anger and hurt make the silence void


looking into the face of God
Originally uploaded by jayfherron
http://www.timesleader.com/news/Still_soldiering_on_06-06-2010.html

http://vlex.com/vid/usa-v-harding-19767462 

http://equalityunited.org/2010/06/01/hello-world/

I believe my words were not sufficient at all. I feel the above links can show the truth better,and the following comments from the subject of these links really tell the truth better than I can ever express it…

I cleared what I had written because no one can tell the story better than the one it is written about.

The newspaper article is about a man who wants to represent MST survivors.

You should think about that!

PEACE

31 Responses to “anger and hurt make the silence void”

  1. Ray Ligas Says:

    I’m glad you found out about this guy. These are the type of people that ruin everything for others and make it much harder for the so-called authorities to believe us. Sorry I have not called you yet. It is so hard to trust when you have never been able to trust. It is not you. It is my background making me avoid contacts with other people.

  2. laura tattoo Says:

    jay, did you contact susan and show her these articles and tell her about your experience? anyone volunteering with vetwow has to have a criminal background check; they did one on me.

    this is strong evidence. i remember when susan put this guy’s blog on my fb page. i shared it with the men’s group without comment. i just visited and see that there has been no activity on that blog since his first post, no members, no response, no additional posts. but susan absolutely needs to know about this.

    i’m so grateful for all you do, jay. we are fortunate to have your truth and advocacy. love, ~lt xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    • jayherron Says:

      I had a computer shut down…lost ALL my info!! Susan SHOULD hear about this guy!

    • equalityunited Says:

      Laura, you can read the responses I left for Jay. I know the vast majority will ignore his rants as they are not based upon fact and anything questionable has an explanation which I will be happy to share with any interested party. As a matter of fact it was also established before sentencing that I had such a low self esteem, non existent self worth, and anger at not having seen the red flags with Paul that I blamed myself eventhough everyone said it was infinitely more him. The law states that if you share a residence and something illegal goes on, if the person responsible does not take acceptance then all occupants are charged equally. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

  3. equalityunited Says:

    Jay, first and foremost you need to get YOUR facts straight before you go and commit libel against me. (MY RESPONSES ARE IN ALL CAPS) Casting stones and living in a glass house…so much for your connection with GOD. Your family called me upon return and said what “a loser you were, an attention whore, and that you had many opportunities to meet with Senator Nelson and just didn’t care.” Dellusional? No wonder the VA treats you like they do, you can’t even recite fact or comprehend what you do. Now as for your posting on me…

    Let me go back to May this year! I traveled to Washington DC to meet with Senators and Congress members to discuss rights for MST veterans.

    The meetings were arranged by a young veteran who contacted me through my blog. This man requested my telephone number and on our first conversation he told me a story about his assaults and how my blog inspired him. As our conversation deepened he told me of his criminal past. His story was that he sub-let a room to a man THE MAN AND I WERE GAY PARTNERS (HE NEVER TOUCHED MY COMPUTER who shared this veterans computer and had downloaded 1500 (1,645 ADULT) pornographic images WITH 8 THAT WERE QUESTIONABLE 15-TO POSSIBLY 18 (THE BURDEN IS ON THE DEFENDANT TO IDENTIFY AND PROVE THAT THE PERSON WAS 18 AT THE TIME THE PHOTO WAS TAKEN)of children in sexual activity. His way of talking was convincing of his innocence…he was a victim (NO I WAS AN ENABLER AND MANIPULATED BY) of another persons deviance (THE OTHER PERSON INVOLVED IS CURRENTLY BACK IN PRISON BECAUSE I TURNED HIM IN FOR BEING ONLINE WHEN I KNEW HE WAS NOT TO BE…18 MONTHS PRISON FOR A CLASS A FELONY VIOLATION AND 18 MONTHS FEDERAL SUPERVISION WHEN HE COMES HOME FEB 18, 2011) ,but took advice from his defense attorney to plead guilty to the YES I PLED GUILTY TO A SINGLE INFORMATION OF SIMPLE POSESSION OF child pornography (OF 15-17 YEAR OLD BOYS) charge because the crime took place in a Amish (MENNOITE ACTUALLY AND FARMERS ETC… community and that the jury would be 100% Amish and that if they found him guilty he would see 40 years in Federal prison. AND I WAS ADAMENT ABOUT NOT PLEADING GUILTY AND GOING TO TRIAL FOR IT WAS SOMETHING I FELT I DID NOT DO WITH INTENT. WHAT PERCENTAGE IS 8 OF 1,645? PRECISELY NOT THAT OF SOMEONE WITH A PROBLEM OR PREDATORY BEHAVIOR.

    So he pled guilty and received a shorter prison term.

    At the time the story was so convincing I believed him,I even wept at how tragic it was. I did not know then…the Amish do not serve on jury’s. NO THEY DO NOT BUT THE HOMOSEXUAL ASPECT ALONE WOULD HAVE CRUCIFIED US NOT TO MENTION WE WERE THE FIRST CASE IN THIS FEDERAL DISTRICT.

    When we met in Washington his personality was that of a cheap salesman. Well,not everybody can be someone I like…but I wanted to believe there was actual appointments with the Senators,and there were.

    The morning of our scheduled meetings I arrived at the hotel where this veteran was staying and his friend was there but the veteran had to return a rental car. He had gotten lost and telephoned the room. His vocal foulness was a trigger for me,he had asked to speak and when I was handed the phone he went off tirade of fucks and shits and assorted angry words that set my PTSD emotions flying through my head. I did not like him then. YOUR BEHAVIOR OF STORMING OUT OF A CONGRESSMAN’S OFFICE BASED ON A MISPERCEPTION WAS A TRIGGER FOR ME AND I AM ALSO THANKFUL THAT WE WENT SEPERATE WAYS FOR YOU HELP WRITING YOUR BLOG FOR MANY YEARS. MY METHODS ARE MORE DIRECT AND PRODUCTIVE.

    We made two meetings…the middle of the second meeting I (YOU REALIZED? I WAS GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO INCLUDE YOU KNOWING HOW TRAUMATIZED YOU WERE BY MST AND YET YOU BELITTLE ME FOR MY TRIGGERS OF BEING UNDER EXTREME PRESSURE RUNNING OUT OF GAS WITH NO WALLET, BEING LATE, AND NOT BEING FAMILIAR WITH THE CITY AND LITERALLY DRIVING AROUND AIMLESSLY WITH SOMEONE WHOM COULD HAVE HELPED ME… REAL NICE JAY realized he was NOT who I wanted to associate MST with at all. Our cause deserves respect,this guy had none. His attitude was self-serving and destructive. PERCEPTION IS A POWERFUL THING AND I DON’T NEED VALIDATION FROM SOME HALF WIT WHO THINKS HE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING. I TOOK THE HIGH ROAD AND POSTED NOT A SINGLE THING TO YOUR BLOG UNTIL NOW. SO WRONG ON THAT COUNT AS WELL.

    Upon my return I began to get harassing emails…easily determined to be from the same author although they were signed differently each time. I knew they were from him,the veteran,and concluded my departure from him was 100% a good idea! YEAH? TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR FAMILY, THEY ALL THINK YOUR A DING BAT TOO, NOT TO MENTION AN ATTENTION WHORE AND THAT’S REALLY WHAT THE BLOW UP WAS ALL ABOUT. YOU NOT BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION BUT BEING INCLUDED IN THE PERIPHERAL AND IT JUST WASN’T ENOUGH. AFTER ALL I WASN’T EVEN FAMILIAR WITH THE TERM MST UNTIL I READ ABOUT MY ABUSER IN YOUR BLOG.

    My friend and I decided to do some research on this guy. His story was too hard to grasp…I can tell you that if I was ever accused of child porn the law would have to spend every moment to prove it! YUP AND YOU’D YOU’D BE ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE THAT DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THE SYSTEM WORKS AND YOU WOULD GET 40 + YEARS. I would NEVER plea for less time in a federal prison or ANY PRISON for something I am completely innocent of.

    Then we discovered the real truth.

    JM H was convicted (ACTUALLY I PLED TO A COUNT OF INFORMATION OF BEING IN POSSESSION OF 3 OR MORE IMAGES OF MINORS UNDER THE AGE OF 18) A SINGLE COUNT of using the Internet to lure a 14-year-old boy into a motel room and there he sexually abused the boy and filmed the abuse and put pictures on his computer. Of the 1500 there were 28 of this boy. GUILTY Mr.H! BY THE WAY JAY YOU THINK YOU HAVE NOTHING NOW…EXCEPT YOUR SHACK IN THE WOODS YOU’VE LIBELED ME IN A VERY PUBLIC MEDIUM AND THE ENTIRE LAST PARAGRAPH IS COMPLETELY FABRICATED. WHO’S SENSATIONALIZING NOW?

    I was willing to forget the guy….loozers deserve forgetting. YEP THUS NO CONTACT WITH YOU.

    Yesterday changed that. I discovered he is forming a ‘group’ to help other veterans who endure the PTSD of MST….Military Sexual Trauma.

    I am disgusted! His plans have been noted on the Facebook page of Susan Avila-Smith who is founder of an online support group known as Mr.VETWOW,which is where I discovered it. I do not believe Ms.Avila-Smith has researched the truth either based on the praise I read on her Facebook page. YOU STICK TO YOUR BLOG, SHE IS INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO MAKE HER OWN DETERMINATIONS AND YOU CAN BE SURE I WILL SET YOUR ACCOUNT OF THE RECORD STRAIGHT.

    Ahhh,the thought came to my head to look Mr.H up one more time…and there I discovered a newspaper article about his ‘good works’! There again is his lie!

    You would think that if a newspaper was going to write about a convicted Megan’s Listed child pornography offender who claims innocence would have the resources to search the truth like my friend and I did…if so they would find the same Federal Court documents we had found that told the truth,which was that he indeed is a pedophile and a criminal. THE NEWSPAPER TOOK 3 MONTHS IN COMPOSING THAT ARTICLE AND I’VE HAD MUCH SUPPORT AND FURTHER AND MORE IMPORTANTLY OTHER VET’S COME FORWARD FOR HELP AND TO DEAL WITH THEIR EMOTIONS. SHE AND HER EDITOR SPOKE WITH THE US ATTORNEY, MY DEFENDER, REVIEWED THE COURT TRANSCRIPTS. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE DEFINITION OF A PEDOPHILE IS AND I HAVE OVERWHELMING PROOF THAT I AM NOT A THREAT TO ANYONE OTHER THAN YOUR EGO. NOT ONLY DID I SURVIVE PRISON BUT I GREW AND IT OPENED MY EYES TO THE INJUSTICES, I DID NOT UNDERGO ANY SEXUAL PROGRAMMING BECAUSE IT WAS DEEMED UNNECESSARY FOR ME, I HAD NO DISCIPLINARY RECORD, MY USPO TRUSTED ME IMPLICITLY, I PASSED A SEXUAL INVENTORY ADMINISTERED BY AN AGENCY AND I PASSED A POLYGRAPH AS A ROUTINE WITH NO DECEPTION INDICATED.

    Oh yes…I am angry! And hurt! Hurt because decent people,deserving MST survivors should have representation that is not as tainted as this mans! OH SURE BUT BECAUSE YOU RATHER SMOKE WEED THAN TAKE PRESCRIBED MEDICATION IT’S FINE FOR YOU TO COMMIT A FELONY IN THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA BY SMOKING IN THE DUPONT BEFORE THE MEETINGS? HYPOCRITE YOU HAVE JUST SOLIDIFIED EVERYTHING THAT YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS TOLD ME MONTHS AGO, SAD REALLY, I HOPE YOU FIND THE HELP AND THE PEACE THAT YOU NEED JAY OBVIOUSLY YOU’VE GOT A LEARNING DISABILITY OR COGNITIVE RECOLLECTION ISSUE. GOD BLESS

  4. Joan Says:

    I don’t mean to jump in to this – because this is between you and Jay. However, I can’t help but notice that when I went to YOUR blog – “equalityunited” that it said you were discharged under Chapter 16 with a bar to reenlistement.

    You do realize…there is NO such thing as a Chapter 16 with local bar to reenlistment because a Chapter 16 discharge is “change in service.”

    Joan

  5. bookwitchery Says:

    Hi Jay.
    Sorry I’ve been silent for so long. I’ve not abandoned you; my health has been rather poor and my computer access has been sketchy at best.

    I’m scheduled to have surgery next week, Oct. 7th, so may be silent again for some time, but please know that I admire and support you and the work you do.

  6. fotoguy42 Says:

    Jay is full of hot air. When the attention was taken away from him, he retaliated by making up some things about JMH.

  7. laura tattoo Says:

    hi, guys. this has gotten way above my pay grade, as they say. i’m just a simple volunteer on vetwow but i do want to protect the group from any problems. what i was going to do originally was forward the blog post to susan and ask her to look at it. now there are two sides to the story and, having taken no action, i’ll forward the post to her now as i was originally going to do. guys, we with ptst do get into personality conflicts from time to time. i hope this can be mediated. susan is trained in this. with love and care ~laura

    • equalityunited Says:

      Laura you’re initial reaction was “normal” and I appreciate your volunteer work with VetWow, did Susan know about my past? Yes she read it in the feature newspaper article. It’s not something I am proud of. I used to work for my counties Sheriff’s Dept as well so imagine my surprise as my home is being raided by the FBI and the entire towns police force. Any non consensual adult sex or child under the age of 18 sex is wrong I would even go so far to say that as a 39 year old I have no business having sex with or attempting a relationship with anyone under the age of 28. We ALL have things in our lives we are less than proud of. But we get over them and move on. I am very politically connected locally and in DC and am charismatic and could pass for a Senator when in suit and tie. Thus I fit in well in their realm and they listen to me, we got the Defense STRONG Act passed. Who went around and collected co-sponsors? Me. That helps to protect active duty military. Now it’s time for the SAPRO and VA to take care of it’s emotionally wounded warriors and that is where my efforts shall remain until they are no longer needed. I am not looking to “volunteer” for VetWow I am simply a group member as I have every right to be. I am NOT the enemy, and those of you who see it otherwise have that right and I respect that. But also respect the other members of the group and it’s mission.

  8. Diana Says:

    Mediation? With an abuser and a convicted pedophile. you have got to be kidding. There is no point, jay has stated his unwillingness to recognize this person any longer, either on a personal level or most especially a professional level.

    The type of advocacy work jay does to support MST survivors and to address the inadequacies of the VA in addressing the issues of these survivors, is a professional endeavour.

    As has been shared here previously and many many times, if Jay tells you that a mosquito can pull a plow, then get out the plow because it’s true.

    What is wrong in this discussion is that a convicted pedophile who also happens to suffer from MST is ranting and raving and taking issue with and trying to argue down a man who gave him the benefit of the doubt, came to learn otherwise about that person’s intentions and issues that need addressing, who is manifesting himself and his demons in the most distressing and criminal ways possible.

    This pedophile continues to admit that he viewed child porn. Nothing can excuse that behaviour. He’s being called to account and he’s doing a good job of demonstrating that he is not a person to be aligned with in either addressing issues of MST or advocating for changes to the services offered for survivors of MST. His conviction for pedophilia prevents that, as he’s shown no remorse or treatment for this disease of his.

    • equalityunited Says:

      Diana, First and foremost this is why I like WordPress I.P. addresses come in very handy for libel suits. So permit me to correct your assessment on a few fronts. I am NOT an abuser nor a pedophile (ya might want to go to http://www.dictionary.com to clear that up. The association with Jay was a mutual decision; he can do things his way and I do mine more directly with more direct results. We each cope, tolerate, support, and advocate in our own ways; some don’t even have that ability nor will they ever. I was not convicted of anything, I pled to a single count of information (and yes their is a difference) I told Jay almost immediately upon the inception of our task at hand. This man gave me nothing but embarassment to Congressional Staff for storming out of a meeting like a five year old. And he’s so high all the time he can’t even keep the facts straight. Had it not been for Jay’s blog I never would have known that my Drill SSG who raped me went to Sarasota FL, started a JROTC program and raped not only a child he adopted at 14 but also 7 other known victims…only two were brave enough to press charges. Yes when I testified to Congress it was and IS my intention to continuing to help my fellow Brethren who are in the shadows suffering alone with MST. Perception is a powerful thing, and your’s is way off base. Frankly put I am responding for the sake of said persons in the shadows. Many soldiers who were abused as children or as soldiers or both are going on to recommit the crime. Which is why it is so important to get help and break that cycle! I did not admit viewing child porn it was on my computer from the mIRC days of dccc picture trading and archived and was never opened nor viewed by me or anyone else until the FBI found it. No I will not show “remorse” for something that I do not have a predilection for and has been proven to people more important than you countless times. You’re lashing out at someone you know nothing about minus what Jay has miscited. I also find it amuzing that you felt the need to put your two cents into a conversation which you genuinely know nothing about. Have a nice night. I make a difference, do you?

  9. bookwitchery Says:

    Jay, my dear friend, when you get a chance, send me an email. Somehow your addie has disappeared from my new account, and while I’ve kept the old account open I erased all my contacts because of the weird virus it got. Email me at either account. If you use the old one I can transport it to the new one, although I think I gave you the new one as well. So much has happened my mind is a bit fuzzy on the details.

    Having surgery on Thurs., may be out of touch for a while, but I should be able to check emails even if I can’t sit up for long and blog.

    Hope you are well. Keep up the good work!

  10. Diana Says:

    You are so very, very wrong. Everything you’ve written here is not true. Your empty threat to another person commenting on a web log, a person you have no knowledge of save for what I, too have written, is another example of just what kind of a person you are.

  11. fotoguy42 Says:

    Diana you know nothing of JMH. JMH is a very caring, honest and upfront person. I have known him for eight years. I do not pass judgement on him and it isn’t your place either.

  12. Diana Says:

    Actually, it IS my place. he’s written here, I’ve read the documents and articles, so yeah….I get a voice here, too.

    Jay has wisely opted to let the documentation speak for itself.

  13. Joan Says:

    JMH,

    This is a direct quote from the above post that you wrote in response to Jay: “I DID NOT UNDERGO ANY SEXUAL PROGRAMMING BECAUSE IT WAS DEEMED UNNECESSARY FOR ME,”

    This is a direct quote from the Newspaper Article:

    “Harding said he accepts responsibility for his role in the case. He has undergone extensive sexual offender counseling and has not recommitted any other crimes since his release.”

    These two statements are in direct conflict with one another – I am not accusing you – just looking for clarification.

    However, there is something that I do want to address and that is the following statement from the newspaper article.

    “He knows that his status as a Megan’s Law offender may give some people pause. But he does not believe it should impact his credibility in terms of advocating for MST victims.”

    Actually, sir, this “conviction” DOES affect your ability and credibility as an advocate. I think that you truly need to understand that and respect the opinion of those of us who are also survivors.

    As a survivor of childhood sexual assault and an MST survivor – I can only see you as a perpetrator and not as a victim. You see, once you crossed that line and once you were convicted of a crime of possession of child porn – whether it was one picture or 1 million pictures – it changes your status. I am not saying that you aren’t also a victim. I am not saying that you don’t suffer. I am not saying that you are not allowed a voice – of course you are allowed a voice.

    What I am saying is that anything that you bring to the table is tainted. I think that I am probably not the only one who feels that way. You have to see yourself from the position of another survivor. I have NEVER looked upon child pornography or a sexually suggestive photo of a child and found pleasure – in fact – it makes me sick to even think about it!

    Regardless of WHY you were convicted and did jail time – the fact is that you WERE convicted. Even if it was because YOU chose to plead guilty. No matter HOW that all came about – it does change things.

    Look at it from this point of view…

    Once upon a time was a man who was a racist and so he joined a skin-head organization. This man got a tatoo on his arm of a swastika. Time goes by and this man has a moment in his life that he realizes he is very, very wrong. He turns away from all of his racist beliefs and embraces all people as friends.

    Still – the people in this man’s neighborhood don’t trust him. They don’t really believe he has changed and the man can’t understand why they don’t believe that he has changed.

    The people don’t believe him because they can SEE the evidence of his past on his arm.

    It is the same for me in many ways. I can’t believe you because you are lumped in with the perpetrators – and not with those of us who are survivors.

    This is not to judge you or to keep going on this topic – in fact – if you would like you can drop by my site and send me an email – or even comment live. I don’t mean to drag this up on here again – but I really feel that you MUST understand where some of this hostility is coming from. Fighting amongst ourselves is a useless endeavor- It weakens the message. But you MUST understand that our past can make our messages even weaker.

    Joan

  14. Jerry Says:

    Harding lost his chance to speak publicly about MST issues because of his crimes. Any public figure who has done the same thing has been dismissed from their positon.

  15. Christopher Visavati Says:

    Why should he excuse himself? The only reason you went on a tirade was because he took the lime light from you. A lot of people know this, get past this already.

    What you are doing is childish and dragging things out. Be a “man” about it already and leave it be.

  16. Jerry Says:

    Thank you Jay for being a man and standing up for what is right. Mr. Harding has no authority to speak out for MST survivors because of his past crimes, regardless of completing a sex offender program. No one else here has been convicted of anything like that. Mr. Harding looks like a “cheese” who is trying to find publicity for his own gain at our expense and reputation. It doesn’t appear he was suffering to much if he and his boyfriend were involved in this lewd behaviour. Thank you again Jay. I consider you the leader of our group.

    • jayherron Says:

      Personally I am sorry for the MST Harding has endured. Personally I cannot condone his crime and conviction and disagree that he could be a director of an outreach/support for MST survivors. He should stand aside but I believe his pride has stepped in the way of him seeing the message.

    • Christopher Visavati Says:

      No, it is Jay who looks like an idiot to continue to hash this out. His past is his past. Would I trust Mr. Harding with my children, yes. You don’t personally know this man. You don’t know the circumstances behind what had gone on.

      It’s done, over with!

  17. Jerry Says:

    Yes, it’s done and over with as there was no interest in Mr. Harding’s Blog or web page.

  18. Paul Says:

    I must agree with Jerry on this Mr. Harding is a CHEESE! and we have no interest in his Blog or web site . Good going Jerry! We seem to see things alot alike.

  19. Christopher Visavati Says:

    Jay,

    I would like to apologize to you for my words on here. JMH is someone who is self absorbed and thinks of nothing but himself. Recently when the young man of 14 or 15 years of age took his life due to being bullied, he now claims to have known him. If that is so, the young man would have been 7 at the time. He uses everyone else’s tragedies to his own benefit…claiming that he knew them…blah blah blah. Basically, a pity me party.

    I expect nothing from you, but I hope that your journey onto healing goes well and do not let his comments bother you in the least.

    Live well.

    • jayherron Says:

      It takes a man to be able to stand up and say he is wrong,thank you for your apology-it very welcome and accepted! Peace is certainly in your heart! And Peace from me….and God rest the soul of that child,I am broken inside to hear that!

  20. Jerry Says:

    Thank you Christopher for realizing JMH is not the person MST survivors want representing us. I am not on FaceBook or any other site but I do a lot of commentary on Huffington Post, The Drudge Report, Daily Beast. We are a Nation of Laws and with patience and dilligence, we can accomplish many things.

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