loved my father but was never able to share that well with him.

Just thinking.