I am surprised…and did not know!


russian ship

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

The week has been filled with response from the comments here and telephone calls several of my veteran friends about my ending posts on this blog.
I was thinking that I was out of things to say,yet found during the conversations there were things I may have missed and could actually help.
I am just Jay Herron! No qualifications here,except as the title of the blog explains,I am a male rape survivor.

I was told it was easy to understand my feelings and that moving on was understood…but this is a part of me like a mid-wife to a child she helped birth,there is always a connecting sense of being a part of that child’s life.
And the veterans who I have come to know.
I almost feel like I am abandoning something bigger than I realized at first.

I am no one! I am just this guy…I hardly finished school before I enlisted at age 17. My education was extensive to the part where I spent 3 years in the 9th grade. Most of those were spent roaming the big buildings of Washington DC.
So,I am not a special person trained in some kind of therapy or understanding of life…I am just this that got pissed off at the system that was offered to me and us as MST (military sexual trauma) survivors and hoped to find a way to change it.
Maybe I am,one person at a time. I am not sure. But,the contacts that happened this past week surprised me! I am over whelmed in my heart for the need coming from so many.

I am going to go away! Two months…and then I am going to find the little boy in me by climbing on a ship like the one in the photo…and ‘run away’!
My ability for online access will be next to zero,so this lap-top will be used to write a book about this fucked up life.

More to say?
It interests me the final stages of my PTSD disability claim are done and never again will my VA file be opened.
I had felt tons of stress during the life of the disability claim after it was filed. It,the memories and bigotry and the lack of being able to understand things clearly had enhanced the depression and the lack of energy,and the dreams. Bad bad dreams! What interests me the most is the stress has changed to a newer kind,the old had gone away and left room for another to form and grow. The dreams are now back to nightmare stage and the nights lately are fighting to sleep and working so hard when asleep that I tried all of the time,and just want to nap. Napping is scary too,because it is easy to fall into depression as my depression inactivity is hidden under the blankets and in the dark. And in pain.
So the mental stress having moved aside and opening the rest of my head for the ‘dreams’…whoa,is this getting old!! Everynight I am up at 0200 to shake the thoughts,then try to go back to sleep…no,the fear and the pain and the magnitude of the dreams makes return more difficult…I am thankful that I can nap. I wonder of others who cannot.

So…this day being no different,I woke at 0200…tried and tried to shake the dream….and then got on the computer (I can watch old westerns on hulu.com)…and I find the new articles from :

 www.military.com
And I notice the Department of Defense has put up a new web-site directed at Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and suggests that it is a guide for veterans (those returning from Iraq and Afghanistan) to learn about why they are suffering….
the site link:

www.t2health.org/vwproj/

Now allow me to warn you…this thing scared the shit out of me!!
There are NO HUMANS!
It is animated!
The animation is replacing humans….it also triggers that horrible sound heard in the spook movie ‘Psycho’…that shrill violin sound that identifies with PTSD so well. That sound was in my head as I poked around the DoD PTSD site.
I did not watch the web-site for long…it was too much like a nightmare,so I cannot say it is about MST related PTSD,but doubt if there is a spot in this ghostly thing to make much difference.

Really…what cool cat got paid to set this thing up?
Somebody’s nephew,that must be for sure!

Well…I am grateful for the calls and emails,I did not know!
peace

7 Responses to “I am surprised…and did not know!”

  1. jclose100@comcast.net Says:

    You need a break, and two months on the frigate ship should be the ticket. I had to back away from this also as I felt myself sliding back and getting stuck in a mire. Write your book and we’ll be waiting for you with open arms when you return. Thank you for your guidance and help. I felt very alone in this before I found your site. Strength comes in numbers and we victims need to stick together. Peace, Jerry

  2. Melanie Says:

    Hi jay! So good to talk to you. I can’t wait for your book. Oh, the wind chill is about -30.

  3. Jerry Says:

    Enjoy your trip!!

  4. Faith Austin Says:

    A good long, long time ago you mentioned a teddy bear you had as a child. When you turned that bear upside down it growled. Well, since you said it I’ve been searching high and low for a little growl button to add to one of my handmade bears. If you disappear how on earth will I get you your bear?

    Faith

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