the loneliness of Zim Radner


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Originally uploaded by jayfherron

I have written about Zim Radner before. Through Chet Zim still lives-except…Chet is just someone inside of me-no where else!

Zim Radner,I believe, is dead-and somehow his messages are relayed through Chet…Chet Gorsky!

How I ended up with two Polish Jews as my alter ego’s I have no clue.

I have never heard the voice of Zim-only Chet’s sounds out from inside of me…an awful New Jersey accent. I can’t imitate it here-I can’t imitate it intentionally…but just about every morning the advice from Zim comes through Chet and I mumble it out-and most always heed it!

Lately these two have been stifled! Chet has found some opportunity to mumble-but the exact words are not there-no advice…just a strange silence like that one would find in a waiting room full of strangers.

Okay….it sounds like I am crazy (and perhaps this would be more fun if I were) and actually thought so myself. I learned a few years ago that these voices are a part of disassociated behavior-someone (a therapist) told me I have several personalities going on inside of  me-and these two work to protect!

Funny thing-I knew Chet Gorsky in real life-we worked together back in the 70’s, only briefly but I seem to retain his way of giving advice…and somehow that advice comes from Zim. Crazy mixed up world.

Did you ever see the movie ‘The Shining’? That part with the little boy that rides hs tricycle around this giant hotel-he see’s a ghost…okay,so it ain’t all like that in the movie-but the thing that I am building up here is the little boy using his finger as the figure-and through the little boys mouth he says over and over “redrum…redrum…redrum” on and on like that! All that said just to describe th voice of Chet (not saying “redrum”) using that same gravely sound as the Shinings’ little boy! He (Chet) just comes out-usually every morning as my first waking steps are begun.

I have thought about this-for a long time! Chet…and Zim Radner (where that name comes from??) I mean…wondering why-and is this normal? No…fuckin ‘A’  NOT,this is not normal behavior!! But yet-it seems to me that Zim Radner is some subconscious assist to hide the reality of the dreams and of the beginning day….the beginning day meaning-the toilet time. Toilet time is the first awareness reminder of the day-the reminder of barracks D, the reminder of the rapes,the extension of the nightmares-only to continue in the physical reminders….the inventory I have been forced to take everyday! The inventory where I collect every thought and reminder of the first moment entering barracks D when I was welcomed by the faggot human that said “welcome to barracks D…Drugs,Drunks and Degenerates” in a feminine voice coming from a bald-headed man. I never heard anything it until then. I learned later-his name was ‘Pooch’ (because he acted lie a dog when he raped)….he too is part of the nightmares-the living nightmares when I shower and try to clean up (the worse of reminders) and can hear in my voices the words Pooch kept saying in a bizarre instruction to “descoonch our poonch” which should be explained-to keep our asses clean! There was another fellow-but , he was more interested in doing the things that I was being forced to do!

Okay…my rumble of a ramble is not making any sense,but should! I am a sufferer…the haunting of the memories fertilizes my mental health issues-my mental health issues result of post traumatic stress disorder-PTSD.

I am experiencing some health issues lately…well,truly for several years now,mainly my gut! Compounding that-perhaps a reasonable part of it….I am ‘twisted up’ inside. Stress and nerves and a change in pattern (of usual daily life) have affected my waking pattern-my morning ‘moments’…least I say anything else! I have not been able to go to the bathroom properly. I feel sick.

From an artists standpoint-I wish that I could paint the things I ‘see’…see? It seems like shards of broken mirror are doing some kind of visuals-like looking at some kind of kaleidoscope…but far more beautiful-and extremely spooky! Ahhh,but the colors and the patterns-electrical and …well,I cannot describe it. I do wish I could paint them!

I can describe the pain! I feel so nauseous and it feels like my insides need to come out. It used to be only in the mornings but now it begins and lasts most of the days. Anxiety does not help. I feel this huge man is in my gut and stretching his body to try to escape! Is it Zim Radner? Because of his being kept from comment-is it poison? Ha ha…crazy talk!

The pain does not help my mental health issues. I feel depression coming on-that adds to pain with its own painful beating it gives my body. I lay down to nap and try to escape it yesterday…and my son and his family arrived,breaking the depressed feelings,to my surprise, but this pain is not subsiding. As I am writing I can sense the beginning of feeling bad today.          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loneliness is a funny place.  Because someone does not understand what you are going through-that can be lonely. Loneliness is not because you are alone…

Maybe I am missing Zim!  Or is it that his job is coming to an end? And I am just not aware?

4 Responses to “the loneliness of Zim Radner”

  1. Joan Says:

    Jay,

    I have felt the same way this week. Everything inside is all twisted up and the desire to throw up is nearly overwhelming. Last Tuesday I called in sick to work and did nothing but sleep – only to wake up and still be tired. It has been a week of bad dreams.

    I was born with certain abilities to see and communicate with things that other people do not see. Brigid’s father is really good at dropping in on me and I generally heed his advice…I find that he is never wrong. As for those “others” I found that Maria Lauterbach (the female Marine that was murdered) was haunting my dreams from the moment that she went missing. I knew she was dead long before they found the shallow grave.

    What is normal? Some days I believe that it is just a setting on a clothes dryer! Maybe it is just in our “heads” maybe it is because the suffering has left us more sensitive to the feelings of other people.

    Blessings,

    Joan

  2. jayherron Says:

    Joan-my issues with the pain began about 10 years ago…the VA insists I am on a pill search,NEVER ONCE trying to listen!
    I checked out of the VA a few years back (I resigned-deleteing their assist/non-assist from my life) and found a United Way clinic-there I was told I was in the final stages of liver disease…that was about two years ago.

    Having a guest-a long term guest has also increased my anxiety,which has made it hard for me to go to the bathroom. Rectal damage from the rapes and nerves-a slight noise even…can throw me off!
    So-combined with the threat of death because of my liver – and nerves…my john time is needing extra help!
    peace

  3. Elena Says:

    Dzien Dobry!

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