depression seizes


freeze dress for Florida

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

It comes like a rock flying at you by surprise,the intense pain from the way you are hit by it! I had a feeling it was beginning last week and wanted to be mistaken…thinking,hopefully,maybe this year? It won’t go away,I am just a fool to think it. Last weekend I entered a mall while visiting a friend. I really had not thought about all the crixmix decorations or the music,it has been that long since entering a mall it had not been in my memory.

I tried to ignore it! I tried to put my mind on who I was with,but honestly it was hard to ignore.

I got sick earlier in the week. Slight I suppose in terms of other bouts with flu,but then noticed the hard grabbing feeling on my shoulders and on my neck,the feeling that something huge is squeezing me tighter and tighter. All I want to do is die quietly in my bed knowing it is the only cure.

Sleep is all that I can muster up…death ain’t that kind!

I am supposed to be a support for others but confess that I grow so weak during this period of the year. The seclusion isn’t even enough,the invites for “if you’re not doing anything Thanksgiving”….”be sure to come here”!! That part sets off the rest…”do you have a good crixmix planned”? At the bank….”are getting ready for a big crixmix”? It resonates like that violin shrieking in the Bate’s Motel in that old movie where the woman gets stabbed in the shower!

How can a person endure it? What can you say to someone who means well and considers it all cheer? I have no way of saying it to the bank teller or to the post office clerk or to anyone that the reminder hurts and never can I tell you how.

My feet feel like huge ingots of iron that are unable to move. I want to go to the grocery but my feet and my heart won’t let me. It is there too! And the depression is like an anchor that purposely stops any movement,my body reels from the pain. Please know depression is quite painful. Trying to help by saying “think good thoughts” is not a help…wear this pair of iron ingots on your feet and begin to feel the rest of it and you might not speak so loosely. I have tried the happy thoughts.

I cannot shake the memories.

5 Responses to “depression seizes”

  1. Joan Says:

    Jay,

    You are right – depression is incredibly painful. I spent a great deal of this weekend in bed myself. Not so much sleeping – just not really able to get out of bed…I’m not sure why. Sometimes too much activity will trigger mine and then all I can do is ride it out.

    Mine flairs around Halloween – the last day that I was in the military. It really sucks because Halloween has always been a favorite time of mine. I struggle with the smell of decaying leaves. It brings back terrible memories of other things.

    I find it silly when people tell us to “think good thoughts” – of course we WANT to think happy thoughts but PTSD doesn’t always work that way.

    The best I can say is that you are not alone. You are in my prayers everyday! Hang on…this will pass. How do I know? Because we are SURVIVORS and I know that you are stronger than the pain.

    Peace and Blessings,

    Joan

  2. Jerry Says:

    Hi Jay, the one thing I find that helps is to ignore the holidays. I will go to someones house for a few hours to have dinner, but that’s about it. Holidays are for the kids, and were sick, tired old goats. The symptoms you describe in the post sound like they should be checked out by your Doctor. I’m depressed and blue right now and my arthritis pain and difficulty sleeping seems worse but Thursday will come and go and then we’ll just have to get through the end of Dec. Peace, Jerry

    • jayherron Says:

      Jerry,in reality my beginnings for seeking disability comp came from my telling my VA doc that I felt depressed often. The response was to immediatly prescribe anti-depressants. I tried them,but after a few days realized they made me feel high. A few weeks afterward I was called to a group meeting at the VA and there sat about 10 of us,except from me,the others looked zoned out. We were asked how the meds made us feel. When my turn came I said it made me feel like I was high on mesculin…which was true! The shit hit the fan. I was taken to a shrink. He asked me if I was going to hurt myself or anyone else…then gave me a lecture about the pills. I went home with a new bottle. I dumped them in the toilet. Then I wrote a letter to the VA mental health section explaining that I battled drugs and booze and worked my way to sobriety…and then they give a pill that is yet sold on the street so others can get high. Crazy world. But that letter was responded to and the questions asked about my Navy time. Strange how depression pills opened up the past…for the VA. I drink now,still…but on my terms. I still feel depression…hate the folks that diagnose it as being sad or tell you to think good thoughts…yesterday I was told to drink tomatoe juice (which is a new one) because of my electrolites being loose?? Depression is an illness I suppose controled by med’s,but I won’t go there. I guess I do need to find a doctor as my VA experience has ended by my becoming 100% SC…I no longer am required to go. But,my solution is to try to beat it off by excersise and being active. Even then,sometimes that fails. Like this week…laying in bed in physical pain from being depressed. Many do not know of the physical pain. The holidays? Sorry,there will never be a family moment. There will never be one single time a crixmix and new years holiday turn out to be a good time for me…I remember ALL that killed that spirit by being raped on new years eve. That was what killed me inside too.

  3. Jerry Says:

    The physical pain your decribing could be Fibromyalgia. It happens after many years of stress and unresolved issues, aka, PTSD. I suffered with aches and pains for many years and was taking 800mg per day of Ibuprophen. Then it became unbearable and so I was screened for cancer with ultrasound. They found a soft tumor in my left kidney which was caused from the Ibuprophen. I then saw two VA Arthritis doctors who confirmed the fibro. I have chronic pain, but just try to live with it. Peace, Jerry

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