if it’s fixed-best broke it


MUH YAT
Originally uploaded by jayfherron
 
 

 

An old saying in the trucking industry about a Cummins engine is-“if it ain’t broke,don’t fix it”!

I really don’t know all of what that means-but heard it so often it stuck.

I do know in my life right now it is the reverse-it seems fixed,and I’m trying to break it. Not trying on purpose,but subconsciously I am ripping out the walls and sinking into a place I cannot control,I call it damage control…which is why it is uncontrollable.

Fucking-A…that’s confusing-aye?

Try to be me once!

Pluxmux…crungeblux…crapmax…CRIXMIX!! It now has past. In five more days there is still more to come-I sense it on faltering knees…on Muh knee’s,oh God…I AM on MY KNEE’S!! (that is what the damage control is-on my knees)

Five more days to new years eve…to 40 years,and six more days to new years day…and seven more days to the return to business….and more days to continue to try to escape it! The memory of who I am and what made me this way. At least-to fuck me up…it chose an easier day than any to remember it-ahhh,but it could have happened ANY TIME,and the memory would still be the same.

At least it will be a good 12 months before this goes and comes again,but as I said-it won’t matter…it always a hard time for me!

My old year is coming to an end-the new year is beginning with the need for toilet paper to clean me off-feeling shit on and hurt….and,hurting myself-yes ‘group’…I ain’t healed yet-if ever,but yet HEELED to my intent to cut myself and burn myself and get myself crapped on and smacked on while ON MY KNEES-one more time!

Why not?

It’s all been a fucking lie…like Sesame Street and all of its costumed teachers-the bird and the cookie thief! Or Satan Claus…oh,[sic] Santa,pardon me! Hello kiddies…let’s pretend-it’s more fun and less realistic TO PRETEND! Then one day you will grow up and be adjusted to the lies of life. TRUST Satan Claus (oh gawd,sorry-Santa) because all you need to do is be good-and good will come to you from Satan!

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So-these past weeks have been torment to me. Things seemed high earlier in the year-looking good,I received compensation from the Veterans Administration for the ‘post traumatic stress disorder’ PTSD I have lived with for (this marks 40) years. A trivial trickle of some money each month-enough to buy a yacht (shown above) and allow me to afford the fee’s to the ‘put-put’ golf course. It was supposed to be something considered ‘VALIDATION’!! but…fact is, I AM STILL BROKEN!

Validation?

Validation?

What in the entire FUCK of it ALL is validated????

I still seek being hurt! It is the only way to discover that it is real…the hard hands on your body-they say that it is real…the strength in the pain they offer….they VALIDATE that it is REAL! THE PAIN…gawddamned right-IT IS REAL!!! You CAN feel it, it is real. It ain’t pretend-make believe-satan claus…merry merry crixmix!

MERRY CRIXMIX…the shiney teeth liars speak in an attempt to be cheerful…and rightous!

So…here is VALIDATION!

One year ago a judge decides to ‘validate’ that the RAPES HAPPENED!

The year ends by my seeing my first and only believer-SNEAK AWAY from seeing me or saying hello…or,VALIDATING my presence.

Then the year ends by the Veterans Administration writing saying they need to VALIDATE my case…that it seems my disability might be healed!!

HEALED???? My disability is ‘temporary’….the horror of the dreams of prison-they are probably improving,and the fact that I might have smiled about something-makes me better? The fact that I torture myself-anyway…and still,oh yes-I am getting better. I want to CUT MY THROAT!! Because of the SICK that I AM …..and from what happened to me CRIXMIX season (happy happy-jolly jolly) 40 years ago. Healed? How in the mother fuck is that? I ask?

I wish there could have been an audience the eve of crixmix! They’d of said-“look at this sick fuck!!”

And then-there is validation. What a CROCK!

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It must be why they do this lie thing about Satan Claus to us as kiddies! To get us adjusted to how we are lied to as adults-and deceived. Kind of a tough love message to begin lying to our little ones at age 2 and 3 and a little older…and Jimmy or a Nancy comes along and says to your soon to be 10 year old “There’s no such thing as an Easter Bunny….Santa ain’t real”! And the lie trys to stay alive as the frantic parents pleads “No…no no-Jimmy and Nancy just made that up”!! It is no wonder anyway why kids dont’ believe in JESUS hardly any more-after the major lies are busted (easter bunny and satan nicky) how’s it going to be easy to convince?

I tried to believe! I thought the way I was brought up-American Flag and Apple Pie and DEFEND The Constitution of the United States (land of the free-one nation UNDER GOD) I went in head first-believing in what I was taught.

I DO believe the BIBLE! I am only a friend to GOD,there really aren’t any others we can trust. IN GOD WE TRUST (you must)
…after all,God is no politician,God IS! But,that’s about it. God is the beauty in death!

Now-how can I believe in the BIBLE? My brother Frank-for one! He sold me into the slave that I am. He did what ever he could to work out his jealousy of me-I must have been in his way…he must not have known I was there to be his brother!

I asked the US Navy to allow me to serve on the same ship with my brother-my brother did not like that-at all.

I believe in the BIBLE. Look at Cain and Able-or the many other examples of brother against brother written in those holy words. How could I not? I am nowhere the majestic story of Joseph and coat of many colors-but never the less, sold out by my own brother.

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I have no belief in anything of flesh anymore!

I was sitting behind the VA last month waiting on a shuttle bus. I had just left my appointment with my therapist (oh….that,I just don’t feel that safe there either) and while sitting a Ford truck drove up-I noticed it because it appeared to have the ‘Harley Davidson’ package dressing up its exterior. Then I looked at the passenger-it was Charlotte,my former therapist. The truck sat there long enough-I know she saw me. They drove away. I’m not too stupid-I walked around the building to see….yes,it was her. I guess she couldn’t say hello.

A summer few back on an August day-A Tuesday,I went to a regular scheduled appointment with Charlotte. The clinic co-ordinator told me she was not in. The next week-he told me the same. The third week I was told not to come back until notified.

I waited THREE months. How many others waited like I did? Clients with PTSD and anxiety issues? How many began to think like I did that Charlotte had heard enough and took her own life? That is what I thought!

Well…what ever the reason turned out to be-it took one tiny moment where someone could have said hello,and DID NOT to break more trust….and cause great doubt in a mentally ill persons mind!

Well…who the fuck cares? It doe not matter anyway-the VA ,it seems,believes PTSD is something temporary and easy to overcome. Rape is a shower away from forgetting it ever happened….and the way I go out of my way to be hurt is in my mind.

What a fucking joke this is-GOD….are YOU LOOKING??

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