stuck…

007

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

There are times when you just get stuck. Everything stops.

I wanted to stand out in my woods the other night-and scream! I shake my head and bow to the weakness…I had no voice-it just plugged up. The weekend was the same,this morning is no different.

Interesting that my usual and always memory of my past has been joined by the remembering of the notification I received last week about my heart.

It took a little bit of searching the ‘web’ to learn what the results of my recent CAT scan meant. If I was a tad poorer and unable to access the information-I would be stuck.

I wrote a letter to my doctor explaining how I feel…how in the world would someone with zero medical training know what these papers are saying? How long was I going to be expected to wait for the answers?

Damn…now that I figured out the abbreviations and the numbers-this sounds like the rear exit! To be honest-it would be much better not to know instead of sending a formulated letter which only a trained physician can cipher instead of sending it to a mentally detached nit wit like myself. We just get stuck-worrying.

Why am I worrying? I praise the peace of death here all the time…so why am I worried? After all…the medical center sent me a similar letter a few years ago saying I had an aneurism (had to find the full meaning of that message too) only to go into the VA for a consult to have the student doctor give me a chewing out for what seemed his determination that I broke in to the MRI unit and took the head shot myself. He was from a part of the world where the English does not come off the tongue easily so I could have misunderstood…but don’t think so.

Maybe it will be the same thing. But I doubt it. I’ve been doing some reading. It all fits. I’ve been complaining for several years about how nauseous I get-with out vomiting-and that when I lay down in bed I spend 10 or so minutes trying to get my breath. Always confused about that,but not any more-I read up on it.

Interesting-the things I have learned! Coronary Artery Disease is connected to PTSD. It has been determined PTSD contributes strongly to the disease-because of stress. My artery disease truly became obvious in 1998 when I suffered a heart attack (actually a series of attacks-I was a long distance trucker and traveling with chest pains) I was 46 years old in ’98! My heart attacks led to a stroke. In reality-there is strong evidence that CAD is a service connected issue. I have fretted and stressed for so many years-40 now.

I don’t know-like I said…I am stuck.

 I am not wanting to get off the track here! This is a ‘males life after rape’ and not the ‘coronary artery corner’…but what interests me is what I am learning by reading some of the on-line medical resources. I looked specifically because of my recent stress elevation and my use of alcohol to knock myself into sleep. I want to know if I am advancing or stalling…or what? First off…the drinking to sleeping plan has not helped-my nightmares are increased ever since my recent conversation with my attorney-that conversation being about the accusation I am  malingering. My sleep has been violent-like as if I was in a state of levitation to rise up out of the bed,yet a feeling of aggressive hands pushing me back down. I can hardly remember when my dreams were so violent and full of action…it seems like every ten minutes or so my body is sitting up,and then being shoved. I am worn out by all the work. Maybe that’s why I am blank-and the words are stuck. Because…I AM TIRED! But dang…I sure have a lot to do.

I drove the ocean Friday.

There is a place once very private-more crowded now complete with lifeguards,but still the limited parking keeps the beach less crowded. I usually try to go to this spot every year for my birthday. I discovered how the world can whisper to your soul when standing by the surf. One such visit some years ago I began to realize the significance of the story in the bible about Jesus and walking on the water. Peter walked on the water too. He was a follower-but doubter of Jesus. One of those on the edge believers-the kind of guy that would be on your side as long as things are going good…but would casually step back into the crowd if things were not so great.

It was like that the day they arrested Jesus. Peter took a change in the depth of his friendship-and denied he ever knew the man.

But…the scene of those two walking on the water-it is one that lasts in my head all the time. The look past the words and the look at what is around Peter at that very moment-what a picture that  is!

I walk up to the edge of the surf where the waves come and push at your ankles-and if your eyes are aimed straight it appears that you are moving from the waves coming in and swirling back out. But the true vision is the pureness of it…and the peace that comes while meditating what is in my heart.

All you can see is the clear beauty of the sky-and the heavens at night…and the clear beauty of the seas. There is nothing else in the scene-just the cleanliness of what it is.

That is what is so perfect about it for me. The one place where none of the past makes any difference when you can focus completely on what the bible is saying. The mathematics of being alone in a pure place with the Spirit of God-where all is gone away,what ever the reasons why one accumulates riches or one never can find a place to sleep. It is hard to figure it all out…I am never going to try-there is no need. It just happens with that one moment of faith that Peter had-out of all those others still on the boat-Peter finally came to a moment of absolute peace and trust and stepped out on the water.

He stayed there too. Until he started to think about himself. Hard for us not to do.

Sorry…stuck!