I try to see the message in things! Why did this happen? A violation, a violation, a violation! It echos in my head because the discovery of the personal loss of my email ability and contact lists was not as much that all of it is gone, it was more so that the many address files that I kept…thinking they were private and secure, they were those of trauma surviving veterans, and I have no way of contacting them to explain. I felt that blackening rage that PTSD creates when the mind can’t grip correctly what is happening! The of learning this had happened, the moment, I was sitting in a Waffle House. I fielded call after call after call, finally moving out to sit in my car and speak to one contact after! Some called me, I called some! It was late into the night when it all wound down! Reporting my ID had been compromised took hours to clear up…it is not free even when your life seems stolen! It cost me 130 bucks to lock all attempt to get credit in my name! Pay Pal wants a fee just to talk to them on the phone…a 900 number must be dialed, you have to go through some real gates to cancel that account!
I was excited from addrenilian and it still seems to have me on edge! Excited does not mean I was thrilled…it means I was and am still feeling scared! And worried about those who I cannot contact to say the spammers sent the emails…not me!
I early that same morning returned reply to a young veteran who had written me that same morning talking about her issues with PTSD and MST and it is certain this young veteran received one of the emails…I am frightened by how that must have made her feel, to write someone in trust…and recieve the email like those described to me!
I have not seen the email…but know enough how deeply the violations go!
There is a message in this experience somewhere! Dang thing is…it has come at a very confusing spot in the road! I am trying to get ready to travel on the freighter, but then, guess who else got emails? The agent that makes the arrangements still has not returned my calls! And arrangements that I have made to keep my home safe are unchangeable! So it may be a long ride around the country is in store instead of a world sailing in the company of a freighter ship! If it is what God wants, then it will be!
It is yet to show itself as something bad! Maybe the thought could be this is a terrible thing! But in reality it may be a message about moving on and taking other highways! Some few years back an artist friend of mine gave me something! It was something very special, something that has kept on shining as a surprise each time I see it, and as ever I think about it I am in awe of the gift! The biggest part of the gift was learning about giving! Ah…but not allowing something material hinder you from going forward! The possession possessing you!
I have this great large room! Always in my mind I wanted to convert it into a wood working shop, and have! Another craftsman that I know has for many years said he wishes he had a dry space to build furniture and trick boxes and such…I offered the use of my space.
I am a collector! Trinkets of junk things that one buys at yard sales or thrift stores or gets given as some goofy gift. Just stuff that glitters in the eye, but otherwise…a possesion that possesses! My friend said the trinkets would have to go if it was true this was to be a workshop! The dust would clearly ruin much of it,others would fall and break, so it was a sign that the time had come to pack it away!
Freedom!
Some many years ago-42 to be exact…an old wood-carver gave me a walking stick! It turns out the old man is famous and some of his works have been displayed at the Cochran Galley of Art in Washington DC. It has been suggested my piece could have had a value up to 7,000 dollars.
If someone had come across this walking stick in my house, really, they would have thought its primitive chops and painted marks were a mere piece of an attempt without knowing the valid position in the art world this thing had! So I did some research and found the great-niece of this man…and read of the quest to locate a piece because of her own memories! I gifted the old piece to her….FREEDOM!
It was an amazing feeling!
I see dimes as messages! The dimes began as just finding a shining dime while out on a walk in my woods…finding the dime was a true moment of God giving me a sign all would be okay! Now, I am not always in tune about what the message might be! Especially now…except,this is not exactly an actual dime…but is a sign! And a message!
By this I mean the identity violation! My email accounts deleted! My contact information missing! My contacts receiving a frightening email !!
I did not trust this machine when the first of its kind entered my life. I could not see how something made by man could be trusted to securely keep everything I had in private and in safety…just mine! I began trusting it more and more and soon found the way to buy things, to meet people, to travel…and not even leave this chair!! But deep down inside there was something that kept warning me trust and security cannot be found with this tool.
I wanted to communicate openly when I began and want to communicate now…I am wanting to go back in that place of time where I was adamant there would never be a computer here (mainly speaking of Internet) because it scared me then, and scares me again! It has actually screwed me up!!
I remember coming to these woods with the mother of my two baby sons, one still in diapers! Somehow we managed to open a contract to buy this spot of land for $100 down $60 a month. No house, no water, no electric. Only a coleman stove and a car…a clunker! I thinking about it yesterday as I walked, I could hear the traffic out on 24-a miles walk North. I walked it so many times in the dark to get to 24 to hitch hike to a job that sucked as a sandblaster guy for a construction company. I came home every day clutching two or three boards salvaged from the company dump…try hitching a ride with lumber in hand! or, on shoulder!
I remember I promised I would never change the way it made me feel. I would never tear down the original building, the walked home home! It stands as a monument to every foot step made!
I think the message from the email scam poof theft zip was that I need to remember those footsteps and how powerful they are and why they had to be and WHO walked them with me!
Peace
a males life after rape 