This has been a difficult time.
I began writing this journal of my life as a male survivor (dumb word) of ‘military sexual trauma’ (MST) only because through the recommendation of the Veterans Hospital near my home led me to appeal for disability from the VA. Doing that I had to go file this claim in my home county at a DVA representatives office. There I told my story to an absolute stranger who was supposed to be an advocate and counselor for veterans, but he had absolutely no understanding outside of the normal and was unable to comprehend that rape is not a sexual contact. He was perplexed that “homosexuals needed a reason to rape each other” which is a statement that can be compared in ignorant values in more ways than one…hoe stupid can somebody be? Also,to cap it off…the man could not accept my attackers were white.
Advocacy? No,not from that point of view.
I’ve said this over and over,I spent three attempts to graduate from the ninth grade. I am not exactly an educated person. I saw the statements the DVA advocate made as a huge black hole military sexual trauma ‘survivors’ will enter if and when they were to follow the line towards seeking justice.
Over the four hundred some entry’s I have put out there I have told everything about myself (some things are mine alone) and about the process of getting my own justice. I have also remarked about the VA hospital here in my area much in a negative way and much of that correct,but then I never mentioned the good parts and the good people,and there are many. My dispute mainly came from the immediate drop of therapy for several MST veterans,the severe reaction I had was not healthy at all from a medical point of view,it made me angry. I began to see the VA as an enemy.
Now I have no connection with the VA for as long as I live. I can now only draw on my past experience,but want to move on from it.
I have tried to end this journal several times now. Each time it seems another veteran comes forward and asks for advice , or someone writes or calls and asks for advice. It is hard to walk away from that,and I have made many friendship among you and that is solid gold.
For the last five years I have been vocal aloud about something that was mostly my most hated secret,because there was no one to ever share it with. After the VA got involved and the DVA guy made his bigoted remarks my story has been repeated so much more than I ever thought could ever happen…a New York City NPR radio interview? No,one could never imagine that! Fly to Washington DC,and meet in the offices of a Senator and Congressman? I just have no idea how these things come together in the way that they do and how our lives have such amazing turns.
I need to move on! I need to go off to the ‘wilderness’ and think. I have to find some of the things that were lost.
In two weeks I embark on an experience that I hope to see as a return to being 18 years old and a seaman apprentice on an US Navy ship. The sea and the ports and being on such a giant floating ship…I was thrilled to be given that opportunity when I was a kid,it got was abruptly stopped by the jealousy of my older brother and my life was twisted around from there.
I have written about it all in these pages.
I am going to spend up to six weeks on the ship like the one in the photograph. Just find a chair and sit there and look up at the great majesty of the sky and out at the great power of the ocean. I know I am going to weep…many times. I know this because already I am feeling the power of what this is,a gift from God to give me this chance to see what it might have been like.
There is no contact from the ship with the exception of intermediate emails. I will not be able to write here for almost six weeks. So I am going to write a book while sitting in that chair.
This has been an incredible healing tool for me to use the Internet as a voice. I have had my heart humbled many times by the many of you that have entered my life….humbled in that your story’s have helped me!
Proverbs 25:25
