the door to barracks D

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

Today it is 40 years!

It is 0530…it would have been about 3 hours ago. The dream I had last night was like that night…violent-and because I had to pee I woke at 0230,just about the same time. Just exactly the same reason-to pee,except in barracks D I had to pee so badly but had waited for hours out of fear-I had never been in a place like this before. I was so afraid.

I was again woken-40 years ago this morning. I had been knocked unconscience and was laying in a urinal trough-I remember the soreness in my body as I was stirred to by my name being shouted-gruffly…ordered…commanding.

My shirt was wet-that I guess from the dampness of the urinal trough. My pants and boxer shorts in a twisted roll on the floor-I had to look for them. Then I had to try and un-roll them from the knot they became as they were hastily pulled from my body. The pants and boxers became a twisted jumble-the voice calling my name was now perturbed that I was causing a delay in his chore. He was assigned to take me to the investigators office in a building next door.

The investigator was not a ally. He chuckled when he heard my answer to why my face was bloodied and my uniform so askew-wet with piss…my anal area sore and burning.

The investigator told me in a non-concerned manner “Get used to it” and “your dance card has been punched”.

Forty years….I am yet to find a way to get used to it. I am never going to “get used to it”.

2 Responses to “FORTY YEARS”

  1. Bill Johnston Says:

    I totally identify with your story. I was 17 in basic training 1969 was the year, US Navy was the branch I had longed to serve.
    I was brutially raped days after entering into the Navy. So ashamed and told that I would be killed if I said anything to anyone. Furthermore, I was told I would be blamed and they would tell everyone that I was a homosexual / queer and deserved what I got. I was not gay, nor did I deserve what I got. Who deserves having their head cramed in and out of a tolet with fecies and urine in it, while being raped, Gaged by a sock twisted around my mouth and raped from behind me. A very spiritual person all my earlier life, I was involved in a sin, I could not understand why this happened to me. I jumped off the roof of the barracks the next Sunday morning to attempt a sucicide. I wanted out of the service if it meant death. The next 7 months I spent in the Navy hospital. Two broken femurs, one broken arm, and partially paralized on the left side. Terrified that after all of this I could not trust anyone to tell about this. I could not crawl, much less run or fight anyone off me if they attempted to kill me again. Never being afraid before in my life, now I was terrified. It took me over 30 years to ever come forward and tell this. Reliving this and getting treatment for my totally screwed up life, I was told by the VA to file a claim for PTSD. I was denied because I did not tell the mental therapist on my exit evaluation from the service that I would not qualify me for my claim. Now, after all these years I am still in therapy. I have never tried again to even file a claim. I only have anger inside me for ever asking to be given a written or verbal acknowledgement of what Had happened to me. I have recieved 20% service connected disability since 1970 for my injuries in my attempted sucicide from the VA. Initally, the Navy gave me 50% by the Navy. a few years later, the VA reduced the disability to 20%. My disability is also due to the Vietnam War Era but has nothing to do with the mental hell I have suffered for all these years. Feel free to contact me if u have a similar story. I was in Orlando in Oct 1969 / May 1970

    • jayherron Says:

      Your story caused me to shudder-how many more? How many more untold stories? I am very sad. I am also confused/concerned-how can they give you a certain level of disability and then reduce it? My attorney told me they cannot do that-he is a VA fighter-all his firm has ever done. My feelings are that you got shafted in an older system-and that rights are still available for you…we never really know-and,the benefits never will repair the damages. I have another reader that has contacted me-his idea is that we organize and we are talking about forming an organization to stand up and shout about MST (our trauma has a title-military sexual trauma) My suggestion-if you can locate a proper psychologist that treats sexual attack ptsd (out side of the VA system) and seek treatment-and recorded documentation of the events…my attacks were never recorded when I announced them-and it was 35 years before anyone ever became interested. And-I took them to task-and with out witness’s I succeded. We can battle-you have ‘soldiers’ on your team. I am glad you took a moment to resond to my writings-telling your story is powerful,and I am glad you shared with me! Jay

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