tractor in yard

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

There are words that are significant-but many that aren’t on our general tongue of speaking. The truck sitting in my yard-in the industry-is called a tractor. Many call it a cab-some call it a semi. But the words connected to the truck are not as common in some conversations because the topic is not of the norm.

That sounded bland! I feel bland! Bland means everything from smooth to dull! A wide path.

I’m feeling the dull side of bland. Truthfully I feel like the idiot that tied the twine to the brick and the brick to the beam-and gave it a good swinging toss…and stood there while it swung back and forth only to be slowed by the times it kept hitting my head. I’m guessing it is a fair enough description.

I have wanted to find a place to stop writing this journal-thinking that there has to be an end somewhere. Being that I cannot ever forget the incidents that have led me to write…I’m wondering how an ending would come. I never intended that it would be this long . Somehow I thought that if I wrote on the web that so many would hear what I am saying about MST (military sexual trauma) and about the way a survivor has to follow the same procedures as every veteran to file a disability…I thought that this would bring a fever for change. I imagined that some special person would read it and learn about our injuries and the policies-and become outraged and enable a change.

I was just a kid! I was doing what I thought it was we were supposed to do-I just wanted to serve.

I know that people say the bible is just stories. You have to believe me-the stories are real. Brothers do hate brothers-jealousy is a dangerous thing-just as much as the tongue in our mouth. I had so many things in my eyes as a 18 year old-and being aside my brother was one. He made sure that was the wrong idea.

What happened to me 40 years ago was mine inside for all of that time. Five years ago I brought it up-I wrote a letter explaining to the VA why I refused to take a certain medication…it made me feel high,and I didn’t like it. I was to candid in the letter…seeing that now-by mentioning that my life has been shit and a battle to stand upright and sober (lost many times) because of my being raped in a detention barracks. My brother had a part in my being there.

No one cared! No one cared! No one cared! No one cared!

Then the letter is responded to-and I am scheduled for treatment. Treatment included the advice….file for a disability claim!

We all know about all of this-I’ve been writing about it four or five years (I lose track) where I went to a State of Florida DVA officer/advocate and told him the details of my rapes. To a stranger…who tells me it is hard to believe homosexuals have a need to rape each other.

That began this! My need to expose a wrong drove me to buy a computer (I swore to heaven I would never own one)….by God-I thought this was a wrong so huge that it would take no time to draw attention to the fact this needs to be changed!! I have been blessed by finding others-survivors-who say that my words are a comfort and help. I began to realize the Silent Wounded were a larger number I had ever thought. You understand….for too many years I thought this had only happened to me!

I did not ask for any of this to be. I just wanted to be grown up and be a man. I wanted to do something to please my father. I wanted to be like one of the heros-we kids played in our war games and saw in John Wayne movies. When I got on board ship I wanted to be there forever. In most ways un-normal,I am.

S0 in writing this my mission has come to be obvious. There are too many of us who are suffering from the trauma which none of us expected! I am explaining my experience-in life-and in the system of the battle for the so-called validation of a disability claim. Mostly because of the anger I carry about the ignorance of the Florida DVA officer who could not see rape as an assualt….he saw it as sexual behavior. It was so embarrassing to tell this man my life.

Let me tell you this one fact for sure….the disability claim is NOT going to validate anything! You WILL NOT heal from the finality-it is not good medicine! You must trust me…I mean this for a fact.

The harm of being a survivor has been enough to be doled out. To have lived with it in the pattern of my life-really has been enough. Thinking back at the life I’ve had…yearning happily for the day it will finally end-and I can find the Joy in Gods arms and gardens.

I am leading up to this…what I wanted to end-won’t!

I have wanted to stop having to tell the story and tell the effects and tell the current events…I have wanted it over-to the end.

But then yesterday a phone call makes it just worse. That phone call came while I was trying to define the abbreviated words about my recent CAT scan. Good…an end is coming-those abbreviations meant I have coronary artery disease!!  I’m glad the computer is here-otherwise I would be one stuck chump trying to figure out what vitamins to buy!

The phone call-it was from my attorney. He explained to me that the VA is accusing me of malingering and being a faker.

Yesterday-the day of definitions!

I called my pal…”what’s malingering mean?”

It means they think I am a liar!

Looking for validation,folks!

6 Responses to “definitions”

  1. Melanie Says:

    Hi Jay
    I have followed your blog for a couple of months, found it while my husband of 10 years was in alcohol rehab (again) because he just can’t keep it together because of what happened to him in the miLitary when he was 20. He is so similar to you in age and experience. After he finally broke the secret (he had a cover story for years)he has been a wreck. The VA throws meds at him. You know the drill. Here’s what I want you to know. Know that you are believed, admired,worried about,prayed for, and making a difference. You speak the truth. My husbands eyes got so big when he read your story. Intellectually, he knows he’s not alone, but to read the words! You help me, and I’m just collateral damage. We even had the VSO rep say that most of “that stuff” was consensual. You speak the truth. Thanks. Apologies if you got a similar message, I had one typed and lost (?) it. Darned smartphones!

  2. jayherron Says:

    God bless you for this comment-and bless your husband too,he has brothers more than he knows-and we all hurt,and I am thankful for you because you are with him and by your words can tell you love him. The best medicine!

  3. Joan Says:

    Oh, Jay. I am so unbelievably sorry that this is happening to you. I don’t even know where to begin or how to begin telling you how sorry I am – or telling you how much you mean to me and what you courage has meant in my life.

    I also hoped that starting my blog would change the world. Surely, someone must care what is happening out there! Sometimes it does feel like we are not getting through to others. Hell, I work at the VA and I sometimes feel like I am banging my head against the wall!

    However, YOU HAVE changed the world! You have changed the world for so many “Silent Wounded” that when you do get your peace in God’s garden, He will line up the lives you have touched and they will stretch beyond infinity. No greater love than to lay down your life for your fellow man….a man doesn’t have to die to lay down his life. You are making that sacrifice everyday for people you have never even met.

    You have changed my world. The opportunity to have a place to spill out all of the good and bad thoughts without fear has healed me in many ways. Does it make me “all better”…certainly not, but does it make things more bearable…Everyday!

    Trees are grown from a tiny seed – You are a like the tree dropping those little whirlybirds all over in the wind…we are becoming trees and we will send seeds of our own. Long after we are gone – trees will grow from us – and someday…the world will change!

    Have Faith Brother! Be at peace and know that you life has been made great through the love that God has given you for your brother’s and sisters!


    • jayherron Says:

      You made me weep-for the happiness your words gave me! I cannot even respond properly-but bless you…and,ain’t nobody going anywhere yet-so far as I know! Too much more to find out! wink

  4. laura tattoo Says:

    dear jay, there is no higher calling than service. you’ve blessed so many people and i know how hard you’ve worked since meeting you. i pray that this thing with the va will not go any further than that phone call. i know how much you’ve already suffered. it’s time the va stop making that suffering even harder. ~lt xoxoxo

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