stuck…


007

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

There are times when you just get stuck. Everything stops.

I wanted to stand out in my woods the other night-and scream! I shake my head and bow to the weakness…I had no voice-it just plugged up. The weekend was the same,this morning is no different.

Interesting that my usual and always memory of my past has been joined by the remembering of the notification I received last week about my heart.

It took a little bit of searching the ‘web’ to learn what the results of my recent CAT scan meant. If I was a tad poorer and unable to access the information-I would be stuck.

I wrote a letter to my doctor explaining how I feel…how in the world would someone with zero medical training know what these papers are saying? How long was I going to be expected to wait for the answers?

Damn…now that I figured out the abbreviations and the numbers-this sounds like the rear exit! To be honest-it would be much better not to know instead of sending a formulated letter which only a trained physician can cipher instead of sending it to a mentally detached nit wit like myself. We just get stuck-worrying.

Why am I worrying? I praise the peace of death here all the time…so why am I worried? After all…the medical center sent me a similar letter a few years ago saying I had an aneurism (had to find the full meaning of that message too) only to go into the VA for a consult to have the student doctor give me a chewing out for what seemed his determination that I broke in to the MRI unit and took the head shot myself. He was from a part of the world where the English does not come off the tongue easily so I could have misunderstood…but don’t think so.

Maybe it will be the same thing. But I doubt it. I’ve been doing some reading. It all fits. I’ve been complaining for several years about how nauseous I get-with out vomiting-and that when I lay down in bed I spend 10 or so minutes trying to get my breath. Always confused about that,but not any more-I read up on it.

Interesting-the things I have learned! Coronary Artery Disease is connected to PTSD. It has been determined PTSD contributes strongly to the disease-because of stress. My artery disease truly became obvious in 1998 when I suffered a heart attack (actually a series of attacks-I was a long distance trucker and traveling with chest pains) I was 46 years old in ’98! My heart attacks led to a stroke. In reality-there is strong evidence that CAD is a service connected issue. I have fretted and stressed for so many years-40 now.

I don’t know-like I said…I am stuck.

 I am not wanting to get off the track here! This is a ‘males life after rape’ and not the ‘coronary artery corner’…but what interests me is what I am learning by reading some of the on-line medical resources. I looked specifically because of my recent stress elevation and my use of alcohol to knock myself into sleep. I want to know if I am advancing or stalling…or what? First off…the drinking to sleeping plan has not helped-my nightmares are increased ever since my recent conversation with my attorney-that conversation being about the accusation I am  malingering. My sleep has been violent-like as if I was in a state of levitation to rise up out of the bed,yet a feeling of aggressive hands pushing me back down. I can hardly remember when my dreams were so violent and full of action…it seems like every ten minutes or so my body is sitting up,and then being shoved. I am worn out by all the work. Maybe that’s why I am blank-and the words are stuck. Because…I AM TIRED! But dang…I sure have a lot to do.

I drove the ocean Friday.

There is a place once very private-more crowded now complete with lifeguards,but still the limited parking keeps the beach less crowded. I usually try to go to this spot every year for my birthday. I discovered how the world can whisper to your soul when standing by the surf. One such visit some years ago I began to realize the significance of the story in the bible about Jesus and walking on the water. Peter walked on the water too. He was a follower-but doubter of Jesus. One of those on the edge believers-the kind of guy that would be on your side as long as things are going good…but would casually step back into the crowd if things were not so great.

It was like that the day they arrested Jesus. Peter took a change in the depth of his friendship-and denied he ever knew the man.

But…the scene of those two walking on the water-it is one that lasts in my head all the time. The look past the words and the look at what is around Peter at that very moment-what a picture that  is!

I walk up to the edge of the surf where the waves come and push at your ankles-and if your eyes are aimed straight it appears that you are moving from the waves coming in and swirling back out. But the true vision is the pureness of it…and the peace that comes while meditating what is in my heart.

All you can see is the clear beauty of the sky-and the heavens at night…and the clear beauty of the seas. There is nothing else in the scene-just the cleanliness of what it is.

That is what is so perfect about it for me. The one place where none of the past makes any difference when you can focus completely on what the bible is saying. The mathematics of being alone in a pure place with the Spirit of God-where all is gone away,what ever the reasons why one accumulates riches or one never can find a place to sleep. It is hard to figure it all out…I am never going to try-there is no need. It just happens with that one moment of faith that Peter had-out of all those others still on the boat-Peter finally came to a moment of absolute peace and trust and stepped out on the water.

He stayed there too. Until he started to think about himself. Hard for us not to do.

Sorry…stuck!

18 Responses to “stuck…”

  1. laura tattoo Says:

    the heart stuff must be scary, even as we wish sometimes that our pain would end. and i know what you mean about being stuck; i feel so stuck at this time, with pain and all the thing i’ve gotten involved with… too much! i’m so overcompensating and so over stressed right now!

    but then i read about your moments at the ocean and some peace washed over me… i need to get there too. i live near the ocean–20 mintues–and i never go, haven’t left the house in months. i’m going to go to the ocean tomorrow and let the water bring me visions. you helped me so much tonight, jay… thank you. ~lt.

    • jayherron Says:

      …go there-and close your eyes and hear the earth whisper to you.! I am so thankful I have inspired you,so pleased that I have brought you some peace!

    • bookwitchery Says:

      Go to the ocean! Go every chance you get. It’s a wonderful, healing place.

      • jayherron Says:

        …I went all the way up until it reached my knees! My eyes were filled with tears-from the shear beauty,and for fear and saddness of what BP has done to our Gulf. I am a Gulf coast county resident…hardly ever go there,but still weep inside about what we have done to this planet! peace,oh-but…by the way…the peace is from God-and I feel charged from being on the shores!

  2. Leah Says:

    Wow. Thanks for sharing. I had no idea that coronary artery disease is connected to PTSD. Just another way that PTSD keeps on giving. () Sheesh.

    Glad you are finding moments of quiet and escape at the ocean. I hope that you can keep going back to that spot for solace, comfort and quiet.

    • jayherron Says:

      Thank you Leah…there is another place I go for peace-it is the Jewish Cemetery where I spent my first day in Florida 40 years ago-homeless. I read your blog and thought you would understand the peace and the place. …and,peace to you

      • Leah Says:

        You are welcome. I do understand. Thanks for reading my blog. Shalom aleichem – may peace be upon you.

      • jayherron Says:

        Kind of an out of the way story-but,in the 80’s I started a monument business-tombstones! A man named Vendelen phoned me and asked about my background-wanting to know if I was if I was Jewish. I explained that my family was not-but that my great grandmother was…he asked which side my great grandmother (Epiheimer) was connected-I told him my mother. He explained that meant I was Jewish enough to sell stones to the families,so-the cemetery I found as my first stopping place 40 years ago is now also home of several stones I crafted,even Mrs.Vendelen. I always thought that was pretty cool. peace

  3. Joan Says:

    Jay,

    My favorite Christian artists in the wide-world is Rich Mullins and he wrote a song about Peter walking on the water…it is one of my favorites.

    “Lord, it’s hard to step out on the waves,
    Hard to walk beyond your vision.
    Lord, it’s hard to be a man of faith.”

    It is so very easy to tell people, “I’m praying for you…have faith” and yet it is often so hard for us to find those moments when we trust enough to get out of the boat. It seems that I have spent my whole life walking beyond what I can see today – hoping against hope that all of this happened for a reason. (wow…that was supposed to be uplifting…sorry)

    Yes, Peter doubted and Peter denied. Peter betrayed his friend in the time and place where that friend needed him the most. Yet, Jesus selected Peter to be the first among all of the Apostles. I guess that God sees the things in us that are so very special that maybe He sets some of us to be lights to those who walk in darkness.

    You are one of those lights. And, yes…someday this will all make sense to each and every one of us…and He will hug us and He will wipe away every tear and we will dwell in the House of the Lord forever. When that day comes, none of this will matter.

    I have suffered from chest pain for years. They have done every test on my heart they can think of – short of opening it up and digging around – I am told that it is “fine.” I have been told that it is nothing but the anxiety. It is terrifying, especially since anxiety related chest pain affects the heart in the long run.

    Be at peace, brother. Know that you are deeply loved and always in my prayers.

    Joan

  4. bookwitchery Says:

    It’s so hard when one thing just seems to compound upon another.
    I am not quite coherent at the moment, in a weird headspace, so I will only say:
    Bless you, bless you for keeping moving forward.

    Your story about the student doctor reminds me of the time when I was in severe pain and had decided to go to the ER. I had called my OBGYN earlier in the day, before the pain started, so when her nurse called me back, I said, “I’m going to have to call you back, I’m headed to the ER.” The nurse told me to come to her office…even if it was something they didn’t by definition treat, I would get seen much more quickly than at the ER. I went in, was seen, and my OBGYN made some suggestions and called my family doctor to give him her opinion. When I left her office, I called for an appointment with my family doctor, and said that I needed to have an MRI scheduled. “That’s not what Dr. S. said.” Uh, yeah, it is, I was sitting in her office in front of her desk when she made the call and talked to you. I don’t have much medical training, but there are only so many ways you can interpret, “I would recommend having an MRI done.”

    Doctors, medical practitioners of any kind, are not gods. We don’t make this stuff up!

    I’m sorry you’re going through this, Jay. As always, in my thoughts and prayers.

    You are a blessing to many.

    • jayherron Says:

      Yes…I prefer holistic medicine-and understand some VA hospitals will be offering it,why not all? The medical establishments make money off of certain treatments and tests-from the AMA…from our privacy,yet there is a kick back from putting patients through these things. Same with autopsy-there is money in that,too-and such an unneccesery violation to the deceased! I get disgusted about prescription medicine…and feel that we are treated with drugs more than being treated with respect! peace

  5. Ray Ligas Says:

    I go to the VA in Oklahoma. I have noticed lately that the VA does not care about males with MST and PTSD problems unless you are female. All articles have been about females and all news reports have been about females. They have dropped our “intensive therapy” from weekly to once or twice a month.

    I guess I am talking too much. Sorry.

    • jayherron Says:

      My brother from Oklahoma-you need to realize this is a place to feel free to say anything and everything you want to say! The freedom of being able to remain anonymous and yet express and expel everything from inside of your heart about MST or the treatment at the VA is extremely important for you-and for other survivors. You may be interested-the July 12 article in TIME talks about female PTSD that has injured young soldiers in the Iraq/Afghanistan conflicts. They express there is too much geared towards males at the VA. In reality-America needs to change the stigma that sexual trauma is a female only crime. The problem is that through media and certain taboos there are so many men who are afraid to report sexual trauma. I hope someone is reaching out to you brother,helping you work through each day. Remember this: The space here for comments belongs to you and any other who wishes to ‘speak’! You say as much as you desire-it is healthy for you to just get it out! Peace

  6. Ray Ligas Says:

    In some ways the VA is geared towards males because that is all they had to deal with in the past and the VA does not make changes very easy. But I feel that the sexual trauma people are set up for females only. The VA mentions sexual trauma of males but that is it. Just a mention. As I mentioned before they do nothing that I can see. Oklahoma VA seems 20 years behind the rest of the country. No one here wants to talk about this stuff. My therapist at the VET center just breaks out books when I try to talk about anything. They just don’t want to deal with it.

    • jayherron Says:

      I am very sad about that situation there in Oklahoma-all in all I am sad about the entire situation! I feel badly for you trying to get help and nothing is there. I have personally experienced what you have! My blog is not an all out support tool…it is words of what happened,and what happens-good or bad. Feel free to express yourself here-it helps to get it out,you are welcome to do so. peace

  7. Ray Ligas Says:

    I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interfere with your site. Sorry again. I won’t bother any one again.

    • jayherron Says:

      No,you have not interfered AT ALL and your words and what YOU have to say are serious and important…this IS YOUR SITE too!! I was just saying-it is not exactly a help tool as much as it is my way of telling what is happening! You are a part of what we are about-as much as I have been hurt-you have been hurt. It is important for you to express your thoughts and anger or anything that you wish to say…say it here! I know the pain you have and the discomfort of knowing the VA does not care! We need to be a force-to show them our numbers. Please…keep reading,and keep writing! peace

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